March 19th, 2009 at 04:40am
First chapter:
"I had just ran away from home." I actually want to inquire on whether run is correct grammar or not, because I believe I learned that 'I had just run' was proper. I could be wrong, though, lol.
Overall I think the first chapter is a spiffing introduction. The conclusion to the chapter leaves a bit of wanting more with the reader as well as vocally portraying a teenager's, or maybe just young woman's voice.
Second Chapter:
""Wake up," someone hissed. "You're going to be late."
I jolted out of a sleep-like stupor, which was all I could seem to sink into around here.
The Piccadilly Family Circus and Carnival wasn't exactly what you would call accommodating."
This is really well written and it moves me slightly for what it is worth but at the same time I do not think accommodating needs to be italicized (which it was in the text). The effect is not prolonged, or I did not receive it specially with the italics, and they seemed unnecessary.
I rather enjoy the descriptive hierarchy highlighted in the writing, and it does well to give a basic structure to the characters, making it possible for vaguely described characters to be a bit more "known" while still being flat.
Parts like this "Oh. That might be another reason they don't like me. I'm sort of harshly sarcastic." and "Trust me, elephant clean-up is not fun. I know this from experience." come off as very unnecessary. I can assure you most people do not doubt elephant clean-up is hard work and rather appalling in general, and without explaining the reader can already tell the protagonist is harshly sarcastic. It brings to mind the phrase 'show, do not tell.'
What I really like about this chapter is how you describe the independent departure from her family as free-falling, making it a feeling that readers can either think enjoyable or scary or multiple feelings of both kinds. It grabs a part that almost everyone has inside of them and makes them feel related to the story.
Third Chapter: ""What do you think you're doing?" a voice barked as I lugged open the door to the shed where the shovel and other supplies were." Why is the dialogue in this line italicized? I have a feeling you use italics more loosely than you ought to, because using it so much takes away a bit from the emphasis it actually makes when it is so frequent. The voice barking seems just as hard, accentuating and piercing without italics.
In this chapter, your description is ace. I think it does well to let you know just enough physical characteristics of new characters or freshly introduced characters. This has to be my favourite line in all of the chapters so far- " It took me a second to realize that I'd just described this man as a giant piece of candy."
Fourth Chapter: I really have no critique for this chapter at all. I think the character development between the protagonist and the elephant acrobat, as well as her mysterious 'Freak' mate is extremely well-done.
Fifth Chapter: Big fan of this line: "He narrowed his eyes to impossible slits and I was slightly afraid."
Part of what catches me about your writing is your on-and-off style of describing the characters. While a lot of times description seems unnecessary to me and can be dropped in favour of plot development or action, I enjoy imagining the characters. Perhaps, though, you could put more effort in to the scenery, as well. I have trouble really imagining where they are- as if everything sans the shed is a void.
However, Ravi's introduction seems more like a breach of character than anything. He seems more like he would wait for someone to ask for his name than willingly hand it out to someone he apparently shows little interest in. Of course, you know your characters better than I do, and I could easily be perceiving wrong, but part of writing is getting you in to the character's minds a bit without blatantly saying so.
"The elephant Ravi knocked the human Ravi over, I mean. Not the other way around.
" This seems pretty unnecessary. Not just the italics, the entire phrase- what are the chances human Ravi knocked over elephant Ravi with the butt of his trunk?
Altogether, I am sincerely interested in reading this story. I have work to do, haha, so it will probably take me longer than planned, but I hope to have it all read soon. Compliments to you regarding your perseverance in writing so many chapters, especially, and I hope it only gets better.
cal and ivy would always have a place in my memory.
i don't come acroass a story about a fire bender and a girl running away from home very frequently;
so this story was a unique bite out of an otherwise mundane cookie.
it was great while it was there;
and i'm sad to see that this story has ended.
but you are a great author;
and i hope to read more amazing stories from you. :D
<3!