November 19th, 2017 at 07:02am
Finally getting this Mibbaween comment done! (Sorry for the delay!) I've read and will comment the first two chapters (00. and 01.)
You did a really good job on the opening of the story. The opening paragraph, in particular, provides really good description of both character and setting without going overboard. I also like how you provided a few sensory details (the cool feel of the pole, the sound of the music and the crowd, etc.) to give readers a real feel of the scene.
The chapters are short but compelling, the two I read had good flow going from chapter to chapters. It's interesting that the scene set by the first chapter was actually backstory, this is something that could have been jarring or even silly if written poorly, but you handled it very well. I think the start of the next chapter being her waking from a dream about the Guild was a nice way to segue to the rest of the story.
I really like the ending of chapter 01. It's a great character moment, and once again you have written it very well, giving some information and insight into Marie's appearance and more importantly things related to her backstory, her motivations, and personality. I really like the idea of the marks that different experiences have left her with being represented physically with the tattoo and the white streak in her hair.
All in all, this is very well-written, and so far is interesting and compelling. This isn't really a fandom I read fic in or really know much of anything about, so I doubt I'll read on, but I'm certainly going to recommend it!
I'm not into X-Men, but I'm glad you sent this story my way because I'm really enjoying it so far!
I like how you opened up with Marie dancing and how it wasn't her first choice. And also how she got the job. I thought you pulled it off really well.
01.
Jean seems like a really good friend, as does Scott. I'm glad Marie found a place to go after everything went awry at that club. I'm really curious to know what happened with all of that, though, and I hope it's explained later on!
02.
Logan seems like he's had a pretty rough life and I'm wondering what happened to Rose. Did she die? Leave him? I'm excited to find out!
03.
Oh no, Remy. She'd known something was going to happen, but I hope everything turns out okay and she fights him off. Either that or Logan swoops in to save her.
04.
I loved the action in this scene. Azazel definitely seemed like a prick, I agree with Logan there. However, Logan seems like a bit of a prick too, but he handled that with such grace, I was surprised. You can definitely tell hes had his fair share of fights.
05.
The beginning of this chapter was so emotional for me. God, I can't imagine walking in on my grandfather dead. It would kill me. I think you handled the scene well, though! And I have a feeling Logan isn't going to get silence from Marie.
06.
I really, really hope Jean and Scott don't end up dead. It was good of Logan to help, even though Marie basically blackmailed him.
07.
Oh no. I'm actually really sad Scott's dead! Hopefully Jean will be okay too, though I have a bad feeling about it all.
08.
I'm wondering if she really is cursed or if it was all just coincidence that it all happened. I feel bad for Remy though and his death was rather touching.
09.
I really liked this chapter. With Marie finally telling Logan what was up and everything and then asking to be taught how to fight. I thought it was touching that Logan willingly said yes.
10.
Ah, so Rose was killed. I'm wondering who did it and why, but I doubt that'll be shared. Part of me hopes it is, because I'm really curious. It doesn't surprise me that Logan is so hardened now, honestly.
11.
This chapter was really sweet. I liked the little bit of bonding you shared between Marie and Logan. It was sweet to see.
12.
It all started out so nice, and then Victor came along! Dammit. I'm wondering how Logan knows him.
13.
Yeah, go Logan! You tell Victor what's up! Ah, and just as I was getting really into this, there are no more chapters. I'm really enjoying what you've got so far! Chuck is probably my favorite, but then again I have a soft spot for animals. I hope everything works out with Marie finding Jean and everything. Well done!