March 24th, 2017 at 03:14am
He was the world in a person. This line just might be one of my favorite lines I've ever read.
I sort of feel like the relationship between the two of them evolved a bit too quickly. He starts off just as her brother's friend, and after one night where there isn't even any meaningful conversation she's inviting him in to bed with her? It's just a bit awkward, if I'm being honest.
The first half of this chapter seems a bit choppy compared to the rest. That might be because it doesn't have as much detail, but I'm also kind of finding some of the transitions to be a bit abrupt.
I like how you showcase the relationship of Nick and Christian, as well as the one between Christian and his sister.
Towards the end of the chapter you've even begun to really dig into both Siv and Nick and it makes their relationship a lot less awkward.
Overall I really like this update. I find Nick's back story interesting, and I can't help but wonder about Siv's dreams of him.
Let's start with specifics:
The key to pulling someone in to a story is to have a gripping first line; its something I've always struggled with and something I like to help people refine as growing writers.It leaves mystery, poses a question. Simple, I like it.You've probably heard this a million times: Show, don't tell. Tell us it isn't yet morning through descriptive words and set the scene. I also would recommend continuing the heir of mystery posed with the first line. No one was outside, as everyone was probably at work or at school. The second part seems awkward there, try to alter the sentence to make the flow better.
(Brand names should be capitalized)
And now, generalizations:
Syntax is a skillful ally when crafting sentences. Try varying the length of your sentences; toward the beginning, the choppy sentences didn't fit. Paragraphs like 4 and 5 would flow better with a string of various sentence lengths; try joining some and adding new ones when you write.
You're really good at suspense. I'd work to get even better and play to your strengths when you write. (I would join the lines "“Hey,” I said, figuring it was my brother getting something to eat. But someone much taller than him stood up. My heart stopped for a minute." together and add more descriptions. Something like, "In the darkness, the figure was like a [scary description]." You know?). I would love to read a full-length thriller from you.
You're also really good at writing realistic dialogue, the things here are things I could actually hear from someone in real life. My only advice is to add feelings to the dialogue tags. (One specific: "My grandfather built this for my father when he was a child." is repetitive and weird. Simply changing "father" to "dad" and "child" to "kid" makes it so much better.)
I was confused when Nick handed her the book and said he wanted her to read it. How did he know she was struggling with nightmares? He's her brother's friends, not her, and as far as the story has revealed they have nearly no history.
That felt mean, lol, but I actually liked it. It's strange and mysterious and I want to read more. Great job!