Transylvania - Comments

Wow. This was definitely the best era fic I have ever read.

The elevated vocabulary flowed, which I've noticed a lot of authors (including myself sometimes) have problems incorporating it into their story without it sounding awkward.

Tom being the one that told Dougie's father, and Danny being killed were a bit predictable... if you took the time to stop reading and seriously think about how you thought it would turn out. I was on the edge of my seat, devouring your story, not only wanting, but needing to know what happened next.

Brava.

I've just read the whole thing in one go.
You have and amazing grasp of the English language and you use words beautifully.
The way you describe things is really great as well.
I thought the way you but the flashbacks in was really good.

I though Dougie was some how going to find a way to save Danny , but he didn't . This story truly moved me.
Their first kiss (in I think the third chapter) was beautiful and really easy to visualize.

This is a brilliant story.
:cute:

Firstly, I was crying like a baby for about half of that last chapter usually sob a bit with touching stories, but the by ending of this, I couldn't stop crying for a good ten minutes.

I knew it was coming, i'm obsessed with the song it's based on, but that hit me like a punch in the face. The cut into the flash backs just tore my heart to shreds over this. I was hoping all the way through it would somehow come out different

And Tom betraying him, god how my heart went out to dougie. It was terribly effective how young love got cut down so brutally by reality.

Oh and that last sentence, as last sentences go I haven't seen so many which fittingly add the last stab your your readers emotions like that.

Basically, it's lovely, it's gorgeous, with an amazing plot, and obviously you know how much of a fan I am of your writing. You really know how to make the reader run with the same emotions as you main character. It's...killer to say the least.

I need to go and find some kleenex because I'm all teary and lame at the moment. :oops: But this is a gorgeously written, but brutally sad ending to fit with a story I'm probably overly obsessed with.

bravo :shifty

*is in shock* how...I mean...why?? *makes useless hand gestures, mouth behaving like a goldfishes* That wasn't a nice end for such a beautiful story...I can't believe that was the end!!

You, hun, are incredibly talented. For one, you finished a chapter story (something I am attempting yet have never, ever succeeded in) and you finished it well. Sadly, but incredibly well.

Somehow, I knew Danny was going to die. Perhaps it was the way that we could only get close to him through memories; maybe it was the melancholy tone the story was set in. But I could feel it, if only slightly. And now that it's happened, I feel it fully and gosh it hurts. It's a good hurt, because I know it's fiction. You just wrote it so well. I'm trying not to cry.

I know Tom said that he did it because he couldn't risk losing his job as a servant for the Poynters', but I couldn't help but feel as though there was something more. Did he like Dougie? Maybe it's my imagination. I don't know.

The white creature on which the rescuer rides would somehow be slain by the sword of society...

This is very sadistic of me, but I love that imagery. You took something cliche (the knight in shining armor/rescuer on a white horse analogy) and then wrote it in a way that made it the very opposite of cliche.

Oh and I love the fluffy memories spread without. It constrated greatly against the melancholy tone of the rest of the story that really helped showcase Dougie's pain. It shows that he had a beautiful, beautiful relationship that was ripped from him; without them, I don't think the chapter would have been quite as powerful.

All in all, what a great story. I really wish I could write half as well as you. And I can't wait to read your new idea, if it turns into anything. This story was absolutely beautiful. :arms:

PS I still love the banner. :tehe: :con:

I'm gonna go climb into bed and cry now.

I can't believe you killed Danny
I can't believe it's over... I thought Tom and Harry might... get it on. :lmfao

I'm never going to be able to write a review like that one ^^
or write any kind of review that gives this story justice
But I'll just say that you are a fucking amazing writer and I loved the ending.

Story/Review Game:

I find it hard writing reviews for this story, because I always feel like I’m repeating myself. xD
You build suspense really well; the beginning lets us know that something’s wrong and, although I don’t know exactly what, I can guess that it has something to do with Dougie and his elusive relationship. I really quite admire Dougie in this story, you know? I mean, he’s not hiding his relationship because he’s ashamed of it, but he’s hiding it because of how socially unacceptable it would have been at that time (that’s the kind of vibe I get from him anyway).

The scene is set really nicely in the opening; it seems...warm, if that makes any sense. The mention of the candle and his sheets sounds cosy, yet there’s still that unsettling feeling he has. It’s all very vivid. The descriptions flow nicely. his small, teenage body had twisted and contorted in the night so that the sheets had cocooned him in damp, cotton ropes. It’s something so simple...a person moving in bed during the night, but you make it into something beautiful. And the fact that he’s tossing and turning has importance, because of his mindset and how worried he must be, and that coupled with him waking early, which is out of the ordinary, shows how much it’s affecting him.

You leave the reader wanting more, and wanting to know more in particular. I like trying to guess. :tehe: My first thought was that the voices were his parents, but then I considered that he would have been able to identify them, so I’m not so sure anymore.

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned before, but I like how the characters speak. Harry and Dougie speak properly, but in a way that’s still teenager-like and it fits because they’re just talking to each other, and don’t have to uphold a particular image at that moment. And, I’d like to add that for some reason I like that Harry refers to him most of the time as Doug...it shows that he’s been brought up to be polite and refer to people by their full name. And Harry...I like his character; even though Dougie’s relationship isn’t considered moral in this society, he’s willing to help him as a true friend would, even if it’s risking his own standing.

The part in italics in sweet. I love the whole “opposites attract” notion, and it appears that Dougie wants an escape from his life, if only for a while. Their relationship sounds like an adventure. And I particularly like this part: and a few weeks during which Tom had been most suspicious of his friend’s new love of muddy places (for he often had to collect Dougie’s laundry, which contained trousers bearing crumbling, dirty ankles and splatters of sludge) but had not yet managed to extract the secret from him. It’s just so...cute. Like Dougie has discovered a whole new world almost.

I like that Danny isn’t referred to by name at first; it gives him an aura of mystery. And it also lets us know his defining physical features too (which is good for me, seeing as I’m not all that familiar with McFly).

The kissing scene was done so well. The sensations were described vividly; the rain, his thoughts...everything. It was sensual and just really caring.

The chapter was finished perfectly; cliff-hangerish really, and as a random end note to this part of my comment, I like that you hinted that Tom had been crying, rather than stating it.

Wow. I mean, I knew that it would come out in the end, given the kind of society they lived in, but now that it has...I’m not even sure what that means for Dougie and Danny. I know it’s not good, but I’m apprehensive of what’s going to happen. You built the tension well here; the dialogue helped do that, it had a frantic feel to it. The fact that Tom is being so harsh towards Dougie amplifies the severity of the situation; I’d always thought of him as a more calm character in this story.

He scowled at his own naivety, and sank back onto the bed, staring at only the tears that welled up in front of his eyes. I thought that this sentence might flow better if ‘at’ was after ‘only’ not before.

What Harry said was so sweet; you’ve built their friendship well. I can see that, even though beforehand Harry appeared to be a bit of a jokester, he does really care about Dougie.

All the blonde felt of himself as he reached the first floor landing was idiocy, selfishness and naivety, pushing out of every pore and swarming round him like mosquitoes, prickling his skin through his cotton shirt. That was an amazing piece of description. In fact, I love that whole paragraph. I think the fact that it’s so detailed and elaborate makes it all the more clear just how scared Dougie is.

Seriously, I’ve lost my train of thought here. It’s all so tragic. Tom betraying Dougie like that...but out of fear, not spite. His father...behaving like that. I had this crushing feeling at the beginning of this chapter that something like this major would happen. I’m not sure what else I can say.

The dialogue was fantastic. I never find it easy to write confrontation, and the way you wrote yours was realistic and foreboding. His father, I’d say, is realistic. I dislike him for him, the character...the way you’ve written him is perfect; his dialogue and his...cunning really. And Dougie calling him ‘monster’ hit me; he must have felt so desperate and isolated.

Now the flashbacks and the present mingling together like that seems so sad; his and Danny’s time together has been cut short and memories are all he’ll have. It’s heartbreaking.

Almost there. He could hear the buzz of the small, sadistic crowd that would have gathered to watch this cruel display of immorality and injustice, swarming like flies about to feast on the body that would have held life just moments before. Such a hard-hitting line. It’s the kind of situation that makes you want to go into the story and just...yell at those people or something. Make them see how cruel they’re being. And I have to say that the ending was perfect and tear-jerking. I mean literally. I haven’t shed a tear over a story for a while, but I did this time.

It ended perfectly.

Oh God. It's okay to cry at stuff like this, right? I swear Sam, if I cry at something you wrote one more time, that's it. You're a genius.

This was like Titanic, if Kate had been a boy. And Leonardo DiCaprio was as hot as Danny Jones.

Oh, and another genius moment? The almost irony of Dougie's flashback:

“Well, then, I’ll never let you become cold.”

“Is that a promise?”

“Yes. I Promise.”

When paired with his present:

Danny’s eyes found Dougie’s and it was pain and remorse and love and sorry all in one glance-

~Annie

SAM!
SAM, SAM SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM.
I'm terribly sorry this had to be a comment on your story instead of your profitle, but i'm afraid i'm a little bit drunk and i couldn't find the button for a comment.
so i clicked on random places on your profile and HERE I AM hah.
Ido like your profile though, i have to sy i did drool a lot when i saw my good friend dougie who'd i'd very much like to secks (:

ANYWAY, it has been a long time, has it not!?
I miss talking like retards on emseens!
I had a little girlie cry the other night when i had one of my typical teenager modd swings abuot it all and felt a lot better for it.
but i promise i'll be a good girl and start coming online more often to talk to my lovliest girl in all the lansd.

oh i am sorry, i'm commenting all about personal stuff AND SNOT oops caps lock, and not about your wonderingful; story!
It's bvery good i must say, even though i only got through the first chapter when the writing started to run allover the page again and i couldn't finish.
SO I will finish it once i an more sober.
which i hope is sometime tomorrow, but you never kniw with vodka, do you?

This is quite a long comment for someone who's only read the first chapter, hhu?
oh well, i PRMOSE i will finish reading!
Did i just say that?
My god, i must be drunk.
But i'm bored so i might go on the boards, will no doubtubly be very embarassing because i stripped off infront of the open window not long ago and probably flashed a lot of people.
oh well they can get counciling.

I love you so much AND I Cant wait to speak ahain it shall be marvallous!
love you love you love you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I like it. Good imagery, description and detail :tehe: I’m jealous of you’re writing as well. Gosh! :D. I like the way you opened it, it was a good captivating moment for me, the reader, so I like this so far. It’s very interesting, and I seem to like the character, so this is a brilliant, original and unique story. I’ll enjoy reading it :tehe:. I liked the fullness of it, and the big chunks of paragraphs, which obviously implied much information – I like this story. Please continue writing :D.

So, I'm officially a fan.
Your writing is AMAZING
Please update soon.
(and sorry I'm not the greatest at writing reviews like some of these other comments...)

Yeah, I wrote out a long description of how good this story was - um, very - but it cancelled, and is now nothing but meaningless cyber space. I am quite angry about that.

Sigh.

Since I have not enough energy left in me to write it out again, I can only tell you it is extremely brilliant, and your hard work really shows. And unlike me [who gets praise for my half-assed stories and feels guilty about it], you shouldn't feel guilty. The praise is well deserved.

Please, continue, people really appreciate it. Your story is some kind of genius.

Oh, and the best part of this story? Definitely the fact that so far you have only described him and Danny together through Dougie's memories. To me that's one of the most suspenseful things. I love how you don't need to say anything about it either, even flashbacks weren't needed after it was described how impatient Dougie was for Danny to return.

Sorry my comment wasn't really worthy. I tried, I swear.

~Stephanie

story review game - -

Firstly I was going to review this anyhow, because i am absolutely head over heels for this story, as I am a complete sucker for mcfly and your writing. But anyhow. I'll review the third chapter otherwise i'll be writing you essays on what I like about it if i go through the whole thing xD

Although firstly, I love your charcterization of dougie. He's reckless but brooding and quite honest, in a way fits exactly what i'd picture a young nobleman like him in my own head. Yet you've given him this very human quality. it makes you like him and side with him. Making the story more engaging for the reader.

The beggining of the third chapter drops you right into the scene 'Dougie awoke early. This was rare; something wasn’t right.'. I love the short phrasing and your instantly a bit on edge along with your main character.

'It was though a stopwatch was ticking away in his mind – a stopwatch that grew more persistent with each passing second' working with the tension again it had me going 'oh god,oh god, oh god' because you have such control over not actually revealing what was amiss at the time but as a reader i'm wondering away about it.Plus it's lovely imagery :3

Pretty much one of my favourite lines was 'but this time, the sun was in his eyes and his heart was in his mouth.' I don't know how to explain it. It just works so well :)

Just to add a point of how much I love their perfect english. I've seen so many stories set at the time using slang and it just doesn't fit. Dougie talks like a gentleman and it;s so fitting. Like 'I see you desire to be different today. Didn’t you feel like enduring my father’s conversation this morning?' for example.

'The reason gave the grin Dougie had come to associate as his trademark'
:tehe: I love how you actually acknowledge he's the type to never wipe the smile off his face it's just. . . sweet

'A shock of electricity shot through Dougie’s nerves as soon as their palms connected. ' :cheese: I love how you can set off so many images with one sentence.

“Toffee apple? The real taste of the town, huh?' It made me smile how Dougie keeps returning to the same question, it kind of highlights a little nervous streak in him. Very effective,

'looking up into a pair of thoughtful, azure eyes, into which spidery strands of hair were feeding raindrops' i adore how close he's studying Danny.It highlights how intently he's staring at him, just as your beginning to see what's coming :tehe:

He thought his lungs were being crushed by his ribcage as he couldn’t seem to breathe anymore, head spinning and heart skipping beats like his cardiac muscle was about to fail. His lips parted to try and coax oxygen into his body, but all he received was a gentle squeeze by another pair.' ok ok ok.I would quite a sentence, but this whole chunk of text together is just :yah . It works together. It's a rush of really rich description and it's simply gorgeous. Favourite paragraph in the story really. Made me hold my breath for a while; it's just perfect.

but Dougie noted a faint red tinge round the bottom of his eyes.' oh good god whats happened to tom ? Tom crying is probably the worst image I can get. It's like kicking a puppy :3

Ahh basically, I love this story. I'm already subscribed, have been since the first chapter. I love how on edge everything is but you drift back to this flashbacks and help us to understand what exactly is going on. Your description and imagery and your characters are beautiful, and you handle writing a story set in the 1800's skillfully.

Basically, knowing the song it's inspired by I'm completely on my seat about how this will progress and end, but basically I'm waiting faithfully for the next chapter of this awesome story. Well done!

well, this is the first ever Mcfly story I've ever read and I have to say I love it! Your writing is so fluent and amazing and yeah, It's really good, I can't wait for the next chapter!

:cheese:

Just :cheese:

LOL, it looks funny in the actual comment box, because it says 'Just cheese'. :lmfao
Yeah, I think I might have ADD...

Anyway, teh story.
Yew can haz wrightin' skillz :weird

It's realllllly good. I haven't ever read any McFly fics on Mibba before, probably because there are hardly any, but I can probably safely say this is the best wun :cute:
I love the idea of it being set way back in the past, when homosexuality was proper frowned-upon.

LOL, 'proper'. That's the northen-ness showing through.
YES ALRIGHT, I admitted it xD

Okay, I'm flying off track here again.

I can't wait for an update, whenever you have the time :cute:

LY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :hug:

Story/Review Game

I really love the suspense built up by your characterisation and superior use of questions. As a reader I found myself constantly asking questions - and though I was fairly sure who Dougie's lover was - I was still suspecting everyone. I was like "Perhaps him and Tom had a fling?" but then logic dispproved the theory.
In the third chapter I really liked the line:
A shock of electricity shot through Dougie’s nerves as soon as their palms connected. He took a breath – this wasn’t something that had ever happened with his friends, Tom and Harry, he knew that much.
as it seemed to sum up first love flawlessly. I think everyone's felt like that at least once so it definitely relates to the reader and the use of the word 'electricity' connotes something a lot more powerful than a fling but makes the reader expect a lot more from this mysterious relationship.
And the way you worked up to the kiss was amazing. I just loved the way their characters really shone through as they seemed to playfully interact with eachother. Agh, words really can't describe the superiority of this piece and I am definitely subscribing.
I think you have stayed true to the setting and time of the story and is a joy to read.
I think you definitely have a talent for this...

Oh my gosh! That was absolutely amazing...

You are an amazingly talented author, keep up the good work!



And update soon..

Story/Review Game

Aww, this story is as sweet as sugar and so fluffy xDD

Anyways, when I started reading this, at first, I was all, I'll just read and review the first chapter. But, like you said, I got totally sucked in.

Chocolate curls caressing caramel waves on a backdrop of straw.

The soft shivers triggered by fingertips, dirty and fresh and raw and different.

The first eye contact, innocent and sweet - the participants not knowing what was to blossom from that first look…

Beautiful, beautiful writing. I swear I thought that was part of some McFly song -shot-

At first I was kind of confused, and I thought something was going on between Tom an Dougie? That was probably just because I'm an idiot. xD

"Dougie...they know

^ Oh my gosh. I love you for that xD
It started getting REALLY good when there was a talk with his father. Then I absolutely was sure something was going on and really wanted to find out who it was. Suspense, suspense, suspense.

The flashbacks are just gorgeously written, and so cute and fluffy ^__^

“No,” the older of the pair replied, speaking just loud enough for Dougie to hear over the splash of the rain. “That’s… not what I wanted to show you.”

I hate slash, but that was adorable xD :inlove:

I'm suscribing to this, it was really lovely. Great stories, as always :]

This story isn't getting half the attention it deserves.

I agree with Laceration Gravity, when she says how much she liked the summary.
In his high-class world of wealth and power, Dougie held a secret – a secret that could change his whole life on discovery – and it lay in the hands of three people.
It really is wonderful.

I love how detailed you make everything, you can see everything so clearly whilst reading and it's obvious you put so much effort into describing the surroundings and how Dougie feels about everything that's happening around him.

The third chapter was amazing, too.

Dougie snorted. “I’d hardly call it scandalous.”
I like this line, mainly because it shows that Dougie hasn't really thought about how dangerous the situation could become, and it hasn't quite sunk in that he's been discovered. He's almost in denial of how bad the consequences could be.

I loved the way you described the kissing scene, too, by making Dougie almost fight with himself over how he knew the kiss was wrong, but he wanted to do it anyway. {And the fact that it's Danny and Dougie didn't do any harm, either. :tehe:}

I've never been interested in reading a McFly story before, but this one is absolutley amazing and you tell it incredibly well. I've subscribed. :]