The Youth - Comments

Wow this is an amazing story,
I love the details and Chris's is character is very well developed. I really love the parrels you drew in the lastest chapter.
I'm afraid I am not very good at comments.

when will this be published?

Now, I don't have the ability to leave such great reviews like the ones left by Lonna Lullaby and Dru, but I will say that I love this story. I loved the repetition, and the flashbacks that filled in parts of the story.
There were a few grammatical mistakes, but only teeny ones.
Otherwise, this is absolutely fantastic. You've got a lot of talent, and when you've finished this story go and get it published. Because I would buy it.

Now then for your second review.

I think I preferred this to the other one I reviewed, but that's not really relevant :shifty

I like the over all flow of this, as well as the general plot. It's somewhat addictive.
I'm pretty much in love with your characters- you pulled them off brilliantly well.

As the story progressed I found myself wanting more each time. You're a true master at getting people addicted :tehe: Your stories are like a drug.

I'm trying to find something you could work on, but there's nothing :cheese:

You're an amazing writer
Who should receive more recognition for her work

Over all, jolly good show m'dear :tehe:

I like the idea. It's diffferent, usually when you're on mibba it's the same cheese over again.
Even just going through fiction books this is an idea that doesn't get used so much, but is so very possible, it' spooky.

I told you I was going to read it and I did :) I feel your pain when it comes to dissapearing readers, and commentors. I think a grand total of two people commented the last story I updated and that's MCR slash. So yes, I will comment this story, but it will probably be an uber teeny comment because unless I am being forced to do it, I can't comment like a good...person XD But I really am liking this story. Its the kind of story that I would like to curl up in my bed and read. I really hope you update because I am like addicted. I can't even explain WHY i like it because it is just THAT good. It has a bit of a Clockwork Orange feel, with a tang of Catcher in the Rye with something original that spices it up. Fuck I am falling for this story. You have a new fan.

Chapter One.
It flowed really well. I was slightly confused about the italics because everything seemed to be happening in the same time frame, but it still didn't hinder the flow.

The fear is emanating from the page in this one, Christopher's fear. And I'm really interested in find out what the dice me.

Chapter Two.
I'm going out to look for food now. I'm the eldest. I have a responsibility to look after everyone. I'm the eldest; hardly a child anymore.
Normally the repetition of "I'm the eldest" so close the previous would have made me wince a little, but with the added "hardly a child anymore" it really stood out as a very important part.

"Bad cat... don't do that... Bad cat..." I'm quiet, whispering, pleading with my eyes and hands. The fat bastard doesn't understand. It thinks it's a game.
I know why this is said, but you didn't tell the reader flat-out. I really like that. I appreciate it when a writer doesn't assume that everyone reading the story is somewhat stupid and needs everything spelled out for them.

"As long as he makes it through the night." She answers. That's my Angel.
We all have to take it one day at a time.
This is ... really beautiful in the way that it sort of isn't. The last line could be cliche, but it's not because it's simply reinforcing and explaining what Angel said. It's explaining why she said it and the sort of... mentality(?) of the gorup.

Chapter Three.
Family is a thing of the past, irradicated about forty years ago to be exact, when the new regime came in.
This shows the careful and patient progression of the story. We know all these things are happening, but we aren't sure exactly what and we don't know what it means. This is why people will keep reading. Because you're drawing them in with tantalizing hits. I mean, obviously it worked for me. I usually only read one chapter for the Story/Review game.

Another mouth to feed. Another unuseful, unhelpful, uneverything kid to feed. Worthless goods bought at a harsh cost... but I'm glad to have him. Another kid is another, tiny little bit of hope.
I love the contrast here. I'm not sure if the first part is Christopher thinking or if it's what everyone else in the world thinks and he's sort of regurgitating it. And the last part, once again, is a hint. They need hope. But from what? We know something bad is going on, but what is it?

Chapter Four.
I like how the last three chapters all start with an introduction to a character, including a name, but all in a different way. It's very interesting. I'm assuming it won't do that forever, but these are the introductory chapters to their world and I like the way it's done.

It was her pretty, blonde hair that killed them in the end.
Now I really want to know that story. You're a tantalizing storyteller.

Angel smelt like plums. Angel always smelt like plums.
That's interesting. It's a bit of consistency to the story and it's almost light-hearted. Although it could be twisted later on to be completely terrible.

The description and narration in this story are spot on for the type it is. As I said before, you are a tantalizing storyteller.

I can't believe how much your writing style has come on in the last few years.
I think you need to establish the characters more in the next few chapters, but so far it's awesome, sweetie!
Seriously, if it was a book, I'd definately buy it

I like this already. Interesting idea; it's like the government gone crazy. Which is bound to happen someday anyway. I just hope it won't get THIS bad. As if doctors weren't scary enough already. O.o

The smallest, the littlest, the youngest and I'm the biggest, the strongest, the eldest. It's my job to keep him safe.

I really like the style of your writing, and how you word it so that it's read the way it should be said. If that makes any sense. It's realistic.
And this is a crazy but awesomely creative storyline. I think it has a lot of potential; you'll just need to keep putting up chapters so we the readers can get more the the way it's gonna develop.
It's cool that we can't all predict it from the get-go though.

i really like it, definetly in my vein of interests and work.
well written, suspenseful, and on top narration.

"The Youth"

The Game
"My hand is shaking. Please, dear God, please don't make me roll. Slowly, I rattle the dice in my clenched fist. Like the rattling of the teeth inside the skull we found. That will be me next."

I love the emotion Christopher has throughout the first chapter and it's kind of scary when he gets deeper into his thoughts. I like how when he gets nervous he thinks of the periodic table. How you've began the story was clever, making the reading want to know more as to where was he and what's going on.

"I was seven, and too frightened to move. He was too clean... too white. I'd come to associate those crisp, clean, white coats with pain."

That raw feeling felt morbid and it was just beautiful as he aw the man, not as a man, but something so worse. The game "snakes and ladders" seems really fun.

The Food Run.
I like that you started the second chapter like this instead of the first. Not something you see in stories, but I liked it.

"It's dark outside. Almost pitch black except for the few stars staring back at the Earth through little, cloudless pockets."

Having the future become a dark place fitted this well. Like, children are the future and the answer to everything. The narration had a sick smooth flow that was beautiful and it made me believe what Chris was really saying. That's pure talent to make a reader think that, in my opinion.

"We all have to take it one day at a time."

What a way to end this.

I'm sitting across from the man I hoped never to see again.

That opening sentence was strong. Straight away, there’s a feeling of tension present between the characters, and I was instantly curious about the situation. And I thought the flashback was interesting. The words coming out of the doctor’s mouth are pleasant enough (what with how he asks to be given a nickname, which is less formal), but the way he behaves is sinister. And this line, "We're going to have lots of fun." would seem innocent, but the atmosphere created makes it menacing. Even more so, given the contrast between the words and the underlying meaning behind them.

Reading on, the doctor character is sadistic in characterization…with the way he smirks and enjoys Christopher’s fear.

won't play his sadistic games. I won't. I won't. Christopher sounds almost like a young child in these three sentences, a child throwing a tantrum because they aren’t getting their way. And the repetition of “I won’t” makes him seem all the more vulnerable. As if he’s really trying to convince himself that he won’t play the games.

I’m wondering if Christopher has OCD, because the repetitive patterns of the ceiling tiles and the elements of the periodic table seem symptomatic of that. That addition helped to emphasize how scared he really was and how he was determined not to give in. I also like that the repetition was an ongoing thing; that it didn’t just come in for a bit and disappear. It helped to establish character.

Slowly, I rattle the dice in my clenched fist. Like the rattling of the teeth inside the skull we found. I liked how these two sentences fitted with each other. When put together, him shaking the dice is all the more dark and foreboding because of the comparison with the skull, which relates to death. I’m also wondering who Christopher means when he refers to ‘they.’

I can hear them hit the table, loud and slow. Just like a heartbeat.

BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG. As I was visualizing this part, I could imagine it being part of a movie and there being the loud beat of a heart as a sound effect dubbed over the scene. It makes it really suspenseful and it’s clear that there’s a lot riding on whatever the outcome of rolling the dice is. And obviously, snake eyes is a bad omen, and not the result hoped for.

There’s something I thought I’d point out. It’s really really small but anyway; He takes my right arm from the chair I had been making deep, scratches in. The comma after ‘deep’ isn’t needed. It breaks the flow of the sentence.

There are still a lot of questions to be answered. I like that you’ve created intrigue. And I thought you did a fantastic job building suspense.

You're quite right about sending this to the publishers - I'd definitely buy this. I couldn't really find anything I didn't like, but I did like your descriptions - they really created images in my mind.
It kind of reminded me a bit like The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, how the main character (also called Christopher) likes patterns and things - but that shouldn't put you off, it's barely noticeable