The Devil's Super Soldier - Comments

I like the concept of this. I've read a few stories about the concept of a super-soldier and it's always been something that interests me. The fact that he's on this mission amongst mere mortals is also really interesting -- it makes me wonder if Oeder will slip up or perhaps do something wrong. You give us a lot of information about how Oeder's background influences how he acts at the academy -- for example, the fight he got into and the suchlike. I enjoyed the little aside about how he was roped into beign a super-soldier as well -- although it did seem a little Gary Stu (I've seen virtually no flaws in Oeder's character in the three chapters I've read), it was an interesting anecdote. A couple of super-soldier stories I've read don't have any explanation as to how the person got involved, so having the aside about pride for his country pushing him into the presidential race and then that same blind faith in country pushing him towards something that perhaps wasn't the best move on the planet for him. It'll be interesting to see where that goes, and whether any potential resentment he would hold against the president will manifest itself in time.

I feel like the execution of this could be better, however. I agree with the comment below -- with the flashbacks and locations, it does read more as a cut-and-dry screenplay, which is a little distracting. Additionally, some parts seem quite rushed and more conversational than writing. I feel like areas such as the devil connection are a little confusing -- there isn't enough background information that allows the reader to understand the link between Oeder, Rias and the entire religious / heaven and hell stem that your plotline alludes to. I think with more work, this could be a really good story -- just be careful not to rush as it could ruin it!

This reads a lot like a screen play with the location info and the flashback start/stop language. It's really cut and dry, but you could make it more real or vivid by giving your starting character more depth. I get he/she's a super soldier, but he/she has to have emotions other than calm and kill to make the story a bit realistic for the reader.