In This Together
Chapter Two
I'm snarling out every swear I've ever heard as I nearly sprint to the front door. Cursing again at having to be held up, I disarm the alarm and unlock the door. I hear the loud sobbing as soon as I'm inside, rushing towards them.
Nicholas is sitting in a corner with tears streaked down his blotchy cheeks when I find him. I imagine him wandering around the house, searching for me and finding himself alone.
"Nick, I'm here." I drop down next to him, sitting flat so I can drag him over into my lap. "I'm here now. I'm sorry I was late, but I'm here now."
He buries his face in my neck, too far gone to stop crying just at my arrival. I cradle him in my arms, rocking him back and forth and trying to distract him.
"Hey, hey. You're not alone, okay? It's alright, i'll be here with you all day. I won't make you go to school today. I'll call Miss Kathryn and tell her you're not coming, okay? Look at me." I gently grip his chin to turn his face towards mine. "We'll stay at home. We'll play games and watch Indiana Jones. Don't cry anymore, okay?"
He looks at me as I wipe his cheeks dry. "Can I set the alarm?"
I nod, smiling at him. "Of course you can. Go set it and I'll pour us some cereal."
"It's Tuesday," he reminds me.
"I know it is." We stand and I head towards the kitchen, glancing back to check on him as he walks to the door. I run my fingers through my hair, knowing i'll find another gray one soon enough. It's hard to hide how much the stress takes its toll on me.
I reach for the Honey Bunches of Oats- my favorite- with the 'Tuesday Cereal' label. It's the second in a line of six boxes with similar labels fro Monday through Saturday. I pour two bowls- purple bowls, for breakfast time- and measure out exactly one and a half cups of milk for each. I'm not risking upsetting Nick again.
He's smiling when he joins me in the kitchen, taking his bowl- which is always whatever bowl is on the left- and sitting down at the table. We eat quietly and I take him to brush his teeth and help get him dressed. He doesn't need the added distress of accidently putting something on backwards.
Once he's settled in the living room, I head to the kitchen to call Kathryn. The woman annoys the hell out of me, but at least she makes school easier for Nick. I inform her of the situation and explain that my brother won't be there today.
Nick is setting up Monopoly when I join him in the living room. With anyone else, the game would last until we were bored and moved on to something else. With Nick, it has to be finished. It lasts all through the movie, so I switch in the second one as he reaches for the chess board. He wins all nine games easily before lunch. I honestly try to win, but he's a strategic genius when it comes to that game.
Sandwiches for lunch, with the exact amount of his favorite ingredients put on in the correct order. He seems to be content as he eats, and I sincerely hope the day continues to go smoothly.
When he finishes eating, he wants to organize. He takes all of the books off of the bookshelf, sorting them into alphabetical order by title. I seize the opportunity to have some quiet reading time, sitting in the room with him and exchanging some occasional chatter.
I'm too focused on the story to realize he's approaching until he takes the book out of my hands. "Hey! Nick, I was reading that."
He shrugs. "I have to put it on the bookshelf. It goes here, see?" He demonstrates by setting the book in its new place on the shelf.
"But I was reading it." I stand up, knowing this could cause a fight but also knowing I need to say no to him more often. Taking the book back off the shelf, I explain, "You can't just take things away from people when they're using them. It isn't nice."
"But that's where it goes, Joe!" He frowned, thrusting his finger at the bookshelf. "Put it back!"
"No, Nicholas. I was reading it, and I'll put it back when I'm finished with it. I'm using it right now."
The tantrum only lasted fifteen minutes. I get him calm, and suggest a walk to the park. We hold hands as we go, and i'm internally disappointed in myself. There was a time when I would scold myself for feeling the way I do when my skin touches Nick's. I spent so long trying to deny it, supress it, change it. To come to a point where i'm able to just accept that I have unorthodox feelings for my brother is almost depressing. If only it didn't make me feel so good.
The park is no different than any other time. He watches the playground and I watch him. I suggest he goes to play and he refuses. He just sits, the wind blowing through his hair with the natural background making him look even more beautiful.
Trips to the park are always when I feel it most.
I'm able to ignore it again when we're back at home and I jump into my book again while he plays his GameBoy. He occasionally shows me the screen to tell me where he is in his game. I nod and congratulate him on his accomplishments whenever he shows me a level he's completed or a major boss he's vanquished.
I make tacos for dinner, the meat and seasoning filling the air with a mouth-watering smell as they sizzle in the pan. We each have two, stuffing our flour tortillas with cheese, salsa, and shredded lettuce. It's one of his favorite meals.
We settle in the living room again; he watches the Discovery Channel while I comb through his curls. He showers and gets ready for bed, setting his alarm clock for 6:23. I read him a story out of habit- back when our parents first passed, he struggled to deal with not only the loss, but also the amount of change. Change wasn't easy for him, but the bedtime stories relaxed him so he could sleep.
I kiss his forehead when he's asleep and make my way to my own room. I reflect on the day as I climb into bed. It had been a struggle. I never know when Nick will freak out at something, and it makes me so careful. It's stress, it's a day of looking for work being wasted, and it's another missed day that Nick will have to make up in school.
But as I consider how much one-on-one time I've had with my brother today, with the boy it makes no sense for me to love like I do, I can't find it in myself to wish it hadn't happened.
Nicholas is sitting in a corner with tears streaked down his blotchy cheeks when I find him. I imagine him wandering around the house, searching for me and finding himself alone.
"Nick, I'm here." I drop down next to him, sitting flat so I can drag him over into my lap. "I'm here now. I'm sorry I was late, but I'm here now."
He buries his face in my neck, too far gone to stop crying just at my arrival. I cradle him in my arms, rocking him back and forth and trying to distract him.
"Hey, hey. You're not alone, okay? It's alright, i'll be here with you all day. I won't make you go to school today. I'll call Miss Kathryn and tell her you're not coming, okay? Look at me." I gently grip his chin to turn his face towards mine. "We'll stay at home. We'll play games and watch Indiana Jones. Don't cry anymore, okay?"
He looks at me as I wipe his cheeks dry. "Can I set the alarm?"
I nod, smiling at him. "Of course you can. Go set it and I'll pour us some cereal."
"It's Tuesday," he reminds me.
"I know it is." We stand and I head towards the kitchen, glancing back to check on him as he walks to the door. I run my fingers through my hair, knowing i'll find another gray one soon enough. It's hard to hide how much the stress takes its toll on me.
I reach for the Honey Bunches of Oats- my favorite- with the 'Tuesday Cereal' label. It's the second in a line of six boxes with similar labels fro Monday through Saturday. I pour two bowls- purple bowls, for breakfast time- and measure out exactly one and a half cups of milk for each. I'm not risking upsetting Nick again.
He's smiling when he joins me in the kitchen, taking his bowl- which is always whatever bowl is on the left- and sitting down at the table. We eat quietly and I take him to brush his teeth and help get him dressed. He doesn't need the added distress of accidently putting something on backwards.
Once he's settled in the living room, I head to the kitchen to call Kathryn. The woman annoys the hell out of me, but at least she makes school easier for Nick. I inform her of the situation and explain that my brother won't be there today.
Nick is setting up Monopoly when I join him in the living room. With anyone else, the game would last until we were bored and moved on to something else. With Nick, it has to be finished. It lasts all through the movie, so I switch in the second one as he reaches for the chess board. He wins all nine games easily before lunch. I honestly try to win, but he's a strategic genius when it comes to that game.
Sandwiches for lunch, with the exact amount of his favorite ingredients put on in the correct order. He seems to be content as he eats, and I sincerely hope the day continues to go smoothly.
When he finishes eating, he wants to organize. He takes all of the books off of the bookshelf, sorting them into alphabetical order by title. I seize the opportunity to have some quiet reading time, sitting in the room with him and exchanging some occasional chatter.
I'm too focused on the story to realize he's approaching until he takes the book out of my hands. "Hey! Nick, I was reading that."
He shrugs. "I have to put it on the bookshelf. It goes here, see?" He demonstrates by setting the book in its new place on the shelf.
"But I was reading it." I stand up, knowing this could cause a fight but also knowing I need to say no to him more often. Taking the book back off the shelf, I explain, "You can't just take things away from people when they're using them. It isn't nice."
"But that's where it goes, Joe!" He frowned, thrusting his finger at the bookshelf. "Put it back!"
"No, Nicholas. I was reading it, and I'll put it back when I'm finished with it. I'm using it right now."
The tantrum only lasted fifteen minutes. I get him calm, and suggest a walk to the park. We hold hands as we go, and i'm internally disappointed in myself. There was a time when I would scold myself for feeling the way I do when my skin touches Nick's. I spent so long trying to deny it, supress it, change it. To come to a point where i'm able to just accept that I have unorthodox feelings for my brother is almost depressing. If only it didn't make me feel so good.
The park is no different than any other time. He watches the playground and I watch him. I suggest he goes to play and he refuses. He just sits, the wind blowing through his hair with the natural background making him look even more beautiful.
Trips to the park are always when I feel it most.
I'm able to ignore it again when we're back at home and I jump into my book again while he plays his GameBoy. He occasionally shows me the screen to tell me where he is in his game. I nod and congratulate him on his accomplishments whenever he shows me a level he's completed or a major boss he's vanquished.
I make tacos for dinner, the meat and seasoning filling the air with a mouth-watering smell as they sizzle in the pan. We each have two, stuffing our flour tortillas with cheese, salsa, and shredded lettuce. It's one of his favorite meals.
We settle in the living room again; he watches the Discovery Channel while I comb through his curls. He showers and gets ready for bed, setting his alarm clock for 6:23. I read him a story out of habit- back when our parents first passed, he struggled to deal with not only the loss, but also the amount of change. Change wasn't easy for him, but the bedtime stories relaxed him so he could sleep.
I kiss his forehead when he's asleep and make my way to my own room. I reflect on the day as I climb into bed. It had been a struggle. I never know when Nick will freak out at something, and it makes me so careful. It's stress, it's a day of looking for work being wasted, and it's another missed day that Nick will have to make up in school.
But as I consider how much one-on-one time I've had with my brother today, with the boy it makes no sense for me to love like I do, I can't find it in myself to wish it hadn't happened.