Outer Beauty; Deep As Skin And Just As Thin - Comments

This is really cool! :) It reminds me of the short story Beauty Is Truth by Anna Guest. :)

I loved it.

It's hauntingly beautiful.

Keep it up :arms:

Story Review Game

I was pulled in from the beginning of Chapter One. There was already an air of mystery present- who was this male character? Why was he so worried that the driver would be pretty? Was he always like that? Was this woman trivial, or would she play a much bigger role in the story?

Outer Beauty; Deep As Skin And Just As Thin
And then there was the big question- Why was this phrase that was always repeated so important? The repeating of it definitley made you think, but I think that you didn't have to use it so many times- the point was made, and it became a bit distracting.

Intrigued, I read Chapter Two as well. A question is answered, and it becomes clear that this woman who was driving the car will have a major role in the story. It is obvious that the phrase on the bumper sticker means something to her as well, but it is not repeated as many times- a good thing. And then comes the bracelet, which really pulled me in. What was so important about this bracelet? I felt a need to know.

Matt's reaction to Ada breaking up with him seemed very realistic. You didn't overdo the anger, but didn't neglect to include it, which wouldn't be very realistic at all. I wonder why Ada broke up with Matt though, it seemed their relationship had been long and happy. I question if the breakup had anything to do with Riah, although I doubt it, seeing as there was no interaction between the two before the breakup.

I read up to Chapter Seven, and I am still itching to know what will happen next. You seem to be a very talented writer.

First of all, the summary/description intrigued me a little, because I found it interesting. So I guess I would say, was I was pulled into reading it :D.

So I found the whole license plate thing repeating after every single paragraph there was, I began to think it was excessive and redundant. I found it like you want people to go around repeating it, but then again – if things ryhem it’s most likely to be remembered without overdoing it. So I might say once written, its rememebered. No need to be excessive :cute:.

After a while reading chapter one, I got annoyed and stopped reading. Sometimes doll, it helps to not be excessive about it :D so I like the paragraphs – and I’ve skipped to chapter two. So I’ll review that.

So I can breathe! The little phrase is no longer there. The paragraphs are fuller. Good. That’s good :D Now some of the paragraphs were less full then others, so that’s understandable and okay. I won’t nit-pick. Now when you do the whole period/dot thing, space ‘em out. :cute:. Others wise it’ll be clamped and cluttered – no reader likes that.

If I were you though, I would at least combined some of those two sentenced paragraphs :D. I read chapter three – mostly the same nitpicks, so be sure to fix those errors :D. Other then that, you’re writing was good :D.

Okay, so I just wrote out a whole long-ass comment for this then accidentally closed the tab before I posted it. -___-

But anyway, to sum it up, I think this chapter is my favourite so far. The first paragraph was just :cheese:, a gorgeous way to describe their future relationship. And then the mood kind of changed, a contrast to previous chapters because Riah seemed so happy to talk to Matt - it was, for want of a better word, adorable. But you could almost sense something was going to go wrong, which it did. I could clearly feel her despair in not wanting to eat infront of him, you portay characters in 3rd person exceptionally well. :]

But I think bringing in the personification of anorexia, Ana, was the cleverest part of this story so far. How she calls out to 'her' in the apartment and can hear a voice replying in her head really is a brilliant way of showing a mental disorder. It was almost smile-inducing, in an oxymoronic way, to hear her say she could be beautiful, even though it's still sad that she never saw herself that way. The reference to the red bracelet was intriguing, it added to how she may see anorexia, as something to admire, something pretty she can show on her arm as a personal symbol? The fact that it's red also made me connect it to the next part of the chapter, the self harming... maybe that's just me.

And then Ana talking back, telling her she isn't beautiful - the emotion there was so heart-wrenching to read. I know someone who has been seriously anorexic and this made me think of her, and the thought that she might have behaved a bit like this is extremely saddening. The imagery you used was repulsive - you're so damn talented at weaving words together to create imagery. The fact that you managed to make me screw up my face in disgust but still want to read on in awe is amazing, I hardly ever get this affected by imagery, so well done on that point, too.

So yes, you're managing to capture a serious affliction in a stunning and very real way. I never read anorexia or self harm fics unless they're very well done and show that the author in no way condones the behaviour, and your story has both. Keep writing, darling, you're amazing! :arms:

Story/Review Game:

I reviewed mostly as I read, and this is for the first three chapters.

I loved the way you opened this story. Even though the male character isn’t addressed by name and there’s limited information given about him, I still get a great sense of personality from your words; it’s almost as though it’s coming from a first person perspective; there’s something unique about the way everything is put together. The repetition of the phrase really stood out to me, it indicates that he’s fixated on it, it’s stuck in his mind and his thoughts are interesting and realistic; there’s a nice flow happening.

The way he thinks is pretty disjointed, and it fits his mindset. He’s really disconcerted and a bit obsessed over the bumper sticker. And this puts a great emphasis on it; for him to be so obsessed over it, there must be something intriguing about his particular phrase. And there is; it’s poetic and holds some truth to it. Just a random question; was this an actual bumper sticker or did you create it?

The ending left me wondering about the woman, as I’m sure you intended. It relates back to that thought of his, He wanted her to be gorgeous, to prove that even those who are attractive don’t always care about looks. It made me think that she had more pressing issues to care about than her looks. There must have been something very off-putting about her to make him react in such a way. And the ending, with the last snippet of the phrase was haunting.

The character of the woman is...beautiful, I guess is the word I’m looking for. She seems really aware of the world around her, and all the bad things that happen in society. I imagine her as a caring kind of figure.

The most horrible part of it was, on her life, she could swear she was the only one who viewed it in this negative way. That’s a scary thought, and it shows how wrapped up a lot of people and the media are with body image and weight. It honestly came as a shock when I reached the end of the chapter, and it put the woman and the sticker in a whole new light. But seeing the girl really got to her. Also, the repetition of the phrase acts as a kind of link between the character of the woman and the man; linking them and the chapters together.

I noticed that there seems to be more cussing in the chapters that focus on Matt; like I said before, they have unique voices. And I think this adds to it, and sets him apart from the woman.

Ada. Girlfriend. Black hair. Green eyes. A-d-a.

I’m not sure why this part stood out to me, really. I guess I liked the way the short sharp sentences fit together, and it emphasized how deep in thought he was about the phrase that he had to think about his girlfriend’s features separately and spell out her name in an attempt to get his mind off it.

His reaction to Ada breaking up with him was very...aggressive, yet realistic also. It’s clear from their backstory that he hadn’t seen it coming; and it made me wonder whether she has anything to do with the other woman, but somehow I don’t think so.

You have a nice writing style; it flows well and I like the continued use of the bumper sticker throughout. It puts a great emphasis on the words.

Chapter 1:

How many guys even fucking looked at those things?

This described the tone of the beginning paragraphs. It was a good call; it acted like a topic sentence.

Outer beauty; deep as skin, and just as thin.

Did you make that up? Because it's a really, really, REALLY good line. It should go on t-shirts or something.

It sort of freaked him out, but at the same time it gave him faith. Yes, faith. It’s not like he was the guy who cared about the way he looked or dieted. He was a lucky one; born trim and athletic. But that was besides the point. It didn’t give him faith in his looks, rather faith that there were people out there who weren’t concerned about the outside.

I liked how this is a story about body-images that is NOT told by the point of view of an insecure girl. It's from a guy's persepective, and he's approaching it the way a normal guy would: slightly offhanded, but inwardly curious.

That’s why he never decided to look at the driver. It was really, really stupid, that much he knew. But he was scared, scared that maybe the driver was just plain and wanted to make herself feel better. Someone who didn’t care because she didn’t have it to begin with. It was shallow, he knew, but he wanted her to be beautiful. He wanted her to be gorgeous, to prove that even those who are attractive don’t always care about looks.

That's such a normal guy statement too! You really got this character DOWN. Brilliant.

All he wanted to do at that moment was speed up until he was one hundred miles away from her broken eyes.

Wow. One moment, he was drawn in by the repetitive phrase, and the next he just can't bear to stay.

A very seemingly shallow view, but look beyond the surface and there are so many things implied in this. Gorgeous piece!

Since I already reviewed the first two chapters, I am reviewing chapters 3 and 4.

Chapter 3

I felt really sorry for Matt in this chapter because of when his girlfriend dumps him. The details also make the reader feel his pain when she says it's over and you can just sense those words hitting him. Describing Ada was simple, yet well done because I really could picture her as beautiful. There was also a little bit of questioning because you wonder why she decided to end the relationship. As for when he was yelling in anger, the figurative details made it beautiful and I just once again felt bad for what happened to him. then that one phrase just spoke up and I could really get into the story.

Chapter 4

Just when I thought your writing couldn't get more amazing, you aroused my interests with this next part, when they both meet. This is when you trigger the connection of the whole story and I was concerned for her when she fell to the ground. I visioned her actions and I felt her pain, which was very realistic to my mind.

I also enjoyed reading his frustration, when he tried to help her, but she kept refusing to go to the hospital. This indicated that he already cared about her health and that he was going help her, no matter what she demanded. The ending was interesting as well. He thought he wouldn't think about her again and thought he could stay away from hrr, but ended up being involved.

Did I mention how much I love this story?

I don't know how on earth I lost track of this story.
I'm normally not a fan of these types of stories, about self-image and such, and I guess my only excuse for neglecting it is that I just forgot how well you wrote it.

She lunged for it; mercilessly tearing at the words; the nine words of the damned! The words that reached out to her from the pits of hell, surely to steal away her soul and bury it beneath the ground; but inches from hell’s burning flames, along with the others cursed! But, oh, she was so sure; so sure it was but she who would eternally be bound to these evil words, but there was another; another who had been there all along.

I think this is my favourite phrase of the whole thing. Even though it's in 3rd person, you manage to phrase it like it's her stream of consciousness and it really let me into her head. Well done.

Keep it up! I'm subscribing. More people should read/comment this, it really deserves it.

The way you have intergratted the quote is fantastic. It has really made the story.
Also the sense of mystery you build is very very clever.
-applauds-

And your characters have such depth, its brilliant.

-subscribes-

I'm reviewing as I read, and I like it. The first chapter felt a little stilted because of the way you put the quote in, but it definitely stuck in my head. The guy sounds almost self-concious, and possibly a little uncomfortable with the way he looks, even though he knows he's good looking. I like your use of the word harrowing to describe her expression, made a very clear image in my head.

I like the first paragraph of chapter two, but it doesn't really make an image. What you're describing is awful, yes, but can I picture it? No. You describe the bracelet well, I can imagine the stones wrapped around her wrist easily, and I feel a bit of the fear and horror that she's feeling, simply because you conveyed the emotion so well. I'm very curious about the bracelets now too.

"fourteen year old freshman" pluralize this somehow, your spelling and grammar is spectacular, I'm just nuts. :) "cerulean pieces " Love this description. The last paragraph is wonderful. It's truly a human thing to want to do, just run... Your insight into your characters mind is amazing.

" And here he was" I'd use yet instead of and, but that's just an ingrained preference from years of english classes. "like lighting it struck her to her soul" Says lighting instead of lightning. You also spelled Prius "Pries" in the last paragraph. "just a blur of words to her blinded ears" Interesting turn of phrase, it describes not understanding speech really well though. "her voice was hoarse and rough, reminding her sickeningly of a gnarled tree bark." !!! Amazing description, I really love it.

Your description in this chapter made me so sad... I just wanted to give her a hug, make her feel better. The other girls were well described too. I got a distinct image of plastic girls, afraid of anything different.

The way you described her tearing the sticker off at the end was amazing. Her fear is almost tangible, I love it. " locks amber " I think you might've accidently inverted these lol. "no amount of gratefulness was worth the exposure " I'd use gratitude instead of gratefulness, but again, that's just personal taste in words.

I'm definitely subscribing to this, please update soon. :)

Story Review Game

Oh wow, I have no idea why you do not have more comments because this story was absolutely amazing and breath taking. I just had read the two chapters and both of the
point of views are emotional and very descriptive.

For the first chapter, I love how you started with the boy. It shows that he's secretly thinking about that one phrase, but is embarrassed to even care about it because of his gender. You could feel how it's just speaking a huge message and that he understands it.

As for the second chapter, the girl's point of view was very sad to read because of how the beginning started with the astounding details:

She had seen tragedies; truly horrendous. Children; young children lying helplessly in their deathbeds, awaiting the afterlife with their wise dying faces; so young…faces that had hardly seen the daylight of this world. She’d seen murder; the killing in cold blood of the innocent, merciless and spiteful. She’d seen lost love, the mourning of a loss of their soul mate. But, by far, what her pained eyes were staring at now was the most terrible sight she’d seen in her eighteen years. This was the sight that would haunt her for her entire lifetime; the mere echo of this moment would send shivers down her spine.

There's a huge amount of sorrow in her life and I feel very sorry for what happened and it just made me enjoy the story even more. This story really speaks what goes on with teens sometimes and I understand how they both feel about that one phrase.

More people need to realize how amazing your story is.

I also like the repetition you used. I shall be reading the rest and I'm subscribing. =]

Your writing skill is beyond amazing. You go into depth about his thoughts, about her thoughts. You can almost start picturing what she saw. You describe the way the characters look to a T, which also helps with conjuring up a look for them. It's very easy to form an image of how I view the characters to look like.

There's one thing I'm concerned about in the first chapter. The italics between the paragraphs threw me off. I'd start reading a paragraph, then I'd read the italics and I'd get switched up repeatedly. Like I'm reading two different things at once. I mean, other people could like that...but it's just a pleasant thing for me as a reader, personally.

There's a spelling error in the following sentence;

The very thought made her was to sob

All in all, this story is magnificent so far. I really want to read more. Especially to figure out what the red beaded bracelet means, and it's importance to the story.

Story Review Game.

I was a bit hesitant with this, to be honest. I wasn't really keen on reading a sob story about being thin and all that, but I really - hoenst to God - think that you did amazingly with it. Especially with the switches of point of view with every chapter. And you would have been able to tell without the titles "Him" or "Her", and that's something that's difficult to acquire in writing. Your characters' personalities literally flow off the page, and I really enjoy that.

Now the one quote that struck me more than any other would be this:

It was shallow, he knew, but he wanted her to be beautiful. He wanted her to be gorgeous, to prove that even those who are attractive don't always care about looks.

Now, believe me when I say that I could pull off every other sentence from your gorgeous story and say that I loved it, but this one hit close to home. Why? Because it's really very true. Try to deny it we might, but us humans do look at outer beauty before going into the person's inner beauty. It's practically human nature to judge something - it's how our mind puts things into categories, I suppose.

But enough of my rambling. This story is absolutely beautiful, I urge you to continue, and I'm going to hit that pretty little Subscribe button right now. (:

Wow that was kinda intense. i loved though. It has the mystery essence to it. :] update soon?

I loved the tone and voice. It sounded real and it was lovely to read. To read smoothly and it fitted very well. I love the repetitive phrase "Outer beauty; deep as skin, and just as thin." in between sentences.

"It was shallow, he knew, but he wanted her to be beautiful. He wanted her to be gorgeous, to prove that even those who are attractive don't always care about looks."

I love that line the most because it got me thinking how people only care about looks and not about what's within. I loved the aspect that the woman driving the car was a beautiful lady. I thought it was going to be an over weight woman or old lady :tehe: but I kinda didn't understand it, which to me made it a lot more better, if that makes any sense. But I'll give it a try. Deep as skin, and just as thin, maybe it had a lot to do with personally opinion and how one feels about themselves. The beautiful girl driving had a "broken" expression on her face, and why? She's a beautiful girl ,what's to worry about? So, that got me thinking as well.

"Did the mother know? Maybe she did…maybe her laughter was faux, just a lie to cover up her pain. The daughter was faking too. They were lying, lying to everyone, pretending all was well."

The second chapter was just :inlove: it reminded me of my own writing and I don't know if you ever read anything by, but I consider that as a complement. And I was wondering was the first and second chapter connected, I know the phrase was, but like the characters. I also, love how you written this in 3rd person.

Good job.

Amazing story.
It is very well written and the narrative makes it more powerful.
I cannot wait to find out more about this mystery girl!
:XD

Holy crap! You're an amazing author! (I wish I could write like you!) *definately subscribes*

Oh. My. God.

I just love it. I don't know why, but I do. It's just so well written, and tells you what's going on with only telling you certain tiny bits of information to do with the plot that's slightly unclear at the moment. I want to know more...

I really do.

Gah!! I love this story!!! :] i can't wait for more.