October 19th, 2008 at 06:04am
Long Live the Car Crash Hearts - Comments
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-tackles- GAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! I MUST HAVE MORE!!!!September 16th, 2008 at 11:38pm
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Alright, darling.
Here's how it goes.
Just a few grammar and writing tips.
When you write, make sure you separate each paragraph.
It keeps you out of trouble on this site.
We don't want you banned now, do we?
So instead of:
I heavily sighed as a slowed to a stop at a stop sign. I put my head down on the steering wheel and squeezed my eyes shut for a brief moment before looking up and hitting the gas again. I heard my phone ring.
“So long live the car crash hearts- Cry on the couch where the poets come to life. Fix me in 45. So long-”
“Hello?” I asked sleepily.
“Jake, where are you? You said you’d be home an hour ago, it’s like 1:30 dude,” my room mate Roger blurted anxiously.
“I’m on my way. Is Nickie still there?” I asked trying to keep my eyelids from sliding shut.
“No she left like a half an hour ago,” he stated a little uneasily.
“Well, don’t worry I’ll be there in less than 15 minutes,” I assured barley waiting for an answer before snapping my phone shut and slightly chucking it so it fell on the passenger’s seat. I saw headlights ahead of me on the road and squinted. ‘Huh, looks like I’m not the only crazy person out at fucking 1:30 a.m.’ the car came closer and I noticed it was swerving. I realized at the last second that our cars were about to collide and I threw my hands up in front of my face.
It would be:
I heavily sighed as a slowed to a stop at a stop sign. I put my head down on the steering wheel and squeezed my eyes shut for a brief moment before looking up and hitting the gas again. I heard my phone ring, “So long live the car crash hearts- Cry on the couch where the poets come to life. Fix me in 45. So long-”
“Hello?” I asked sleepily.
“Jake, where are you? You said you’d be home an hour ago, it’s like 1:30 dude,” my room mate Roger blurted anxiously.
“I’m on my way. Is Nickie still there?” I asked trying to keep my eyelids from sliding shut.
“No she left like a half an hour ago,” he stated a little uneasily.
“Well, don’t worry I’ll be there in less than 15 minutes,” I assured barley waiting for an answer before snapping my phone shut and slightly chucking it so it fell on the passenger’s seat. I saw headlights ahead of me on the road and squinted. ‘Huh, looks like I’m not the only crazy person out at fucking 1:30 a.m.’ the car came closer and I noticed it was swerving. I realized at the last second that our cars were about to collide and I threw my hands up in front of my face.
There were just a few grammar mistakes that are easily fixable if you watch for them. Mainly just a few missing commas and whatnot.
There was one section that really made me laugh.
“I just want him to wake up…just so I can hear his voice,” Spencer cried.
“You’re a fag,” I heard Brendon say normally.
That was so perfect.
=]
All in all, I enjoy it.
Keep writing, sugar.August 5th, 2008 at 09:04pm
=D
You did very well with it, too, I might add.
I'm hungry for more... So if you please. xD