Everything in Transit

Kay didn't sleep that night.

Not for one minute.

She had attempted everything. She'd counted sheep until she'd actually lost track, she had even lit an aromatherapy candle and eventually she even ran out of incense sticks. She attempted yoga breathing but nothing helped. She was exhausted but yet sleep wouldn’t come to her.

Maybe it had to do with the fact that she hated sleeping in Elaine's apartment. It felt wrong and so completely inappropriate. She was beginning to freak out. Every time when she wanted to shower or use the toilet, she would have to use the tiny bathroom that was part of the guest room ensuite. She couldn't bring herself to use the main bathroom. The image of her sister taking pills and dying in her bath made Kay feel sick to the stomach.

In fact it was this feeling that Kay had to live with every day of the week. A sickness that ate her up, a sickness that grew every time she looked at Corrine, knowing that she wasn't her daughter and that was going to have to be her mother.

It was about two in the morning when Kay finally gave up on sleep.

She slipped into her uggs again, the shoes that John ridiculed and never failed to make a stupid remark on when Kay wore them. She then reached for her jumper that she had tossed on the chair and tip toed out of her room, past the guest room where John had collapsed onto the bed, still clutching little baby Corrine close to him.

At this thought Kay couldn't help but let a wide smile spread across her tiered face.

It was the first time that John saw Corrine. He hadn't been there at her birth and so Kay was overjoyed that she was the person to witness his reaction to his daughter, even if it made her heart sting a little.

Eventually Kay made it to the balcony door and slide the glass door to one side, letting the soft autumn breeze hit her bare legs. The fresh air was a relief after having attempted sleeping in an over scented room.

Walking up to the rail, Kay then rested her elbows on the cool steel, gazing over Tempe's city lights.

Taking a deep breath in she willed that all her emotions would take flight and give her just a moment of relief from all the pressure that was slowly but surely beginning to suffocate her.

Just when the tears were about to start rolling down her cheeks, Kay heard the glass door slide back slowly and the pat of bare feet sounded from behind her. Quickly rubbing her cheeks with the sleeve of her oversized jumper Kay span around and almost collided with John's chest.

"Thought it was you," he said with a weary smile. "Can't sleep?"

Kay just shook her head and instinctively was about the proceed to ask where baby Corrine was when John almost read her mind,

"I was putting Corrine in her cot and saw the light on, so I thought I'd check up on you," John said softly still smiling down at Kay, but when he looked into her eyes, really looked into her eyes, he could tell that his smiles didn't reach her.

"You ok?" He shot at her as she awkwardly fiddled with her hair and jumper, anything to avoid looking at John.

She was about to say no, but she knew that John wouldn't buy that. So instead for the first time in a long time Kay opted for the truth.

"No I'm not ok," Kay said with a strangled voice as she turned away from John to look out at Tempe again, the lights shining and twinkling as if to send their support to her. "I'm not ok John," she said and suddenly the tears rolled down her cheeks and dropped onto the navy blue jumper leaving tiny spots.

John had never seen Kay cry. Never. It wasn't what she did. From what he had heard she hadn't even cried at the funeral, it didn't surprise him. Kay wasn't like that. She was strong and could get through every situation by herself.

However it seemed that what she had to face now would break her. She couldn't be the girl that she always was. It would be impossible for her.

Seeing Kay standing there, so thin and so worn out he realised for the first time how sad and lonely she looked. The tears sat there on her cheeks like precious little pearls, gleaming but sad in their beauty. John took a step closer to her and pulled her closer to him, placing both arms securely around her. The human contact was what she had been craving so badly. It had been months since someone had held her that close.

With John holding her close she sobbed and sobbed, until she couldn't physically cry anymore.

"I can't do this John, I can't," she cried hysterically into his chest. "I can't be a mother I just can't but you can't be a father either you need to go on tours you need to go sing to people you can't take a baby on a tour bus but I can't take Corrine to LA either..."

All the thoughts that had been chasing each other around Kay's pretty head finally broke free and poured out of her hysterical mouth, leaving John genuinely shocked and worried because everything that Kay said made sense, even though it hurt admitting it.

"Come on Kay let's get you inside you're freezing," John said and he gently led her back into her heated apartment, closing the glass door behind him, shutting out the wind that had suddenly picked up and become harsher.

He steered Kay towards her sofa and made her sit down. He walked into the guest bedroom and came back with the duvet that had been laid out on the guest bed. Rather than her own duvet, which reeked of aromatherapy candles, this duvet smelt ever so slightly of John, a scent that she found comforting more than anything.

Exhaustion suddenly hit Kay and she lay down on the sofa, curling up into a tiny ball, tucking her feet under each other and pressing her arms close to her chest. She tried to make herself as small as possible, as if she just wanted to disappear. With worry written all over his face, John gently lowered the duvet over Kay, tucking it in around her closely. Kay's eyes shut and for a second she almost looked content.

John was about to leave when a soft hand caught hold of his.

"Don't go, please?" Kay almost begged in a whisper.

John looked back down at her, and once he looked into her eyes he didn't have the heart to say no.

That night Kay fell asleep securely in the arms of John and for the first time in two months she had a peaceful nights sleep. Sometimes she thought that she should be worried about the calming effect that John had over her, she was scared of becoming too dependant on him; after all he was the father of her sister's child, and a singer a band that had big things in front of them.

Kay couldn't rely on John to always be there, but she knew that it would be hell again when he had to go.