Sleeping With Giants

I watched with mixed emotions as Ryan followed Brendon out the door and into the hallway busy with nurses and technicians. I wanted Ryan to stay, to hold my hand and tell me everything would be alright. I wanted Brendon to run far away from here, back to his old life and back to a time where things were simple. He should be happy being back, not upset by a practical stranger. My breath caught in my throat. I wouldn’t hurt someone at my expense.

My father reached for my hand, trying to be concerned. Maybe he was, maybe he was genuinely scared this time. Most likely not, so I pulled my arm out from under his grasp. I didn’t need his paternal protection, not now of all times. This is nothing compared to years before. I don’t even feel anything new this time. Just the same old pain from any other day. Any other day I would accept this gesture as sweet, but today it was an annoyance to me, like a fly buzzing that I want to swat away. Unfortunately, I did not have the energy to swat my father. I bet Doctor Levingston would have loved that.

“I realize that Kay is a minor, but I was wondering if I would be able to talk to her privately. You may watch from the window, if that concerns you. I can have the nurse fill you in out there, also, if you wish.” The Doc smiled at my parents in the charming fashion that could dazzle the pants off anyone. I supposed he had a natural bedside manner.

My parents looked at each other, and for the first time since the mutual divorce, they agreed without an argument. They stood and followed the doctor out the door and up to the nurses’ station for a full report on my health status. They would know what I did wrong at about the same time I did, and I knew I would have to avoid looking through the window so I wouldn’t have to see the anger and disgust on their faces. They were the usual emotions for my “problems.” They wanted to blame me and only me for whatever happened.

But this time I would tell them exactly how much of it was their fault.

“We have quite a bit to discuss, young lady,” Doctor Levingston sat back down at my side. He looked me directly in the eye and I knew there was no way around the truth today. My body gave me away.

“I am sure that you are smarter than this Kay. You are lucky you weren’t alone in your room when you blacked out. By the looks of those two out there, I’m sure they don’t regularly check in on you. What exactly did you want to accomplish by mixing a higher dosage of medication with alcohol?”

I cringed. I knew my parents wouldn’t have found me…but I hadn’t remembered taking the medication and I didn’t remember drinking. Ryan wouldn’t have known either. I hold myself well under the influence and I keep my medication regiments to myself for good reason. This reason. What am I supposed to tell him now?

“I don’t even remember mixing them…” I mumbled.

“You realize we have to inform your parents of all the details?”

“Yes, sir.” I couldn’t even look up through my misty eyes. I was terrified to know what was waiting for me beyond that glass window. I just imagined my mother’s nostrils flaring and fire blazing behind her dark eyes. My father would be silently brooding over the news, not much emotion playing with his features. He would wait until we got home to show what he thought.

“You also realize they may send you to more shrink visits as well, right?”

Now I looked up.

“You’re kidding me?! Please say that is a joke.”

“Most likely not, Kay.” He shook his head and rolled up his sleeves. He rested his elbows on the side of my bed and his chin in his hands. The doctor was now at the patient’s level.

“What’s going on at home? What made you come back here?” His eyes were intense and his stare scared me a bit.

“Uh,” I stammered. I wasn’t sure exactly how much I should tell him. Would he think that the tip of the iceberg was just some trivial nonsense, or a legitimate problem?

“My parents…are getting a divorce. My best friend can’t escape getting bruises from his father. I am having nightmares again. My tea-“

“Nightmares? You are having them again? Kay, honey, that is the first thing that you should have told me.” He interrupted.

“But that’s the kind of thing I discuss with the shrink. Not the hospital doc. My life has just been getting more and more stressful with each passing day. It’s like a runaway car that I can’t stop.” I sighed. He seemed more concerned that my regular Freud and he was a lot easier on the eyes.

Doctor Levingston nodded and sighed along with me.

“I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you that slipping into oblivion isn’t the answer. I’m sure you don’t want to hear that life will get better eventually. Sometimes it doesn’t.”

He was pacing now, back and forth, muttering about the future and some obscure medicine brands. It worried me that he was worried. I didn’t want him to feel any more necessary emotion than his job described.