October 7th, 2017 at 08:34am
I really like this. It just feels natural, soulful, and real. I can tell that you're writing from the heart, not just your head. Some of the descriptions are just perfect; like when you described his hair as 'tinted a strange yellow-brown,' the image was crystal clear in my mind. Another thing that stood out to me about this was the emotional quality of it. The way you described their mutual "intimacy with sorrow," was really beautiful and defined their relationship for the reader.
My only critique so far is that I don't understand what writing this in second person adds to the story. I don't think it's necessary to add such a novelty, since the writing is good enough to not require one.
I adore my boys so much. Even in their sadness and brokenness I love these characters and I always will. You write the sadness so beautifully, I know that it's Jas' sadness and Eli is observing it, but still, you write it in a way that keeps it light and elegant and still very powerful. Your descriptions are perfection, and I just love how you can feel Eli and Jas within the descriptions. Like they're actually the ones writing this story. Which I know is actually sort of true because these boys have a mind of their own. I also really liked how this could be a stand alone story. Obviously I know their history, but their relationship is so clear in this story that even if you didn't know these characters, you would still get it and understand them.
“Let’s go home and sleep off all of our leftover angst.”
This may be my favourite thing you've ever added into a story. Also same.
I love you and I love these boys and I love this story so, so much. This comment doesn't do the story any justice but I adore it all.