Goodbye - Comments

  • losing control.

    losing control. (4250)

    :
    Board Moderator
    Gender:
    Age:
    27
    Location:
    Canada
    I'm here judging for the Keep the Music Short and Sweet contest.

    This was quite a tragic piece. I thought you wrote well for the song that you chose, with the tone in your story matching the tone in the song quite well. I also didn't even realize this was a fanfiction until you mentioned hockey, so I enjoyed that it could be read as an original and didn't require knowledge of anything else to read.

    I feel like it missed the mark a bit with the emotion, though. It was tragic and I wanted to feel sad just by reading it, but because it lacked a bit in descriptions, I didn't quite get as much emotion out of it as I was wanting to. I knew it was supposed to be sad because of the content, but I wanted to really feel it and I didn't really get much in that aspect. I would suggest maybe adding a bit more description and really playing up the emotion to take the story to the next level.

    Overall though, I think this has a lot of potential. Thanks for entering!
    August 12th, 2017 at 08:57am