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Uhm.... I'll just say that this was really weird. In a good way. I loved the repetition. That was cool... and i don't even know what to say. It was just creepy. But that's good. I'm just really at a loss for words. So I'll end this by saying: Job Well Done.

Well this was just wow. Absolutely terrific. In a way if sort of reminded me of Fight Club in the sense that this was absolutely pit-less. It was terrifying and yet it seemed perfectly normal. What I found so enthralling was the voice. Frank's voice, it was sort of like a young child who speaks what he's been preached. It was really haunting and gave the one shot such an edge to it, at that point I had this compulsion to read on, even if I was a little weary.

The total smack in the face had to be Page has a body. It’s six feet under the ground, after all the detailed and wonderful description that was really the last thing I had been expecting.

I also loved the contrast between Gerard and Page, how he has everything and she has nothing, but Frank goes to her, but he seems to have this total contempt for her and everything she is,. It's a really interesting concept and you did amazignly well with this one shot.

You have an amazing style of writing and I'm really looking forward to reading more of your stories.

Holy fuck. Holy holy holy fuck.

That sent fucking chills down my spine. I've yet to see any other story that'll make me feel like this one did. Holy God, the repetition and the concept and everything was just genius. Genius genius genius. It's sick sick sick, beautiful, perfect, just :cheese:

I think I'm gonna start ranting about this story more than a certain little person *cough*-points at post above-*cough*:tehe:

Kor... Holy shit, Kor.

Honestly? This is the one-shot I wish I had written.

Obviously I clicked on this link on the Pimping and Reccing thread, and I don't regret it. (Even though I'm trying not to read anything new so I can catch up on my reviews. ._________.) BUT, I just had to click on it when I saw the excerpt, partly because of the name Pagey, which is suddenly what I want to name my daughter if I ever decide to hate kids enough to have any. :] Before I'd actually read the excerpt, I thought Pagey might have been a he, which struck me as weird and actually even creepier... but okay, I'm rambling. Basically, I loved the excerpt and I loved the entire thing just as much. I WANT TO QUOTE IT ALL AND IT'S DRIVING ME ABSOLUTELY CRAZY.

The repetition and the... parallelism? (I pwned my Lit class XD) with the sentence structure being repeated as well as the words, was my absolute favorite aspect; I mean... it just created the best atmosphere, and it made Frank sound so deliciously fucked up. :] I wish I could write like this, and I'm not just saying that. The sentence structure was so simple it could have been a children's book in places, Pagey doesn’t have a dog or a boyfriend or a friend. She doesn’t have and apartment or a credit card or a license or a tab at some cheap alcoholics bar. Page has a car, but that’s at the bottom of Lake Erie, by now. Pagey doesn’t have pretty looks, long peroxide blonde hair or big fucking blue blue blue eyes, plump red lips that glimmer with lip gloss in the moonlight; Pagey doesn’t have any of that.

I want to be able to use simplicity to make things intense or powerful or creepy, but I can't. You can, though, and I'm completely spellbound. In this story, that contrast, the simple words and the complex subject matter, just adds to the perfect creepiness you created. "Pagey" sounds like a little kid's name, and with her whiny voice echoing throughout the chapter, you created the perfect image in my mind. The description of her, Pagey lived with us for two months. She had a smile that looked deformed and twisted, forced. She had a catcall voice that spoiled anyone’s appetite. She had eyes that made you feel like she was undressing you with. She had a body that was always freezing and bones that stuck out from every given angle possible. OHH MY GOD. This is why I'm convinced that you're a genius. :]]]]]]]

Next... let's see. (This is a really incoherent, jerky review, and I'm sorry. I feel like I usually do better, but bleh. :shifty) Umm... It scares me how easily Gerard can erase Page's life, since She doesn’t have stuff with her name on it and her clothes got burned up and her cigarettes got smoked. She doesn’t have registration for her car, health insurance; Pagey doesn’t have any of it.

And OH, that reminds me, repeating her name over and over was genius. :] It's obvious that she's burned into Frankie's mind; that no matter how easily Gerard can get rid of her, Frank won't be able to forget.

Switching between I and you for Frank was amazing too; he's fucked up and I love it. :]

Lastly, I LOVED LOVED LOVED the whole ending. Pagey had a shriek. It's kind of darkly humourous that you spend the whole chapter describing what she has and doesn't have in terms of material possessions, and then looks, and now you do the same thing with her death.

The last few lines sound like the end of a ghost story, which, in some ways, this is. Pagey resting in peace while Frankie has to pay, when the whole thing is Gerard's fault. Yet, at the same time, it's obvious that Frankie let this happen, Frankie never did anything to help her, and so maybe he deserves it after all...

It's interesting. [:

Maybe I can't convince you, but I wish I could... Seriously, Kor, you are ridiculously talented.

P.S. ANDDD, you mentioned Lake Erie which is cool 'cos I live in Michigan and I totally own all of the Great Lakes. :mrgreen:

I decided to comment on this now, ‘cause I knew if I procrastinated and left it that it probably wouldn’t get done.

I loved the repetition. It drills the situation into my mind, and makes it spooky almost as if it’s a broken record. And that’s the feeling that I got; it’s almost as if Frank’s broken. The narration isn’t conventional in the sense that it kind of jumps around between different characters and focuses more on them and their personalities and their lives, rather than detailing events and actions. It works well that way.

It’s almost as if the characters are the events and the actions; because Page and everything about her and her life and her relationship with Frank makes her easier to dispose of. That sounds really bad and blunt when put like that, but as it was said in the first paragraph; Pagey doesn’t have a family, so we’re okay. She was an easy target because there wasn’t anything material left behind to show she’d ever existed. The only things left are Frank’s thoughts and his memories of her. And the way he narrates it makes it apparent that it’s been playing on his mind and eating away at him.

I liked the contrast between the paragraphs about Frank and Gerard and Page. It shows that everything they had and took for granted, she was missing out on. They had family, she didn’t. They had people who would miss her, she didn’t.

Also, the way Frank refers to himself in second person as “you,” it seems as though he’s talking to himself. As though the whole situation has made him crazy with guilt. And I thought that worked well; it showed that most people wouldn’t notice she was gone, but he would never be able to forget. The little snippets of her dialogue in italics helped to emphasize that, because even though she’s dead, he’s still hearing her voice in his thoughts as it haunts him, and he’s still dreaming about her.

It was really well done. I've noticed you're talented at writing horror-themed kind of stories.
And I hope this comment was more than just me rambling. :shifty

Slightly creepy. What I found creepiest was the dead dead dead, blue blue blue bits. I almost imagined it being told as a poem.

Nice

<3

wow that was creepy. pagey is the creepy one. . gerard killed her because she like frankie. . great one shot.