January 7th, 2010 at 05:54pm
Quite frankly, the spelling and grammar mistakes took away considerably from the finished piece. I found myself ticking them off on my fingers as I read through it, and getting frustrated because there were more mistakes than I had fingers (and toes) for. Even in the summary, simple spelling issues like "meet" instead of "meat" could have been avoided. Just ask a friend to beta for you in the future; it helps greatly.
As for the plot, I was a little disappointed. I wanted Alexander to be an evil vampire, just like in her dreams. I don't think it's very realistic (disregarding the entire "vampire" part of it) for Alisa to just meet a boy, invite him inside her home, and take him to a party later on. She also wouldn't accept a ride from him, especially considering the fact that she believes him to be a crazed killer. Any smart girl wouldn't also fall in love with said crazed vampire-boy just hours after meeting him, either.
The ending left me dissatisfied with a bad taste in my mouth. You made it this big point that Alexander likes/loves her, and that Alisa loves him back, and then suddenly he just disappears? Even in a short story, that kind of ending isn't a fun one. I would've liked to see Alisa and Alexander at least have a little more time to flesh out their feelings and satisfy the reader.
Thank you for entering the contest. With a little bit of editing and rewriting, this could be a very, very well-polished piece. Keep at it.
xx
Mae.
Punctuation errors
Entertaining but it doesn’t really seem that well written in language and grammar, the plot is good, I like the way it’s supposed to be scary but it still has fun bits weaved into it, I thought it was a good as a simple read but not the best thing I’ve ever seen. Also it’s quite unrealistic, just letting a stranger into your own home in unrealistic. And again with the grammar I found it hard to read it smoothly with all those mistakes, just work on spelling and plot ideas and I think you could be quite a goo writer, all the ideas are there it’s just not organised enough and you should always want your work to be seen as the best it can be.