Asphyxiated - Comments

Thank you for entering this into my competition.

First off, I would like to congratulate you on the amount of emotion you added into this piece
It was amazing.

My favorite two paragraphs have to be:

It reminded her of what she was like a couple of years ago – just watching him, as he was unaware of her fixation. She’d seen him almost every day for four years and every second in his presence was like a drug. It was dangerous, but she couldn’t get enough of it. Every day that she was at school was like her own personal torture – not for the usual reasons of teachers and schoolwork, but him. Every time she’d had to sit across from him in Math, Physics or any of the other many lessons they shared was a pleasure/pain thing – she loved his entrancing company, but each person that captured his attention more than she did was another arrow to her heart. She begrudged him for making her resent her best friend, simply because she spent more time with him than she was ever able to.

The worst part was that she couldn’t bring herself to do anything about it at the time – he barely knew her except for the smart, shy girl who had a similar taste in music. She could spend every moment of the day with him on her mind but as soon as they were out of each other’s company, he would forget all about her, and she hated it. She was frustrated with the idea that there was a side of him she didn’t know and hadn’t the confidence to explore – no matter how badly she wanted to.

It's just that love hate relationship that she has with him even though he only knows her as the shy, smart girl who happened to have a similar taste in music to him is amazing; it shows this character is already in too deep with him.

The ending made me cry
The way you described her feelings when she was falling was...wow

I'm really looking forward to reading the next entry by you which I shall be reading next. You are a very talented writer.

arghh, i'm so stupid. i had this saved on word but never commented. -headdesk-

Anyways, before I review...

HOLYFUCKINGGOD. -hyperventilates-

~

That. was. AMAZING. I love love love your work beyond healthy boundaries.

You were able to write three paragraphs about a girl crying. And I read each and every word. I loved it.

I can truly feel for this character. She loves this boy so much, and yet, she knows he doesn't love her back as much as she wants him to.

The crystalline tears continued to fall as she silently curled up on the quilt, behind his oblivious back. Those tears were a mixture of all sorts of things. Love – simply because she loved him more than she loved life. Jealousy – simply because she resented the control he had of his own life, versus the fact that she couldn’t control her feelings. Need – simply because her mental state depended on him staying here with her. Hate – simply because she hated him for being able to do this to her.

This paragraph is beautiful. I can imagine this poor young girl sitting and crying so clearly, and you pefectly painted her emotions so I could see the pain and anger in her eyes, as well as vulnerability.

And when you began to explain how she used to love him...

:inlove:

It's so deep and touching, you explain this part so well, it doesn't seem like it's in 3rd person at all! How she always thought of him, and yet, he probably didn't know who she was. Just lovely.

To put the icing on one of the BEST FUCKING CAKES EVER your ending paragraph was beyond godly.

It wasn’t planned, it wasn’t intentional – but as the ground became nearer she was almost glad of a release from the man she loved. The pain of the cement wracked her body for a few seconds as her skeleton smashed – but she decided it was nothing at all compared to the heartache that he has and would have caused her had she remained on the balcony – and then, she was free.

Your sentences are so long and beautiful. This story is so haunting and enticing. I adore it. Thank you for being an amazing writer :arms:

I'm glad I chose this story now. I've been reading a lot of light stories recently. Yours reminded me of how much I loved long sentences.

And that is the first thing I liked about it. You're able of writing long sentences without making them echo with boredom.
Also, from the first paragraph you managed to depict a nice atmosphere. And even though you didn't say it directly, just from the scene set inside my mind, I could feel some of the emotion materialize into words.

The dynamics of the song matched the story (the girl's psych) making it all the more interesting and thrilling to read. The lyrics were also chosen well. I especially liked this transition:

The fissures were there, undoubtedly, ever since he grew aware of how much she actually loved him. It was only a matter of time…
You will suck the life out of me.
The clock read that it was two hours before he had to leave.
That was mind-blowing. Probably my favourite part.

I love the way you use words. How you weave them into AMAZING metaphores and comparisons. I admire your talent :cheese:
Although I'd have preferred if you hadn't outright said the guy was manipulative. It would've made the character a whole lot better and more interesting, of course.

I felt the emotion build up to the last paragraph. For the first time ever, I found reading a story exhilarating. And the last paragraph was sheer magic. Probably because I've jumped from a great height too, but it also had to do with how you portrayed her emotional state. Though, it was a bit farfetched, what with the girl hearing him yell after her.
I loved the bit with her skeleton smashing against the cement. Amazing
I can't get over how GOOD this story is :cheese: I'm not even that sleepy anymore. Seriously, the exhilaration... You're an amazing author.

I'm sorry if this review isn't structured nicely, but it's four am and I've just read one of the best one-shots ever so yeah...I actually feel bad for praising you so much :shifty I don't usually do that.

For story/review game.

First of all, I have to say I really liked this. Like normally stories with death in are fanfic, but I liked how this was original. I really didn't know what was coming next, but yet I did, if that makes any sense?

One thing I noticed that was different was how you didn't use these really grand metaphors with more words than meaning. Like using all those words is really beautiful, but sometimes simplicity is more... suited to the mood. I usually start out simple with stories, which is probably why I liked the beginning so much.

I think I’m drowning. That one sentance for me at least, sums up the story. She feels like she's drowning with this guy. He's her everything, but her poison at the same time.

It reminded her of what she was like a couple of years ago – just watching him, as he was unaware of her fixation. She’d seen him almost every day for four years and every second in his presence was like a drug. It was really weird how well I can relate to this story. I know what it feels like to look at someone you really like and have them not really know that you exist. It's so degrading, but addicting at the same time, and I like how you described that so well.

She begrudged him for making her resent her best friend, simply because she spent more time with him than she was ever able to. Like honestly, that's totally what happened with me. I have/had this huge crush on my best friend's friend, and she saw him at least twice every week where I was lucky to see him every month. Just... freaky.

Where she's regarding him and saying about how she wants to leave was described very nicely. It was vauge enough to leave mystery, but explained everything that needed to be said.

The side she’d never dreamt could carry a ‘possessive, manipulative streak’, as the girls had described it. It never used to matter to her – the good outweighed the bad by far. She loved him far too much to care, and only recently had it started to affect her mind. This part here really started to give me an idea how manipulative this guy is. Two faced, I guess you could say. It scared me to read about, especially after finding out how much she loves him.

And each time he’d come back to her, and everything that followed the lies and the wrongdoings was the only thing that mattered – his tears, his pleads, his apologies – because she knew it would hurt too much just to let go I had to feel sorry for her with this. What a manipulative, stupid guy. He just plays with her emotions... not cool.

The whole part where she realizes how he's going to suffocate her was done nicely. I could understand the flow of it, and it was real. Believeable. Awesome job.

When she falls over the balcony, I really didn't expect that. Well part of me knew that it would happen, but that still didn't make it less of a sad moment. I have to wonder if she would have ever been free if he'd walked out, or just curled up and... quit, like when in New Moon Bella completely becomes a waste of space after Edward leaves. Forgive me for using a Twilight reference, but it's the only thing that comes to mind right now. But the way you put a spin on it with making her realize she's free, that was something else. She was finally free. Even from tragedy something good happened to a poor soul, being free from the thing that was choking her.

Beautiful job :)