The Heart of the Night - Comments

Layout
I really like the layout. I have a deep love for roses and the blood in the banner makes me extremely curious as to what I will find within the story itself.

Summary and Title
The title has me thinking vampire and also makes me think of Titanic lol As for the summary, it doesn't tell you much, but it sure snags your attention.

Chapter One
So by the third paragraph, I can already deeply relate to Mandy. Plus, I love the name Dylan lol

The first chapter really sets you in the monotone reality that is Mandy's life. It seems like she is trying but things just aren't sparking her to life. Till she sees the waitress lol Can't wait to see where this goes.

Chapter Two
The second chapter kind of makes a short leap into foreshadowing what will happen. I like that Dylan is so sweet, but really dull. If only people in both sides of the relationship could see that.

Chapter Three
Aw Kyle sounds like me as a kid lol I'm curious to know just what was outside. Was it... the waitress?!

Chapter Four
pretendeding like she didn't know her.
lol their little encounter was so funny and cute in this chapter.

Chapter Five
ooooo drama! And mystery lol

Overall
So I am pretty positive that I am correct about the vampire thing. And I can not wait to see just where this leads! I did notice a few things that are repetitive and could be edited just slightly, but even as they are, it's a pretty great story thus far! :)

The pace of the story was perfect. It's makes you curious on what Sophia's real intentions are and from the writing, you get unsettling feeling about her, which gives the story suspense. I'm curious why Mandy is so unhappy, if their is a deeper meaning, and with the end of chapter 5, I'm wondering what will happen next!

I really like this

Ohhh, right from the summary line the plot thickens!

I just got through chapter one, and man I am already liking where this is going! For some reason this story kinda has me thinking in "color"--- like the beginning is all grey scale, and all of the sudden this waitress comes along and everything starts taking color... does this make sense?

PS--- New England Clam Chowdah is wicked awesome.

I've recced and subbed!

chapter one
I love how this starts out with the monotony of the boring dates that they've had since they started dating. I can just feel how bored and not happy Mandy is by just reading the first few paragraphs. It's a realistic married relationship, that's for sure. You get so used to routine that you don't want to change it, but of course, it gets boring after a while. And it sucks that her husband doesn't see it that way.

Ohhh, Mandy has a little crush on the stunning woman. I can feel it's gonna cause some problems in the future (and I'm sure it's who he was talking about in the summary).

chapter two
All right, there HAS to be something going on. I mean Sophia gave her a sly smile. You don't give those to just anyone. Oh, I can't wait to see their future interactions. I just think it's funny how worked up Mandy gets from the encounter; it's as if it's love at first sight.

chapter three
Me too Kyle, I get too focused on the TV when doing homework, and that's why it takes me too long to finish it.

Hmmm... maybe someone broke into the neighbors house and stole some stuff...? Or maybe it was an unknown creature! (I'm only guessing this by the cover photo; it could be a vampire that broke into their house, I don't know).

chapter four
"Well I do work here almost every day,"
Omg Mandy.

She gets sooo excited to meet up with her and it's just so funny and cute. Mandy, you make me laugh.

chapter five

Mandy, I think even Sophia can tell that you aren't so happily married. I mean, woman pick up on stuff as obvious as that.

OMG was it Sophia who broke into the neighbors house? I mean, that's how she would know about her family and where she lives. Oh goodness, so much suspense. Anyway, I absolutely love this story. I can't wait to see what happens in the future.

Chapter One

I loved the first chapter! The fact that Mandy is in a stopped relationship with Dylan and she wants something more, and then the waitress (do I spy a lesbian crush coming up???). I didn't see any mistakes and the flow was perfect!

Chapter Two

YES, I DO SPY LESBIANS! I think. I definitely believe there's something going on there. I hope Sophia turns out to be kind and everything. Also, Dylan is oblivious, oh wow.

Chapter Three

Oh dang, okay. That was a little weird. Due to you drawing on the fact that the figure was slender, I'm wondering if it was Sophia. If it caused Many to shiver the way she did, it would also explain why she had the reactions she did at the restaurant.

Chapter Four

Hmmm, while my gay self is still screaming 'lesbians', I'm also wondering if it's because Mandy is feeling suspicious of Sophia but doesn't quite know it.

Chapter Five

Hmm, I'm hoping Mandy's reaction doesn't set Sophia off somehow. I figured it was Sophia at the house, though! I feel like Sophia has more in mind than just a quick romance, either she's trying to break up a marriage or something much more sinister.

Either way, I'm absolutely loving this and I can't wait to read more! This is so amazing and I moved right through it. The pacing is perfect and the chapters are short and to the point. I can't wait to read more!!

A-yep, I loved this chapter. It gives off an anxious feeling but then again Mandy is confused about her conflicting feelings towards her husband and Sophia. This was short but to the point and I loved it. Sophia's just a natural flirt aint she? I can tell and even then she doesn't care who knows she's flirting with a married woman. lol. This was an amusing chapter and honestly, i think the reader below me said it all. Great job, Erin.

I really like how this interaction wasn't smooth, I like that Mandy was anxious about meeting with Sophia and that Sophia seemed to take it all in her stride without any worries. Great update :)

Romance isn't my usual jam, but I just breezed through this whole thing. I'm compelled by Mandy's internal conflict, how she is bored with her life and how she is so utterly spellbound by this woman.
As a small note of criticism I would say to go over and maybe read aloud certain lines because there were a few times I found things to be wordy and awkward to read, like this line in chapter four for instance:
Mandy asked, pretended like she didn't know her and not understanding why she felt so strange around this woman, but she didn't want to put much thought into it. -I had to read this one over a few times because I stumbled over it. It might have worked better to reword it more simply or make it two sentences or something like that.
But overall, really great work! I might read the rest of the series when more is published!

Uh-oh, I smell so much trouble ahead... Excited to see where this goes! I love how different the plot it from most storylines in original fiction over here. If an affair is on the horizon, it usually happens to either people who are dating or engaged. But you took it to the next level! It's a real breath of fresh air. Love it!

I read the chapters that are up from this story in just one sitting. First off, the layout is beautiful and intriguing.

The dialogue sentence, as the summary, was precise and quite informational. It gives a lot of the story’s plot, and that makes it not only an attention getter- but also alluring as to know what is going to happen.

Even though the first chapter is not very long, you managed to capture very well the recent relationship between Dylan and Mandy, which is obvious monotonous and somewhat the realistic statistics of most truthful marriages. So far, I feel bad for Mandy for having to live in basically misery, just because there is no more spark between her and her husband.

It is evident the interaction between Mandy and Sophia in the second chapter. The quote in the summary is a huge help for readers, especially to understand the objective of the second chapter. If you wouldn’t add that specific quote, readers might had been confused as to know, if the small reciprocal action between them will lead to an eventual relationship, because there is not a lot of details given. So, good job!

This story has a lot of potential. It is written with care and delicacy, but I think describing more emotions with details will make it stronger.
There were quite a few punctuation errors, that I am sure can be fixed if another reading glance was made. I had to read some of the lines more than once to understand a little bit, but it was nothing that distracted me from reading.

Overall, this is a good and interesting plot that has a lot of potential.

I am going to stay around to see where this goes.

This is so cute and adorable. Mandy reminds me of a school girl having her first crush and Sophia is that crush being all cool. calm, and possibly secretly aware of the crush?. lol. I'm wondering if it was Sophia who followed her home? And judging from the atmosphere in the third chapter, the "stalker" probably was a vampire. So many questions but don't ruin the surprise so soon! Just keep us guessing with more great chapters! <3

I liked this chapter. It was simple, to the point but also moves the plot forward. I like how you put emphasis on certain words, it really brought the dialogue to life.

Your description is also quite good here as well. I am definitely seeing improvements.

The fact that these two characters are forming a friendship before you move it in a different direction is also nice, I hope you continue with that.

Ahh I'm loving this so far. I only wish I'd read it sooner!

I feel like Mandy's apparent boredom with her marriage is so realistic and well written. Definitely drew me in. I was also surprised (pleasantly, of course) by Mandy's attraction to Sophia. I can't wait to see where it goes, especially with Mandy's nervousness. Also can't wait to see how it plays out with Dylan and the kids.

ooooh, this was good! i'm excited to see what happens next between Mandy and Sophia.

Okay so immediately I notice how you've narrated that they're home, and then you have Dylan remarking on it as well. I think that if you're going to have Dylan speak on it, it's a bit redundant to have it mentioned as well.

I do like how you have a bit of a gender role difference. Normally we only ever see teenage girls being babysitter's to their siblings.

Mandy cupped her hands around her eyes and peered out the window, scanning the portion of the side yard. This is a wonderful use of description.

Other than that there isn't much I can say, maybe mention where Dylan wanders off to. You definitely have some suspense going on here. Overall this is a good update.

This is so cute yet sad at the same time. I love how you had Mandy being bored with the same old routine and Dylan being oblivious to it, which sadly happens in real life a lot of the times. While I love the start of the story, it's a good one actually, I feel there's a bit of a lack in details but not enough to keep me from imagining what's going on with the characters and what's happening around them of course. I can't wait to read the next chapter (which will be happening in a few minutes. ) Great job!

Keep an eye on how often you use certain words. For instance, you have "bill" in the first four paragraphs and it starts to look a bit overused.

Overall it's a good update and you still have me curious of Sophie's role in Mandy's life, because clearly there's something there.

I'm curious on what is going to happen next with Mandy and Sophia! Loved the update! Can't wait for more.

The layout is so cool!!!!

And I am wondering what is up with Mandy

I really enjoy how you jump right into the story and action, giving very little about exactly what is going on! It makes me anxious to read more to find out what is happening. Hope you update soon!