December 7th, 2008 at 03:09pm
I loved this! Normally I don't read slash, but I thought I'd give this a go. And I'm very glad I did.
The beautiful language that you used leaves me in awe. Honestly, I wish I could use words like that. It just really fit with the theme of the story and everything. Instead of making it some stupid porno slash, you managed to make it beautiful, which I don't find that often on here.
Their messy heartbeats tangled like corrupted drums and the burning fumes of every imprint of every memory bound to crumple with the images of their faces; paper faces forgotten through the night and torn and shredded by the morning with their inky details running in black streaks out of every hole in their bodies; bleeding through noses, dissolving through air and growing cold with separation. I loved the paragraphs like these. Just the beautiful words and the image they paint... wow.
This was never meant to happen. But like every mistake it did. It happened just for the sake of it. They weren't lonely; they didn't need to do it; they just did it for the sake of doing it. No reason at all. You know, that paragraph really shouldn't have made sense to me, but it did XD. You managed to explain that in a way that's complicated yet simple to understand. Great job.
But when you slip in a deep ditch, you only wake up and realize where you're at with either a broken back or a cracked neck. With some big bang and cheap glitter to end up the parade and drag your sorry ass back to reality. Beautiful. I could totally relate to that :)
The conversation between the two really... worked. You know, usually it's boom, flash, then sex. But you managed to make it believeable. Instead of it being a random thing that just happens there was a reason behind the whole thing, which I applaude you for.
They've done it. Fucked things up with a total stranger just for the sake of it. Diving off a cliff just to taste the bits of your own tongue shredded by what's left of your teeth and the taste of acrid rust plunging to the back of your mouth. I really liked this, it's hard to explain why though.
"Exactly." Pete's smile widen as he takes the older man's hand and wraps it around himself.
This was a huge mistake. And he'd never change it for the world. Beautiful ending line, it just summed up the whole theme of the story.
Awesomely, I can't think of any crit to give. Keep on writing :)
Beautiful personification, and just at the beginning!
Just a one-shot thing where faces are memories and names are needless given or not; just bring your body and loneliness and you're all set.
But leave your heart at home. Because it's as needless as your name.
Man, do I adore is. Especially the heart line. It describes the situation so perfect. They almost sound like... song lyrics.
And they're burning up this room.
They're not making any sound in their skulls but still it's spreading like wildfire.
There are embers in your words, igniting the page. It just comes alive for me.
Their messy heartbeats tangled like corrupted drums and the burning fumes of every imprint of every memory bound to crumple with the images of their faces; paper faces forgotten through the night and torn and shredded by the morning with their inky details running in black streaks out of every hole in their bodies; bleeding through noses, dissolving through air and growing cold with separation.
This can be like, Hitler/The Elephant Man and I'd still read it. That's how beautiful this is and how awestruck you've made me. That phrase just made me glad I chose this over the Ryden. I think your biggest strength lies not in your characterization, but your descriptions.
painted on like everyone else's. He even added a handshake to the mix. For a better first impression, that's what they say.
Lovely mix and contrast of wording.
"Wanna fuck this up?" The boy with the bedroom browns smiled, holding onto the tips of the other boy's fingers grasping every bit of coldness that clung to his skin. "We should... it'd be so much fun..."
"Fuck what up?" A side of his paper mask tore as he cocked an eyebrow in response.
"This." His smile doesn't change.
"What for?"
"To do something only we could do." Pete's smile is burning caves and bats into his eyes as he follows the boy without a word.
Go let loose. It's not often that you fuck up when you want to.
I do adore this little exchange. It sums up the fic. You always seem to have that; that little part of the story that subliminally sums it all up.
diving off a cliff just to taste the bits of your own tongue shredded by what's left of your teeth
It's more than poetic. Poems can be read; but lyrics can be sung. These deserve to be immortalized in song.
This was a huge mistake. And he'd never change it for the world.
We all know Perard would make a power couple:tehe:
Another masterpiece among your others, Fatma. You never waver in your talent.