August 8th, 2008 at 08:34am
Loved every word.
A Price - Comments
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I love this, it's tragically beautiful. I wish there was more to come, tehe.
Loved every word. August 5th, 2008 at 12:18am -
Okay, wow.
That was amazing. I'm actually speachless on how fantastic this was.
Like above, it really did give me the chills! In a good way.
Awesome awesome awesome Job! :arms:July 24th, 2008 at 10:11am -
Wow. That was amazing. The story gave me chills.
Did you have any major inspiration for this story or did you just piece it together on your own?
That was really good. July 24th, 2008 at 09:11am
I like that you were able to fit so many, well, details about the characters and situation I guess you could say, into the one short story. To me, it came across as though they’d been in a car accident; what with the mention of the highway and Gerard bleeding.
The beginning, with Frank talking to him and asking questions made me think that they’d been there for a while; just the way that Frank seemed almost calm on the outside as though the initial shock had gone and he’d then gotten down to business, doing all he could to try and save Gerard. It struck me as sweet that he stayed with him, and was determined to stay by his side.
“Gerard, honey, you’ll be fine. You hear me? Everything will be fine, just stay awake. I love you, okay? Just stay awake.” My voice broke towards the end.
The addition of the sentence to the end of that piece of dialogue shows that Frank doesn’t really believe it deep down. He wants to believe it, but he knows that Gerard’s dying and it seems as though he’s trying to convince himself as much as he is Gerard. And I could imagine the desperation he must have been feeling.
I saw the pain in his eyes as he spoke, and it broke my heart into sharp, bloody pieces.
I liked the description towards the end of this sentence. The use of the word ‘sharp’ made me think of the kind of quick uneasy feeling you can feel in your stomach when something startles you…and also, it conveyed the emotional pain that Frank was feeling. He wasn’t the one in physical pain, but it was almost as though he was sharing the pain that Gerard was going through. And that emphasised how close they were, and how much they loved each other.
“You’ll be okay, and I’ll be right here.” Helpless.
I loved the way you put that one word straight after the dialogue. It had a great impact, showing that Frank felt at a loss of what to do in order to save him, but wanted to try and stay positive.
I felt that the Grim Reaper’s presence could have been made more frightening. It seemed plainly described, and all I got from that was the kind of stereotypical way of how it’s supposed to look. Which isn’t so much a bad thing, but I felt you could have elaborated. I did like how it’s voice seemed so unhuman and grand though. It helped to make it seem intimidating.
My heart stopped as I saw my reflection in his eyes.
I liked that this sentence was limited with what it revealed; it suggests something terrible, but never plainly says what Frank looks like, but from the previous exchange between the Grim Reaper and Frank, and him remembering that one sentence…I can already come to the conclusion of what happened, and imagine what he looks like for myself, which worked nicely.
Gerard was my first victim.
And that was a really powerful ending sentence. It elludes to what happened after that event, whilst also being saddening as well.
Overall, I thought it was well done.