Rainy Days and Mondays - Comments

  • Unluckyinlove

    Unluckyinlove (100)

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    @ jaxprog
    Hi, Jaxprog.

    Thanks so much for your feedback! It was very constructive and you gave some very helpful tips. I probably should have mentioned in the chapter notes to limit confusion but the paragraphs that switch to first person are excerpts from Harry's journal, the one that Pippa later finds and reads. On the original site where I posted this oneshot, there was an option to italics which made it much easier to differentiate the journal entries from the actual text. Sorry about that confusion. Also, I'd intended for the story to be written in third person omniscient but I guess since most of the focus was on Pippa it could be hard to tell.

    Again, thank you so much for reading and your constructive feedback! And also, thanks for the recommendation!
    April 27th, 2017 at 08:00pm
  • jaxprog

    jaxprog (100)

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    Awesome story and well written overall.

    There are a couple places I read up to that threw me off.

    Harry tugged at his unruly curls and sighed. His green eyes narrowed at the smiling girl in front of him and he felt as if he might scream. –UnluckyInLove

    Pippa is the viewpoint character. It’s impossible to know what Harry is feeling from her point of view being the narrator in 3rd person limited.

    ~

    She’s breaking me. Maybe I need to distance myself. I find myself entranced in her smile and mesmerized by her laugh. I get distracted when I look into her eyes. I nearly forget my name as I study the curve of her lips when she speaks. She makes me feel things. Things I haven’t felt in forever. She’s lovely. Terribly lovely and she’s breaking me. I don’t want her to. I can’t fall for her. I can’t. If I do I’ll be replacing HER. And I can never forgive myself for that. I can’t fall for her. I won’t fall for her. I have to protect my heart. –UnLuckyInLove

    This one sticks out like sore thumb. The viewpoint character has changed for this paragraph only and you switch from 3rd person limited to 1st person. Ouch!

    It’s not a bad thing to switch the viewpoint character in a story but often the switching is done introducing a new chapter. However if it is done within a chapter or a scene, it’s called “passing the baton”. Passing the baton is said to be a bad writing practice.

    A simple example:
    Jaxprog picked up the coffee cup and sipped. “Yuck, needs more Hazelnut.” What sort of coffee had he sipped?

    He put the cup on the table and slid it toward UnLuckyInLove.

    She picked up the coffee cup. She had no desire for germs. She lifted the cup to her nose, “It seems fine to me.”

    The coffee cup plays the role as the baton. When you pick it up, the viewpoint character has shifted to you and now we can know what you are thinking, Germs… Yuck.

    But again, passing the baton is considered bad writing practice and at the same time there are authors who have implemented it in published novels.
    April 27th, 2017 at 07:16pm