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AN - Just as warning this chappie can be quite harding...reduced a couple of my close mates to tears when they read this so yeah...there's your warning that's all your getting.................

“I won’t do the tour without him. I just can’t do it.” Gerard said solemnly. Mikey sighed and put a reassuring hand on his brother’s shoulder.

“Gerard...I know it sucks. We all know, but what about the fans, if we cancel this tour they’re gonna need some kind of explanation. I don’t think Frank is ready for that.”

“Talking about me?” The rest of the band immediately turned their heads up to see Frank walking down the stairs, a black beanie on his head. Gerard immediately got to his feet. “Frank. Hey. How you feeling today?”

“I’m fine Gee.” Gerard came to the bottom of the stairs, to help him should he fall at any point. “Really.” He added in an unsubtle hint to get Gerard to back off. Which he did. Frank sat down next to Ray and Gerard took up his seat next to Mikey again. “I want to tell them.”

The bluntness of Frank’s statement shocked the group. No-one spoke so Frank continued. “The fans have a right to know. Plus when you go on tour, they’ll all wonder where I am and we can’t bullshit for long without someone smelling a rat somewhere.”

“But Frank...surely...” Frank held up his hand and silenced Bob. “Sorry guys but I’ve made my decision on this.”

Gerard nodded his approval before looking around at the rest of his band mates. “And on the subject of tour. I vote you guys go.” Frank said. Gerard frowned, looking at Frank. It was when Frank couldn’t hold his gaze and averted his eyes that he knew; Frank didn’t want them to go...he just didn’t know how to tell them that.

“We’ll leave that decision for another time, yeah Frankie? Come on, we need to go to the hospital now anyway.” Gerard got to his feet and grabbed his car keys off the side. “Okay...Let’s go.” Frank gave a weak smile before following Gerard out the door.
***
After a moment or two in the car, Frank switched on the CD and smiled as Smashing Pumpkins came blaring out. It took Gerard a minute or so before he reached forward and turned it off. “Gee? What’d you do that for?? I was listening to that!”

“I know...but I need to talk to you...I know this is hard for you Frankie...it is for all of us...but I...” Frank rolled his eyes. “Oh save it Gee okay?! I’ve had it all from Brandon already! I do not need you lecturing me about all this!! I’m fine!!”

“Well you’re obviously NOT fine ‘cause otherwise you wouldn’t be yelling at me, when you know I’m only talking to you about this because I care!!” This took Frank off-guard and caused him to go into a stunned silence. “Gee...I...”

“It’s okay Frank. I get it. I just...I wish you’d talk to me...talk to someone about everything...”

“I’m talking to Brandon...” Frank meekly tried to defend himself.

“That’s not the same...and it’s not what I mean. I want to understand what you’re going through Frankie...we all do.” This caused the rage in Frank to flare up again. “Well you can’t understand...no matter how hard you try.”

The rest of the journey was spent in silence and the next word Frank spoke, no matter how much Gerard tried to coax him, was to tell Gerard he wanted to go into the treatment room, alone.
***
When they walked in, Frank paid no mind to his other 3 band mates still sitting in the living room, just walked up the stairs straight to his room. “Frank! Wait!” Gerard tried to call after him but he didn’t silence. He slammed his door and locked it, before flopping down on his bed with a sigh.

He sat up a moment or two later and glanced around his room. Pansy was sitting in her stand in the corner. His music had always been his emotional outlet before but right now he just wasn’t sure even that could help him deal fully with the turmoil inside of his head.

It was then that he noticed the video camera on his desk opposite him. After a moment’s contemplation he stood up and walked over, beginning to set it up. A moment later he sat down on his bed, the remote in his hand. He took off his beanie, rubbing his hand over the head, feeling the scratching of his very short, course hair. Then pressed a button.
***
An hour and a half later and Gerard walked back into the living room, 4 steaming coffees in his hands. “Here you go guys.” He said, handing them round, small murmured ‘thank you’s uttered his way.

“So we can do a press conference, no matter what.” Ray said as Gerard sat down. “And maybe a couple of interviews?” Mikey interjected. The group nodded.

“I guess whether Frankie feels he wants to be there for any of that is up to him.” Bob said with a small sigh. “Did he say anything when you went up there earlier?” He looked to Ray.

“Pretty much nothing. When I offered him some lunch, he just said he wasn’t hungry.”

Frank sighed, listening to his friend’s talk from where he was standing at the top of the stairs. He knew they were just worried for him, he knew this had an affect on them as well. I mean, they were his best friends; they were like brothers to him. He glanced down at the CD case in his hand. That’s why he had done this.

He walked slowly but precisely down the steps. As he entered, silence overcame the room. He walked up to the coffee table and placed the DVD on the surface. He turned to Gerard. “You said you wanted to understand what I was going through...this might help...” Then he turned and exited the room, a single tear running silently down his cheek.
***
Gerard looked from each person in the room, to the DVD in the centre of the table and then back again. No-one moved, not an inch. It was then that Ray got to his feet and picked it up before walking to the TV. Not a sound was heard except for the whir of machinery coming to life as the disk was placed in the Player. A moment or two later, Frank’s face flickered on to screen. He had his hat off, so his shaven head was revealed. “So...I’ve got Cancer...” There was a short pause. “God, it sounds weird saying that out loud...and the truth is...I may act like I’m fine, but really...everyday I’m just dying a little more inside, metaphorically as well as physically.” He gave a small forced laugh at this. Mikey hiccupped a sob and Gerard glanced at him but then fixed his eyes back on the screen.

“Yeah...so...I guess I’m telling you this by DVD mainly because I don’t think I could deal with it face to face. Dealing with this, you guys have to understand, that a lot of the time, I do ended up thinking. That’s why I want to go to the chemo by myself. It’s my chance to mull things over. My chance to try and put some of the pieces of my life back together, and that is something I just have to do on my own.

“There are days...when I feel like I’m ready to beat this thing, determined to survive but then there are...other days...days when...I feel like never getting out of bed again...” It was then that Gerard felt Mikey begin to shake against him and looking at him. He realised that Mikey was crying, he pulled his close and Mikey cried into his chest, he just couldn’t bare to watch any longer, but he did continue to listen.

“You guys are my best friends in the whole world, always remember that...I don’t know what I’d do without you and no matter how I may act some times, it’s you guys that are keeping me going...You’re my light at the end of the tunnel...” There was a long pause here and Gerard felt wetness on his cheeks and realised he’d begun to cry as well. “Yeah well...I guess I’ve said all I wanted to say...just do me a favour yeah? Don’t just come upstairs and hug me when you’ve finished watching this. If any of you did that...I think I’d probably just break down.” Frank stopped her as his voice started to break. “And...I’d...probably...never stop...” he stuttered out this last sentence between erratically spaced sobs. Gerard gripped Mikey closer to him, bending his head down and pressing a kiss to the top of his head. God knows what he would of done if it had been Mikey in this situation. He looked up and saw Ray and Bob also looked teary eyed.

“I hope...that this helps...just...know that I...want to beat this...I just don’t know if I can...”