Coffee - Comments

Hello, I saw that you won the murder contest with this entry and murder and I mix well, so I checked it out. Oh wow, this story was like wow. I was awestricken; you’ve done the perfect job of creating a sociopath. The narrator is a creep to say the least. Not many people go outside and think it might be fun to kill someone today.

First off, the title is so interesting. It makes me think to the black and white stories of the detective and how they would have coffee breaks. It adds a real noir feeling, however as I read, everything snapped back into color, with a lot of red.

So the narrator is talking about a man who went on a rampage and killed four. He is talking to the reader, which is very interesting. I mean, it’s a whole new degree of interaction.

I love the murder details. The man is a sociopath and then he comes in to this house in which the woman opened the door and greeted him. It’s so creepy because there are people like that. They just knock on the door and kill you and/or your family. Thanks for making me even more paranoid. I love the part where the narrator compares the woman calling 911 to the TV shows. It does make a lot of sense to me. Every time I watch those shows, I think to myself, “Why does the criminal sometimes watch as the victim calls 911?” The narrator’s reaction is the normal one. What I found creepy was how he though this was all like a game. He started screaming because it was fun…it’s the perfect sociopath. And the crunch of the head on the marble floor, wow.

Baby's still crying. On the marble. Down. Cupboards. Tool kit! I love the sound of a hammer.

SMASH FUCKING SMASH.

What a mess. Baby brains do not a kitchen decoration make.

Kinda reminded me of something, though. Fireworks. God, November 5th's ages away...

Oh ugh, I was both disgusted and thrilled to see I’m not the only one around that writes very strange and gore stories. Baby brains, that’s just so gross. It just shows you how pervert and twisted this man is. The sentence is worded strangely, I’m not sure if that’s intentional or an error. Then, we seem to have a reference to Guy Fawkes’ day and November the 5th. I found that really interesting.

Picture the scene. You've been fighting, and in that time, a man's broken into your house, knocked out your mum and played percussion with your kid sister, and you don't notice?
Bedroom. Kids fighting. Getting their attention was easier then I thought. Screams stop.

Whoa, just whoa. That’s so scary. I mean, it can happen and to not notice. It just kind of shows how innocent kids are, I mean they’re still upstairs, oblivious to the Hell that was downstairs. I love the gore you use to describe the death of the children. It was certainly bloody.

Then the woman is not really dead, she was still breathing. Well, not for long. Our narrator quickly takes care of her. So many kitchen knife protruding out of her, it’s like the 1976 version of Carrie.

And then he has the decency of making conversation and being the perfect gentleman. Wow, well let me tell you. You’ve created an extremely creepy sociopath. He reminds me a lot of Dennis Rader, a killer from Wichita, Kansas. He killed ten people and yet he was the perfect family guy. Just like your guy, he’s crazy yet civilized for making conversation and appearing normal.

You’ve created the perfect sociopath. This man had fun killing his victims and was all calm. He showed no remorse for killing an entire family. It’s just so vicious and awful to know that people like this unfortunately do exist. This is a cool story and this review is no match for this story. I’ll never forget the review you gave me once. You deserved to win that contest.

I really liked it!:cute:

Like , omg , I saw Coffee and I was like , omg , where's Gerard Way , omg , I'm disappointed omg.

KIDDING.

Darn it Mel , that was so good. If I didn't know any better , I would've assumed it was a true story :mrgreen:

...wait.

I don't know any better :shock:

Oh my god. That was amazing.

o___0

That was so awesome.

The fact you just had the actions and thoughts flowing like they did. One thought to another, mind quickly connecting certain phrases and unfolding. Brilliant.

that was pretty cool. i dont know how to explain it but it was enjoyable? Yeah hearing discriptions of a person killing people was enjoyable. well not the killing part but how it all came together. nice work :D

Uhm... OH MY GOSH. :cheese: This story suits my mood perfectly!!! :tehe:

I gotta say, Sheep. At the beginning I was a little confused as to what was going on but by the time I'd read it all my jaw was in my lap. That was scary and amazing

You don't wanna know about my day, seriously. No seriously. I loved that opening, it immediatly made it sound like a threat to the reader. I almost clicked off, whimpering :tehe:. But your writing was too muh of a lure.

Heh. Your funeral pal/ :cheese: This just made the perfect opening to a story! LIKE ZEDOHEMGEE!!ONEONE!!11!! :tehe: How come you can write more than one perfect ending? :grr: :tehe:

I have to say, after you said all about it I thought that the line above it would have made the perfect opening and you could have left it as the last line before describing the story. But that's just my opinion which counts for nothing so :tehe: It's still amazing though!

Questions, questions. What went through his mind? What was it like? Horrible? Euphoric? Must've been some kind of reason for that. Senseless killing. Motiveless. Out of the blue.

Blue sky, as well. Lovely weather we're having, isn't it? :lmfao :lmfao :lmfao That is officially the best insight into a murderers mind, ever. That was a sort of scary humour that made me chuckle nervously and clear my throat. Speaking of which, you don't know my address or anything do you? -Is scared- :tehe: It was an awesome line, and just gave you the perfect jumbled look into the killer's mind. It was scarily awesome. Again. :tehe: :arms:

Backwards, backwards. Kitchen. Perfect. Woman still screaming. Other kids rattling around upstairs. I was reading this still with wide eyes and dropped jaw like "Ooh what's he going to do next?" and then the kids part caught my eye. What? He's done this before? You added it in so subtly that the reader feels uncertain and nervous more so because it's not like this guy has lost it all of a sudden, he's been scary for quite a while. Especially if the kids are making a racket upstairs suggesting they've gotten over the initial shock of being kidnapped which would take a while. He must have been psycho a while :shock: You've created the perfect scary character :arms: I wish I could create a creepy killer/kidnapper/psycho :lmfao

Makes you lose your faith in humanity, really. Heh heh :tehe: Ironic that the innocent person makes him lose his faith in humanity rather than himself, the murderer. You've really given him individual thoughts that you can just imagine him thinking to himself. What's the harm in doing it and everything! I've never heard of a killer described like that other than in renowned published novels. Which this deserves to be. It's incredible :cute: :arms:

SMASH FUCKING SMASH. :shock: I do stuff like that. You've given him everyday human traits. When I get angry, I say "Fucking" between words. (Ha fucking ha.) So you reminded me of me! I don't want to be a mass murderer :tehe:

Kinda reminded me of something, though. Fireworks. The way he's so casually thinking this :lmfao :lmfao It's awesome. You've made him seem like an everyday psycho :lmfao

. 'Course, chisel through a ribcage starts the screaming again. Punctured aorta or whatever it's called and blood like a waterfall splashes down on the other kid. They're really screaming now. High pitched horror that grates on your ears. Chisel down the other's throat. So much more effective than a harsh word and clamping hand. The other kid's still spluttering. Fucking annoying noise. Sorry I posted it all :tehe: But this was officially my favourite part of the story. The description is just :cheese: It's like a horror movie. It's just :crazy: :cheese: :omfg: :shock: I loved it. Truly, Sheep I thought/think it's fantastic. :cute:

...So how was yours? :shock: And back to polite man in a coffee shop. That was insanely creepy but amazing at the same time. Possibly my favourite story by you. One of my favourite stories on mibba anyway :cute: I loved it.

Sorry about the crap review :tehe: :arms:

EDIT: 14/8/8 SHEEP! I USED 40 SMILEYS! 41 =D

Wow, I just clicked on that because often if something has no comments it means it's good, and I wasn't dissapointed. It's not often you find something so well written, really just breaks away from the normal stuff.
Anyway, I thought it was great!

O_O
Wow.
That was oddly disturbing ... but in a good way, if that makes sense.
I've never really known anyone write something so twisted so freely, so casual, like you were actually just letting your mind wander and tell someone about your day.

I really didn't expect to read that when i saw the title ... way to change perceptions.

You have an awesome style, free writing is obviously your strong point.
Like a strong cup of black coffee.