Sijaun, the Hearteater (and Other Stories) - Comments

oh my goodness... I loved that. You're writing is very deep, visual, and emotional (). That was very dark, but delightfully so.

I think there was one typo and one sentence that seemed a bit forced. My only complaint is that most of the chapters were so short... but maybe I liked it that way... It made me feel like I was reading faster

Keep up your writing! I think I'm gonna go read your other stuff now... :cute:

PS I liked the first ending of The Biography... The actual ending made me laugh, though... :XD

Told you I'd get round to reviewing this eventually! Sorry about the wait! :twitch:

First of all, I absolutely love the layout! It really matched the story well, it was really ominous and scary, and plus the image is so fucking badass! I actually saved it and it's the desktop background right now.

I love the sheer individuality of this piece, too. I've never read anything like it before, both on the internet and in books. It's one of my favourites by you for sure, and is also one of my favourites on mibba. I'm going to link this on my page once I'm done reviewing. I like the fact that it's a bit like a creepy fairy tale, it reminds me a little bit of a fairy tale that my teacher used to read to the class in year 2 (we were six). I can't remember much of it, but there was a rainbow cat in it and it used to absolutely terrify me! :lmfao

The Biography
I loved the opening, in particular. It was really strong and it really set a bit of an ominous mood for the piece. There is a beginning. There is a present. But it has yet to end. It instantly draws the reader in and makes them wonder about what's going on, and what has to end. It's quite intriguing, to tell the truth, and the first time I read this, I had that feeling that you get when you know something is going to be amazing. And it's one of the best feelings ever! :tehe:

This just says a lot. There is no love that passes through his veins. It's almost like he doesn't know how to love any more. He's bitter and upset, and the love has long-since gone through his body because his heart has been lost. And theres just nothing going through his veins any more, its basically just like he's existing.

This was a clever description. Like other monsters, he is a predator, always raging, always hungry. Like, it was established that he isn't tactless and he doesn't look like a monster. But it's established that he is a monster and I think this is significant - he's the perfect monster because he doesn't look like one and he lulls his victims into a false sense of security. And then strikes!

I like the fact that this was mused upon. Surely it is only a matter of time before there would be too many monsters, and too few people with human hearts to feed on. This isn't a story where it's all "oh, he can go on forever!" and this gives the story a more realistic feel. I would have wondered that, if you hadn't mentioned it. And it would have made the story less believable to me. So kudos to you for adding this bit in.

This line was quite sad. When he was a person. A boy. A boy with a name. I'm not sure why this saddened me so much. Probably because he used to have an identity, and now he's just...nothing. He's just a monster who eats other people's hearts and he's not really a person any more. He's nameless and is something that people fear. He stopped being like everybody else, and he was changed.

This was just so heartbreaking. What he loved were his parents. He liked to think he made them proud. Like, all he wants is for his parents to be happy with him, and proud of what he does. And he just wants to show them that he loves them, but they don't give him any love back. It's like their hearts have already been taken (not sure about his dad's but I know his mother's hasn't been taken yet), and they just don't have any time for him. And maybe this is why he acts like his father does when he starts to take people's hearts. Because he wants to show his dad that he can be like him. He wants his dad to love him.

The fear portrayed here...wow. Sijaun, for he had a name then, saw Father's eyes flash to him next, and he wanted to back away, only his feet didn't seem to allow him. It's so realistic, and the fear makes me feel a little uneasy. It's like his feet are glued to the floor and he wants to escape, but he can't, because he loves his dad. And maybe he thinks that because it happened to his mum, it maybe should happen to him too. If that makes sense.

This is really sad. Suddenly there was an heavy, overwhelming feeling of nothingness, and it made him clutch at the hole in his chest, grasping for something long gone. It's just...the despair is so apparent, and the feeling is just so real and it's so upsetting. He's just been broken, and this is when Sijaun stops being Sijaun, and he starts to change into the monster. He becomes drained of all love and I think that he'd cry if he could.

This is really significant. The first time was not clear in his memory. He's not 100% sure on what happened, because he was still dealing with what had happened to him. He wanted a solution, and thought this was the way to deal. And because it didn't quite work, he tried again in the hope that it would work if he took it from somebody else. I think that this is his downfall - thinking that he can just steal a heart and he'll find his old self again.

The dialogue between the girl and Sijaun was just so...heartbreaking. "You want my heart, yes?" Sijaun's snarling jaw dropped as he nodded. The fact that hisjaw dropped implies that he wasn't expecting her to say that. All of his "victims" (if thats the right word to use), he's just taken them from. And she's just offered. He doesn't expect this, he expects people to be scared and plead with him. But she's so willing. It's really sad.

And he can't accept it. though for some reason he knew it was meant to be his, somehow, he did not, could not want to accept it. I think that the heart has finally given his conscience back. He knows that he's created others like him, and knows that he's damaged so many people in order to reach this stage. His conscience is eating away and him and he knows that he doesn't truly deserve it because he's eaten away at so many people and damaged lives.

The ending was actually really great! It definitely wasn't something I'd expect, and usually it would just seem so fucking stupid. But you executed it really well, and I think it was really effective. I thought it was good to end on a sort-of jokey bit, and I think it goes to show that a serious piece like this can have a bit of a silly ending like this and still work completely well. I'm seriously jealous of your epic writing skills! :tehe:

I'm sorry I don't have time to review the rest, but I'm so swamped with reviews right now. I read it all and it was really good. I really loved reading this, it was something different.

story/review

I'm sorry this took forever. I was having some issues like I said before and they kind of got in the way of my doing this. However, it's here now so I guess that doesn't matter anymore. Onward...

He is not tactless, like other monsters. Nor does he even look like one. But that does not make him any less cruel. Like other monsters, he is a predator, always raging, always hungry.I liked this part, a lot. It made me think of how cruel and heartless people can really be without even realizing it. The bolded area made me think that the most. It's like when you see a pediphile or something and you think "He doesn't look like he could do anything like that..." or when that person turns out to be your best friend and you say "but I knew him... he'd never do that" It just goes to show that people aren't always what they seem. Even when the harmful things they do seem so small... it doesn't make it any less cruel because the person looks nice. I thought it was neat how you put that there.

It's too late when they realize that the loss of their hearts have turned them into monsters too. This ties into the mentioning above. Gosh, I really think this has a huge underlying moral or something because everything is just too connected in my mind for there not to be. The line above made me think of how people change gradually. Example... when you go to school and one of your friend slowly drifts away and becomes one of the "popular" kids and it seems to happen so fast. One day they're the cool, funny friend you used to know and the next they're some person you don't recognize. And they don't realize it either. Like the line says. They don't realize they've changed until it's too late.

The reasoning behind the monster's acts is actually pretty sad. The way you described it was very... (and I hate to use this word because it is just so redundent, but I can't think of another...) blunt. It was like this happened and then this happened and then this happened. Just like that. But it wasn't in a bad way at all. If anything it added to the effect. You can't really make something like that sound all poetic and beautiful in pretty and romantic way. And if you did it might take away from the events you had written. This was was almost harsh... or it was harsh, actually and it worked.

Ahhh the girl. Gosh... I wasn't expecting that and at the same time, I was. The way she offered her heart made me wonder why. I guess some people could really be that nice, but I think any average person wouldn't do that at all. I think they would be too scared. But maybe she was just different. It could be that she was. Either way, I found it to be sweet.

This part didn't make sense to me. The girl, who'd been trying all the while to remain standing, closed his fingers around her gift of a heart and fell against him. The bolded part was what made it not make sense. I thought the "his" should be a "her" at first, but then when I read it over in my head with that change it didn't make sense because I don't think that she was holding her own heart. I wish I could pinpoint exactly what was wrong with it for me, but I can only give you that general area. If nothing seems wrong with it to you or if I had just misread the sentence somehow then I guess you should just leave it alone.

What I want to know after the end (which was sweet, by the way) was what happened to the monster? And did the girl die? However, I think it was nice to let the ending be up to the reader. So many different things could have occurred.

Nice work. I think I was only supposed to do the first chapter becuase the other ones seem to be short stories and the link you gave me went straught there.... so yeah. if I was supposed to do another chapter or something just let me know.

Story/Review Game;

I loved the beginning of this story, but it seemed liked there was something more to it, like it had to be read between in the lines, but when I first read it, the monster from Beowulf, Grendel came to mind :tehe: so just to let you know if I keep referring to that, you know at least what I'm talking about. But it was very intriguing.

"It's too late when they realize that the loss of their hearts have turned them into monsters too." - I really liked that line, because the monster is taking their hearts aways, which clearly paints the picture that heartless people are nothing more but monsters inside and out. And I liked how since he has taken other people's hearts away, they now want, feel and feed they way the monster does. They become what they don't want too and I liked that aspect.

"We cannot delve into this future without knowing the past." - The way you've written this is beautifully done, because I've never seen anything like this before and I like how you contradict yourself in this, it adds to the tone and it fits, you know?

Something was telling me that this monster was a person before he became something he wanted or maybe didn't, because people just don't turn into monsters overnight, and I was relieved when you got in depth into his background story.

"Sijaun hoped that the blackness in his chest would fill up, that somehow his heart would be restored, replaced, but as the ache intensified everyday, it soon dawned on him. The only solution to his problem."- his heart, :whoa: I didn't expect that at all. I could just picture this boy wanting to be normal and have a life of an average little boy who wanted nothing more but to make his family proud, and something like that had to happen. My eyes were literally glued to the computer screen, your words were gripping and I felt for this little boy. I didn't want him to turn into a monster, but I already knew his fate, which made it more emotional beautiful in my eyes.

The last part was bitter-sweet and it made me smile. So, I guess the monster did have a heart after all. The little girl didn't have name, but mainly a purpose to show Sijaun what it meant to have a real heart, but his monsterish qualities got in the way, which chose his fate :tehe:

Nice ending btw

Ho-ly shit. I have never read something like this. You definitely have a way with words, that much is obvious. The description is...ghastly is the best way to describe it. I was clutching my own chest and could feel the pain, that's how good it was. And then that last little paragraph literally stunned me. I literally threw my head back and laughed and said, "what?!" :XD Not that many stories can do this to me. Only one person did, and that's Chuck Palahniuk, which was what this reminded me of. Seriously, I've never read anything like that before. Ever. You've stunned me, so congratulations on that. :tehe:

Seriously, though, this was amazing. :cute: I think that's all I can say now 'cause you've left me speechless. I envy your writing skills.

Terrific. I cannot express how I felt when I read all of your stories. They are simply fascinating. They felt so real...I could even feel a wound in my heart starting to form.

I simply love your writing style.

Keep it going; I am glad I found your story on the forums.

Leave it to Isa to write something like this and then plaster to it
an italicized ending that blows away with its humor.
I didn't just enjoy that ending because it was funny in its morbid fashion,
but because it relieved the dreary, romantic atmosphere of the original ending
to this little saga.
But okay, let's rewind to the beginning, yeah?
There's no way I'm quoting anything here, because that would mean pressing
CTRL + A, CTRTL + C and then CTRL + V and to top it all off would come these two smileys:
:cheese: &&
I always get the urge to do that when your writing is in question.
& I'm failing to work on my oneshot now because this left too much of an
impression on me! Tsk, tsk, tsk.
the entire concept of cause and consequence was stunningly fresh here.
Usually such patterns turn out predictable & boring to say the least, but not here.
Of course.
You took something that could easily be interpreted as a metaphor, which it probably is,
and gave it that little something so it could affect the reader the way it, at least, affected me.
You didn't use any complex imagery or big words, yet managed to write a really
complex story. I dunno what else to say or how to say it.
But I'll be coming back to this story every now and then to remind myself of my own heart.

horsie890 showed me this, and i just want to start by saying that i know if she reccommends a story, it's definitely worth reading.

you gave me chills with this story. it was so absolutely beautiful and twisted. she's right too, you say so much more and you don't even have to overload us with detail.

it was hauntingly beautiful and just....amazing.

they're so raw and full of emotion that it's just...wow.

that's all i can say.

wow.

bravo!

First of all, I love the painting on the side there. I shall name it...Bob. :mrgreen:

Wow.

That was so...terrifying. You're the only person I know who says more with less detail.

...I loved your little ending there. Seriously. I laughed. Even though I probably shouldn't've.

^HAHA double contraction word.

[/amused by this]

I'm such a sucker for the morbid stuff, Isa. You know that. I mean, seriously. Antiveggie. XD

I'm off to read chapter dos now.

Wow, these are amazing. I've never found anything I could relate to more then these.

They are all so raw and real and that makes then so much better. Please keep writing like this, it's inspiring.

Oh man, Isa, that was horrific, but, in a good way. It was horrific because it felt *so* real, it was intense, gripping, jagged.
I loved how it was set up in short sharp sentences, it cut really deep.

For a monster was born, and a monster is living, and he has not yet died. - this part was just so, uh. The paradox, the 'monster' - it's still living.

The way the monster stalks its prey, and attaacks the innocent was just omg; it seems like such a cliche thing to do, a monster who attaacks people weaker than itself, but cliche's aside it was really powerful and emotive.

"It's yours." her complete submission to the monster was ludicrous! She surrendered without even a fight. The fact that her name was never mentioned makes it more mysterious and sinister, I like that.

It had been given, not taken; it was an offering, and not a stolen prize. Sijaun's realisation was really good, interesting, it sortof gives him more of a personality, more empathy. It was a good break from his malicious side.

Love the alternate ending :tehe:

This was brilliant, Isa, you should be very proud <33