Less Children - Comments

  • TheCoreysGirl

    TheCoreysGirl (200)

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    Great so far! :) I like it. Very intriguing and brilliant, as well as phenomenal, too. :) Update as soon as you can, please. :)
    June 8th, 2011 at 01:10am
  • TheCoreysGirl

    TheCoreysGirl (200)

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    Ah, good for Sophie that she told Mark about what happened to her, and I'm glad he believed her, too. :)

    He heard Sophia begging Alex to leave her alone. He ran into the room and furiously pulled Alex away, throwing him into the shelves opposite the ones he had pushed Sophia into.

    “She’s pregnant, you blithering imbecile!” Mark yelled, going to Sophia.

    He took her by the hand into the hallway, and out on the grass-covered grounds of the school, one of his hands on her back supporting her. “Here, have a seat,” he said as he led her to a bench. “Breathe deeply in, and exhale slowly. You’re gonna be alright.” He took a pack of tissues from his back pack and gave it to Sophia. “Calm down. It’s no reason to cry. We’re going to the principal right now.”
    “No! I don’t wanna go!” Sophia exclaimed, agitated.
    “Why not?”
    “I just… I don’t think we should… You wouldn’t understand.”
    “I would, if you told me. I know I’ve only known you three or four weeks, but I think you should trust me, Soph. What is it that you’re scared about telling the principal?”
    “It wouldn’t do any good. It wouldn’t erase what happened in there, it would just make the matter public. Who knows if Alex would even get punished? He’s very influential, you know it.”
    “That’s still no reason why we shouldn’t tell the principal. Soph… what is it about you? I know, I know that what Alex did was horrible and disgusting, but you looked so… aggravated. You didn’t get pregnant the old school way, did you?”
    Sophia abruptly looked up at him.
    “No.”
    “What happened?”
    A new tear went down her face, followed closely by another.
    “I was raped one night, coming home from a concert. I don’t want to continue. All I know is that this is a matter very fresh in my head, and that I am bearing the child of that monster. For my entire life, I will have to know and carry around the fact that my child, whom I have grown to love and expect excitedly, is not the fruit of love, but of the biggest nightmare of my life. Please, don’t carry on with the asking, Mark.”

    Mark’s jaw fell down, leaving him with a gaping mouth. The beautiful superiority his face usually expressed turned into an expression of deep solidarity.
    “I am very sorry that I asked so curiously about this, Sophia. I had no right. In exchange for this embarrassing gesture of mine, I can only hope that you will still consider me a friend.”
    “Don’t worry, Mark. I am, as it is, already deeply indebted to you. Who knows how far Alex would have gone if it weren’t for you? I have to go home now. Math has been giving me an awfully hard time, and I have to study for the exam next week,” she said grabbing her bag, fixing the black, soft blouse over her belly and took off, down the school alley.
    “Sophia… Perhaps I could help you with Math. I mean, I’m pretty good, it could be useful.”
    “You would do that?”
    “That’s what friends are for,” he said, smiling, once again proving wrong his superiority-inspiring gaze.


    Very brilliant chapter! :)
    June 8th, 2011 at 01:05am
  • TheCoreysGirl

    TheCoreysGirl (200)

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    I like it so far. :) Very ingenius and creative, too. :)

    As she found her locker and opened it, a girl next to her slammed her own locker door. The girl looked very clean and classic, her blonde hair caught neatly in a tight ponytail, a granny cardigan buttoned all the way up and old-fashioned pearls hanging from her neck. She smelt of expensive perfume. Sophia tried to smile, making a final appeal to her well-natured old ways, trying to make the girl ignore her baby bump.
    “Another pregnant sophomore. What’s your story? Your step dad forced you into this? No. You were artificially inseminated by mistake. No. You were asleep and you don’t remember. Or, you were drugged. No, I know, by the look on your face, you’re trying to make us believe you were raped! Right? Slut. Have fun.”
    Sophia looked down to her belly, round under the soft, comfortable fabric of her top, sighed, and started walking away, keeping her head down. She had known it was going to be this way.
    “Don’t mind Erica. She is trying to make-believe she’s a virgin, that’s why she always tries to put down pregnant girls,” said a girl two lockers away, closing her own locker and turning to reveal her own baby bump, one covered in a Metallica T-shirt. She wore some kind of ripped jeans, old-looking and stone-washed. “I’m Sage. At least that’s who I wanna be,” she smiled and outstretched a slim, very white hand. A boy, very tall, came to the girl that had introduced herself as Sage and grabbed her hand into his own.
    “This is Jamie, my fiance.”
    Sophia couldn’t help but open her mouth widely and keep it that way for a while. What was this, Married with Children High? “The fiance” outstretched an arm himself and shook Sophia’s hand.
    “And you are?”
    “Oh, sorry guys. I’m Sophia. Sorry!”
    “Don’t worry! You’re definitely not the first one to be bewildered by this. We did something 15-year-olds shouldn’t really do 5 months and a half ago. The rubber broke and, that’s how I’m the future Mrs. Durham and these are my baby girl and my baby boy,” she said, placing each of her hands on two different sides of her belly. “We’re waiting to turn 16, get emancipated from our parents and get legally married. It’s all been decided and talked to our parents, in case you were wondering. And I tend to tell my life story to every person that walks in front of me,” she said, breathing out loud and smiling.
    “Wow, twins? Aren’t you… afraid?”
    “Nahh, I’m past that. What are you having?”
    “I’m not sure. I didn’t wanna know…”
    “Come on, Sage, we have English,” Jamie said, smiling at Sophia.
    “Oh me too, I have English too,” Sophia said as they took off to their first class.


    Great job writing this! :)
    June 8th, 2011 at 01:00am
  • the bride of frankie

    the bride of frankie (100)

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    I see a lot of potential in this story. My only iffy's are that you're way too obvious of the basic plotline of this story in your summary. "-as that man violently raped her." Is what turned me off. I think you should re-do that...maybe make it so it seems more mysterious. Because now the reader knows what's going to happen. Leave them wanting to know. You see? The story is decent, but try and differentiate your dialogue from your text messaging. The entire section is italicized so maybe bold that. But, yes. Third person is a better choice than doing first person, so brava. You can really capture a character that way. But then the reader never knows her thoughts. You could do things such as, 'One would think this a frightening thing, yada yada." You see? Hope this helped a bit, sorry. Normally I would've gotten much more into it but I'm not having that super of a day. Keep up the writing though dear, your potential is incredible.
    February 10th, 2009 at 10:04pm
  • Heartbreak Warfare.

    Heartbreak Warfare. (100)

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    I love this story, you should definately update soon. :)
    February 8th, 2009 at 12:14am
  • talk2me55309

    talk2me55309 (100)

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    I love it! Don't stop!
    October 25th, 2008 at 01:29am
  • Flynn Rider

    Flynn Rider (300)

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    Ha ha, what an adorable chapter :cute:
    October 8th, 2008 at 08:34am
  • Angelus.

    Angelus. (100)

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    Wow, great chapter. I love how you combine cute characters, with a great story line and fantastic grammar and vocabulary.
    I loved the metaphors you use, and I adored the ending of that chapter; it was so deep, and almost... breath-takingly written.

    Mark is such a sweetie :tehe:

    More soon!

    PS - My name's Welsh! Hell yeah :con:
    October 7th, 2008 at 12:12am
  • x.Kris.x

    x.Kris.x (100)

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    wow interesting twist. i was all prepared for her to have to face him again (not physically, but emotionally), but wow. FINALLY you let the poor girl reach some level of happiness! =D lmao. it's about time woman.
    although...what did you mean, she wouldn't have to tell her child how they were conceived? like, she's not going to lie about it, is she? she's just going to tell her child that he's dead, right? because...i dunno i think my love for sophia would definitely diminish if she lied to her kid...
    awwwww =] that officer is so awesome. it sometimes amazes me how people will care, you know? makes cynical old me weaken lol. and i'm glad her friends are happy for her as well!
    i can't wait for more love <3
    September 17th, 2008 at 05:42am
  • Flynn Rider

    Flynn Rider (300)

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    Chapter 6

    The way you described the pain of going through pregnancy is really believable.
    And the cradle, I can imagine it perfectly from the way you described it. Yes, babies
    are adorable, exclude the crying and pooping, but they're humans too (:

    Sophia, to me, is both happy and is rather in some pain, but mostly she's happy
    about the child she is bearing even though it was a horrible accident that happened to her... She's still happy about the child she is bearing.

    Wonderful description of her father's unconditional love, just wonderful.

    Chapter 7
    And the beast was slayed by a knight.

    YES! Haha, I praise that police officer! Sophia finally feels relieved and safe
    she can now raise her child in the most wonderful way. That's a great feeling...
    To have the molester killed and you're safe and others too.

    I like the fact that you made her cry, of course, who wouldn't right? But the feeling
    of her relieved made me relief too.. Because I always thought that we would come back somehow D: But he died, yaaay.
    September 12th, 2008 at 11:38pm
  • Angelus.

    Angelus. (100)

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    Okay, first off I would like to apologise for not commenting on the past few chapters. *hangs head in shame again*

    Secondly, I really enjoy reading this story! It's a real breath of fresh air - your vocabulary and grammar is excellent, and each chapter is as good to read as the last, with plot twists, but nothing so repetative and cliche-dramatic as would turn this into a soap opera type fiction. It's realistic, and I admire that.

    This is one of the very few stories I am reading that isn't a fan-fic, and I'm really glad I stumbled across it, because it is now one of my favourite stories too!
    September 12th, 2008 at 11:20pm
  • The Lovecraft

    The Lovecraft (500)

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    maduza:
    He's gone. That's a powerful feeling.
    There are some people out there who pray for that every day an never get it.
    Yes, I thought of that while writing it. I just felt like adding this detail to the plot for Sophia, she deserved it, for her sacrifice.
    September 8th, 2008 at 12:45pm
  • none1

    none1 (100)

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    He's gone. That's a powerful feeling.
    There are some people out there who pray for that every day an never get it.
    September 7th, 2008 at 06:16pm
  • x.Kris.x

    x.Kris.x (100)

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    ugh finally i get around to do this.
    ...
    so ok i have a confession to make. i actually DON"T like kids. all that much. like, i'll see them, go "awwwww" pat them on the head like a dog awkwardly, and then walk away. lol. BUUUUUUTTTT i found this last chapter adorable! haha the way you describe all the things she was buying, and how they were helping build her excitement for her child. it was touching.
    but not as touching as the bit with her father. i swear, my heart almost broke while i was reading about how he felt useless since he hadn't been able to protect her from something so horrible. just the image of a father cradling his pregnant daughter gently-almost as though she would break- in his arms just brings tears to my eyes every time. yeah i'm a daddy's girl; is it that obvious?
    i enjoyed the update. it's nice to have a little focus on how sophia feels about the upcoming baby. and YIKES 32nd week? i'm not sure i want this story to move this fast =[ ...oh well i'm sure you'll make it worth my while <3
    August 28th, 2008 at 06:58am
  • Julienne

    Julienne (100)

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    I liked the chapter very much and it made me want to have a baby, though I don't imagine myself wth a enormous belly. It was that cute. And your words and the way you discribed every tiny baby thing.
    August 18th, 2008 at 09:54am
  • none1

    none1 (100)

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    Maybe I'm a pessamist but I sence something bad happening.
    o.o;;
    August 16th, 2008 at 07:41pm
  • Julienne

    Julienne (100)

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    I find this chapter very original and I don't see the reason why souldn't like it. It has everything. Drama, very well written, the beautiful, intelligent hero, and Sophia finally trusting somebody, expecially a male, showing an upcoming tight friendship. I think I smell romance, but it might be just my impression.

    Well, I'm looking forword to reading the next chapter.
    August 7th, 2008 at 11:46am
  • x.Kris.x

    x.Kris.x (100)

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    BAH!
    *takes bat and beats alex over the head with it*
    =] now i feel better.
    lol. i'm glad this finally happened, i was wondering when sophia would tell mark about what occurred. and with the way mark's character is shaping up, i'm gonna assume he's not gonna tell anyone else, which makes me smile. i know it's weird, but i like the idea of only mark knowing, because it not only proves what a great person he is, but that it would stop everyone pitying sophia and shit like that. plus, it creates a special bond between the two. and besides, it isn't anyone elses' business, honestly. i mean, not only would it be traumatic to have to relive the experience by telling everyone, but...sigh. i can't even finish that. geez, it's like 2am and i'm still up commenting! if i fall asleep at work, i am so blaming you and your amazing story! =D
    i was a little disappointed with sophia's flashback when alex grabbed her and was trying to force himself on her though...sorry. but i dunno, i kind of expected that to be a much more dramatic and epic event, you know? because it would show how fresh the event was, and how much pain sophia's going through. but i DO see how that would be hard to do, seeing as how the story is written in third person. at least mark came in to save her =] knight in shining armour much? haha especially since he's helping her with math. what a sweetie.
    i just hope her fears aren't going to overcome her when she starts getting closer to mark (which is something i'm assuming...correct me if i'm wrong =P but it's what all the readers want to happen!).
    ok mini-novel over. sorry lol.
    August 1st, 2008 at 08:00am
  • Flynn Rider

    Flynn Rider (300)

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    Alas, I agree with Maduza, I have a feeling as well that Alex will stay in the story and show up unexpectedly along the way.

    The chapter, has the, scary atmosphere of high school. I think the chapter portrayed somewhat a realistic look in high school life. Alex also somewhat reminds me of the vicious raper of Sophia, then again, Alex is a horny, perverted high school student, nothing different from Sophia's raper.

    Mark is a very caring, intellectual fellow. I'm glad he burst through that door and saved, like superman (:

    Lovely chapter.
    July 29th, 2008 at 04:29am
  • none1

    none1 (100)

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    Uh....Oh....
    Something tells me this Alex guy ain't gonna go away. O.O;
    July 28th, 2008 at 06:41pm