The Taste of Your Sin - Comments

Yesh, off to comment.

Firstly, I love how Chase calls him Bradshaw. And how he's the type to want commitment. And Brad's character development, he's maturing from shallow guy to one who actually hurts from a prior relationship and wants to wait, though he's up for the sexual stuff. :XD Still, he's well-rounded.

Secondly, holycrap the description.



He forced a sad smile and replied, "I understand." In a rapid and unexpected movement, I rolled over on top of him. Our eyes caught each other and Chase groaned in such a way as if he'd never been pleased in his entire life, "I want you," he growled. "I need you."

My lips smashed into his and grabbed a handful of his hair. Never had I really felt his lip rings until then. They were cold, a sharp contrast to the warmth exchanged between our bodies. Bites between kisses and moans between the sound of mouths fighting. He wanted me, like he said, and he wanted me now. I could feel it. I could tell. But I was nervous. What was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to do it? I pulled away and looked deep into those bright orbs. "I've never done this before," I panted. "Not with a guy."

His eyes jerked around in excitement, trying to focus. "Just relax," he half moaned, half whispered. "It's not rocket science."

This is filled with wonderful word choice and usage. You have a style that's distinct and clear and just... different and good.



My hair, also wet, was plastered annoyingly to my face. The salty smell of the mixture of our perspiration only fueled me more. As my speed increased, Chase's yells crescendoed. I sank my fingertips deeper into his hips and pulled him to me faster and harder. He opened his eyes and looked at me. They possessed a burning, green lust underlined with a faint innocence. An innocence that I took with me that day. It didn't matter if he wasn't "pure" from before me. It didn't matter if I wasn't his first. He was still barely angelic. Even if it was only a bit. But whatever he had left in him, I stole. With pride.

Another wowing paragraph. You can pull off meaningful porn.

And Chase said I love you.
That makes me worried for Brad's reaction.

Taaaaassss, you better not be mean on Alex Heartbreaker. :XD

It seems I haven't read the past two chapters :|
This story blows me away. Srsly. I can't believe how good you pour your ideas and words into one whole. Your imagery is, well, strong. How you describe emotion amazes me.
And I LOVE your personifications [The memory was still too vivid and real. My brain seemed to grow arms and punch at the inside of my skull.]. Those two adjectives (vivid, real) are completely overshadowed by the personification in the next sentence. The lack of, well, "fancy" words (which might not be a lack at all) is easily ignored because you use the words you have so well. I get all and want to steal your brain :/
It's all leveled out.

It's obvious you work hard on your character, which is to be expected seeing as they're OC's. Still, you make them almost too real. Their fears of being judged, their fears of love - they're all to real. It's plain to see you fight with the stereotypes and clichees. And you're doing an amazing job.

I like the new pic of Bradshaw a lot more, btw :}

wow go brad and chase

Awesome. As always.

and i love you, this was awsome

Ugh, Tas!
This was so worth waiting for.

Before I quote my favorite parts and lines, I just wanna sad - W O W.
The description here blew me right out of my socks. x]
The relationship they share runs so much deeper than a simple friendship,
and I think that Brad finally understands that, I just fret what may come
as his reply to Chase's 'I love you'.
I'm glad Chase isn't as submissive as we all probably thought he'd be,
he asked for a commitment, stood up to Brad and then out of the blue, and
I love you for it, he got Brad to share something with him.
And the way you described him - how he felt pure despite all the given
facts, it all just made the whole thing so much more special.
And not just that, in your description of the act, I'm glad you
concentrated on the emotions, and on Brad's thoughts and comparisons to
women.

He opened his eyes and looked at me. They possessed a burning, green lust underlined with a faint innocence. An innocence that I took with me that day. It didn't matter if he wasn't "pure" from before me. It didn't matter if I wasn't his first. He was still barely angelic. Even if it was only a bit. But whatever he had left in him, I stole. With pride.

I wanted to quote more, but I think this would grow monstrously huge. XD
That bit just had me, you know? The thought of purity and how he stole the last of it,
it only deepened Brad's affection towards Chase and the imagery in the rest of that paragraph was just as breathtaking.

But that bit just had me wide-eyed and grinning. Silly, but hey. x]

I can't even begin to tell you how much I love this story.
Every single chapter is worth the wait.

this is truly amazing! very good concept, the characters are believable and it flows really well =]

"I'm not fucking gay! Get your queer ass out of my fucking sight! Get out of my fucking house!" We locked eyes. "Faggot." Chase's eyes were glossy from tears he was trying to hold back. Another thing that angered me about him was how much he cried. Couldn't he ever man up? "Leave," I reinforced.

I could really sense some sort of denial right there, very well displayed.
I could almost hear the really crisp tone of Brad's voice when he stated, "Leave."

I felt a heat grow inside me but I was so at peace. So calm. It put the spark out before it even had a chance to ignite into a flame. His eyes were sincere. Perfectly green. Just like the leaves. I sat up and pressed my mouth to his. Just shut up, I thought.

That was defiantly my favorite part of that chapter.
Brad's attitude completely changed and it just left me thinking, "Wow."
Not very often just a paragraph can do that.

"Kiss me," he ordered.

I obeyed.

I love how in just one chapter, Brad's character went from denial to basically admitting that he's gay.

Really great job, if I do say so myself.
The slash was hot, too.
:file:

Baha.


I hope that wasn't too shit of feedback comment.
(:

Chapter ten: tip vs tongue

The plot of this chapter was thought up really well and it all fits together seamlessly. I love how Bradshaw is in denial at the beginning, but then at the end… yeah. The description is also written out really well. Gosh, I wish I had more to say, but I can never think of the right things to say nor give a decent review for anything. Overall, the whole chapter is flawless.

tas; still here.:

Erm... If you read it fully you'd know that Chase was teaching Brad the wrong thing on purpose. :shifty

I know all of the functions and parts of a cell.

EDIT: But thank you though.

haha - whoops, my mistake entirely. i did say that i skimmed it!
i'll shut up now.

Okay. -rubs hands together-

Firstly, I am in love with Chase. You have succeeded in making me fall in love with a character, which only two other authors here have managed to do. And he pwns so hard.

-coughs-

Ahem. Neway, the way he was acting at the beginning... your portrayal of it was realistic. You didn't write down their dialogues but you described it in his actions, his frustration and anger, seeping through his complex personality.

Then, finally, when he's about to leave, you make him explode, not able to take it any longer. I can actually imagine it in my head. Chase shouting the truth to a Brad who is denying it, badly. Haha.

But in the end, he mellowed down and it all went so... well, nicely from there. Their interactions made them seem like they were born for each other. Brad taking Chase to his secret place was like a silent gesture of foreboding... maybe he had a feeling that this guy here would/already means a lot to him.

And Chase looking like a wet puppy! -melts-


I felt a heat grow inside me but I was so at peace. So calm. It put the spark out before it even had a chance to ignite into a flame. His eyes were sincere. Perfectly green. Just like the leaves. I sat up and pressed my mouth to his. Just shut up, I thought.

I loooovelovelovelove this line! There was some chaos in his thoughts but all saying the same thing.

SHUT UP AND KISS HIM.

:XD

I pulled myself deeper into him until there wasn't anything left to shove. He gagged a bit but I ignored it. If he was going to take me, he was going to take all of me.

I think I mentioned this before when I reviewed this chapter. It was such a contrast when Brad was all 'if he's gonna take me, he has to take everything,' and then when this happened:

[For the next few following moments I was a part of the ground. My soul had sank into it. = btw, amazing line two.]

He was not only wet from water but now from sweat. "Kiss me," he ordered.

It was now Brad who was taking orders. It showed how they balanced each other out, and goddamnit please give them a happy ending. :XD

I think your forte is in metaphors and subliminal messages and foreshadowing with vivid imagery.

Now, I'm still anticipating chapter 13. DUNDUNDUN!!!

ILOVEYOU!!!:hug:

Ugh, lucky, 6 ages of comments for an original story. I am hoping I can accomplish that with Cherry Soda Boy. I only have two for five chapters. I can see where it can be discouraging to want to post stories on here, but you shouldn't let it get you down. You are a fantastic writer.

I like this story alot, and I am going to subscribe to it just so I can finish reading it during the winter session (22 days! No work! No School!) So, I will definatly get to catching up! Maybe I will do it tonight instead of doing homework XD YAY ANother reason to procrastinate!

ANYWAY, the review. Sorry I ramble. I really like the way you wrote this. At first I thought it was gonna be alot like Cherry Soda Boy, but I can already tell it was not only a completely different approach but a completely different writing style. Yours was...I can't even explain it. It may not have been AS flirty with alot of ajectives and metaphors (at least at this ppoint), but it really pin pointed the emotions this boy was going through, that you really didn't need flirty words. The only thing that kind of drew me out of the story was how abrupt his wavering emotions came. Almost forced. But that was only in the beginning, once you got towards the end, they came more naturally.

So, really, great job! I am definatly going to continue reading once finals are over :)

Erm... If you read it fully you'd know that Chase was teaching Brad the wrong thing on purpose. :shifty

I know all of the functions and parts of a cell.

EDIT: But thank you though.

i just skim read this all the way through. just a quick brainstorm of thoughts:

your voice is nice, you sound like an 18-year old kid, but you've got enough vocabulary and writing technique to keep the narrative going.

I would say that in some places i felt a bit rushed, like you were so eager to get on with the plot you weren't dwelling on places that could have deserved slightly more attention. Don't be afraid of lingering on the key points, atmosphere will keep a reader reading just as much as a fast-moving plotline.

On a similar note, while you've handled the subject INCREDIBLY well, i felt that your jock character flipped over pretty fucking fast. I would have expected a bit more soul-searching, a bit more fear and anger at the situation.

Quote

"Alright. So what is mitochondria?"

"Mitochondria is like the tail of the cell."

"Good."

um, no. As someone who has studied molecular cell biology to degree level, i have to correct you here: Mitochondria [which is the plural of 'mitochindrion', and so you should say 'what ARE mitochondria'] are not tails of cells. they are the 'powerhouses', where glucose is converted into energy.
Flagellae are the 'tails' of bacteria, if that's the word you're looking for.

Moving on, your characterisation is very very good, they're very believable, and you keep the reader with you very well, creating nice word-images and blending humour in with the darker side of things really well.

So yeah, a couple of tiny niggles, but very well done.

Chapter 12

I think Bradshaw is one of those people who just don't care. He probably does not have many friends because he seems to be the type of person who gets tired of people quicky. "I got over Taylor." For Brad to get over Taylor, a childhood friend, just like that, a friend whose he has probably fought thousands of times, especially over a girl means that he probaly never liked him in the first place.

"He was a good friend while it lasted. Funny how upset I was over the situation, considering I didn't even like Sadie." Brad is fake and relatively unemotional. Most guys are like "bros b4 hoes", but their friendship is over because Taylor did it with a girl he never even liked. He is done with it. End of story. Taylor is an ignorant friend that he needed an excuse to kick to the curb. "I shuddered just thinking about her. Her smell. Her taste. Her touch. It repulsed me. Soft, strawberry scented neck and bland to the taste buds. Long blond hair that always smelled of kiwi shampoo. Disgusting." Perfect. This is definitely how my gay friends I have feel about women. They want the sensation they get from a musky, hairy, muscular atmosphere, which is what football provides for Brad.

"Correct! You moaned too obnoxiously when we had sex, your teeth scraped against my dick when you attempt to give head, and you're tits aren't that big. All in all. Fucking you is like fucking a rabid bobcat." Hilarious...I'm tired.

Good job!

Chapter 11
Good job of incorporating humor. "I'm not a football, you know."

I liked this sentence. Really deep.
"That feeling of knowing who you are though it may only last for a fraction of a instant is the most invigorating sense you'd ever feel your entire life." A fraction of an instant...I like that. Unexpected. This is the gayest thing he has said the whole story. He finally is changing...

Again, humor. "Are you kidding me? Haven't you noticed that our little hick-ass town is full of fag haters?" I ran my fingertips through my hair. "If anyone ever found out..." I also appreciate the language. It is very real. It really sounds like a Northern Florida town.

I love how real this story is sounding; it sounds like it's been based off a true story. The drama/conflict in the last update has got me wondering what's going to happen in the next update.

Gah, now I have to wait.

O_O

No.
No.
No.

Can't you have the perfection last for a bit longer?
XD Of course not.

You're amazing.

And, x] proof read the chapter again, there were some typos in there. I think in the first and the last paragraph mostly.

Okay.

Is someone psychic?
He daren't abuse Chase. :grr:

The description in the last lines blew me away again. Realistic, perfect imagery.

Now I really dread what's gonna happen next...

I'm in love with Chase.
I love him a lot.
:hug:


But now I anticipate some horrible twist...