Day 7 - Comments

@ jaxprog Thank you for the advice, I was struggling towards the end of that with the wording. I've read and reread what you've wrote here and all I can say is thank you for taking the time to provide this advice

Very creative writing. I have read your other day stories and it sounds like you no problem developing settings, characters and situations. You have a rich imagination which every writer needs.

If I may point out a few opportunities:

Toward the end of the story, where the paragraph starts, “Nancy searched the area where the church was, sirens blasting in the distance”

There are two point of view errors to watch out for when writing 1st person narratives.

The first being, telling the reader what the narrator can’t see. In this case, the narrator has fallen into the well at which point she can’t see Nancy searching the area or see the police searching. It is feasible she may hear sirens blasting for brief period of time.

The second being at this point in the story you switch from 1st person narrative to a 3rd person narrative.

I feel the best way to handle that is to write the story in 3rd person omniscient as opposed to 1st person.

Writing in 3rd person omniscient allows you take camera so to speak out of Megan, who is the narrator and put the camera outside of both characters. The narrator now sees all and knows all. There is no need to be concerned where any of the characters are and what they are doing in relation to each other.

Another way to reconcile this issue, when writing in first person, the author may switch what is called the view point character. To use your story as an example, Meagan starts off as the view point character then passes the baton so to speak to Nancy. However when its Nancy’s turn to become the narrator you must still maintain 1st person point of view as opposed to switching to 3rd person point of view. When you write I did this or I did that, I would be referring to Nancy.

The trick to switching view point characters is to ground the reader making sure that its understood when you write, “I” that “I” is referring to the new view point character.

Overall I think 3rd person omniscient would be better because your story too detached for a 1st person narrative. Writing in 1st person requires you to write very close to the narrating character so that reader may experience what the narrator is going through.

Here is an example of a climactic moment as a close 1st person narrative:

Pitter-pattering pelted the ceiling and water dripped inside. I watched and Nancy descended the stairs one step at a time like stretched oozing molasses. A waft of death filled my nose and she looked as if she has risen from watery a grave. Black sludge coated her skin.

Was this Nancy or the young girl I’d seen earlier?

She staggered closer, like her legs had been broken.

“Nancy. Is that you? What’s wrong with you?”

I moved backward outside and rain soaked me. My shoes sunk in mush.

She moved closer. Her foot plowed a trail of mud and sludge behind her.

My shoulders tightened and bumps carpeted my skin. I continued backward. “Nancy please don’t come near me. Please. Get away from me.”

Black sludge dripped from her hand and she reached toward me.

I screamed and stepped back once more. Air escaped my breath and I floated into darkness.

So you see the difference? In your version you summarize it and tell it, which is great for 3rd person omniscient. However In first person you live the experience with the narrator. Her last experience is falling. She never knows she hits the bottom. She’s gone. It’s over. She can’t narrate past that point because she, the narrator, is dead.

Have Fun. Keep writing. Peace.

Can't wait for more. <3