August 29th, 2008 at 02:47am
I'm soo sorry I haven't commented this by now. I should have. :arms: And I had started to a little while ago, but my computer decided to shut itself down in the middle of my comment, so this one won't be nearly as good. Still, you deserve one. :] [And, of course, I've already read it before, but this is as if I didn't know what was going to happen.]
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I really love the layout. It really matches the story, and gives the reader an idea of the topic. I really have a hard time finding layouts to match. And the summary is great too. Sums it up real nicely, which is also something I have trouble coming up with.
Really nice dialogue. Most of it seems so real, like you can imagine people saying and doing those things in that situation. Being able to pull off reality is a very great accomplishment, at least in my book.
“How else should I do it? Do you want me to get high off of life?” He snorted.
That actually made me laugh, though in a sad way. Dry humor. I love it. And I like the fact that he asks if she let someone into the room, although we know that they're alone in it. Gives the reader the feel that he's paranoid or imagining things, which is a good back up for the whole drug thing. A little hinted detail there that most people wouldn't even catch when reading quickly through it.
And then she's winking at him, hinting at something a little sexual, and it makes the reader wonder where this is going. It makes me wonder what he thought she had meant, since it wasn't what she actually intended that went through his mind. Was he really that innocent? Could he have thought she meant anything other than sex?
For some reason, his giggle as she revved the engine reminded me again of him being on drugs, because it seemed kind of random. Not sure if that's what you were going for.
And then we find out that she's twenty-one, and from the innuendo earlier, we're sure it's very wrong now. She's much too old for him. That little feeling of wrong, and wondering what's going to happen is itching at me. And now she's contrasted to him greatly. He's going nowhere with drugs, and she has a bright future. And now we have a name. Emma. [I like that name..hehe]
He's smoking, but now he's scared of her, which says a lot. And poor Danny doesn't know what's coming next. She's too close, though. Much too close. And now his innocence, what was left of it, is gone.
And I like how you keep contrasting them so much. Showing exactly how different they were; exactly how much he didn't want it. It really adds feeling to it. And then he's left alone, completely torn apart by what just happened. Completely lost in the chaos of the event. And it makes the reader feel so bad for him. He was taken advantage of, raped even. So very wrong.
And then, BOOM. The reader finds out they're cousins, and the level of wrong is just so beyond expectation. His cousin. Did that to him. Shocking. A great twist right there. I like how the reader doesn't find out until very late in it. Makes us focus on the other aspects, the other details that just seem wrong, before you get the big thing. Love it.
And then, right after, we find out that she does drugs, too. The whole way through, you would've figured she didn't because it seemed like she was trying to save him. But she does. Another shocking twist.
The rest of the story is the most shocking of all, though. A series of events you wouldn't have thought would happen. It's almost like he's going insane, with the drugs, and the rape, and just all of it.
He stabs her; takes away her life. And then we find out that she was going to change. She was going to be better, and so was he. But he ended it all. Just...wow.
This story amazes me. The twist of events is wonderful and gripping. It's nothing like the reader would expect. Amazing. Nicely written, with good detail. Overall, very well done. :]
I LOVE IT