In This Together

I'm too cowardly to make a move, but I can't stop staring. Everything about him only becomes more desirable as I try to find the confidence to tell him. And I still have other questions- would it be fair to him? Would he understand enough to know what he wants? I've always defended him, knowing that he's more normal than most tend to think. He's still a person, and a beautiful one- if only people could see what I see. But I can't deny that he does function differently. Would I be taking advantage? Would he feel pressured, or just not know what he was doing?

He struggles daily with normal relationships, and I can't decide whether or not I'd be making that even harder for him. We've never discussed romance, and I have no idea whether or not he's considered such a concept for himself.

"Joe? Are you going to get that?" I notice he looks anxious, and it's only then that I hear the phone ringing. He doesn't like it when it goes unanswered.

I nod and jump up from the table, going to the kitchen to retrieve the phone from the reciever. It's Kathryn, and what she has to say shocks me.

I hang up the phone after a short conversation, slowly walking back into the dining room. Nick is innocently eating his macaroni- the image of a perfect little angel.

I know better.

"That was Miss Kathryn," I tell him, and he nods, stuffing another forkful of noodles passed his lips. "Were you planning on telling me about school today?"

"No." He takes a break to offer the single syllable before occupying himself with his dinner again.

"Nicholas, we've talked about this. You know better than to hit the other kids at school." He doesn't answer, and I give him a firm expression. "No television tonight."

He drops his fork, which clatters on the floor. "What?!"

"No TV, Nick. I can't tolerate behavior like this. There is never a reason to hurt people who haven't hurt you."

"This isn't fair!" He's in tears, which I expected. I know it's not just that he's having a privelege taken away- I'm breaking routine.

"This is fair," I insist. "Miss Kathryn said you broke his nose. You know what? No TV for a week."

He starts to sob, which makes my heart ache. I have to be strong if I want him to learn. "That's n-not f-fair, Joe!"

I don't want him to hyperventilate, so I walk around to stand behind him. I run my fingers through his hair, which has always relaxed him.

He stops crying after a few minutes, reduced to sniffles and small hiccups. I lean down to kiss the top of his hair.

"Why, Nick? Why would you do that?"

He sniffles again before answering. "He pulled my hair, and he called me... he called me retarded."

I blink, wanting to hit the fucker myself now. I try to stay calm for Nick's sake, massaging his scalp with my fingertips.

"Miss Kathryn said not to call people that word, even if they are. She said mentally challenged was a nicer word." He looks up at me. "Am I mentally challenged, Joe?"

"No, baby, no." I shake my head quickly. "You're very smart. You understand things in math and science that it would take me years to learn." I'm quiet for a moment. "You're different than them. That scares them, makes them mean."

"Why am I different?"

I sigh, wrapping my arms around his shoulders. "Because God made you that way. He wanted you to be special."

"That doesn't make sense, Joe. People are mean because I'm special. Kevin's mean. Why would God do that? He's supposed to love me."

There comes a point where I can't think of answers to his questions, and we've reached it. I rub his shoulders and kiss his curls. "Finish your macaroni so you can get ready for bed."

"What about Discovery Channel?"

I shake my head. "I said no TV."

He frowns, his eyebrows furrowing. I can't help myself.

"Three days," I ammend, and he nods.

"I'm sorry I hit him," he tells me once he's finished with his meal. I sigh.

"Me too. She told me you're suspended for two days. I'll have to take some of my sick days, I guess." I rub my eyes. "You can't do this again, Nick. We can't afford for me to get fired because I'm taking time off to watch you."

"I know." He takes his bowl to the kitchen to wash it out, and I follow.

"Straight to bed tonight," I tell him, leading the way to his bathroom. "No story."

I hear him whimper, but he doesn't argue. He takes his shower, and I see to it that he doesn't waste time before getting in bed. I tuck him in and kiss his forehead before heading back to my room.

I climb into my own bed, feeling tense. I don't bother setting my alarm- Nick will wake me up when he gets up on time. I think about the call I'll have to make to get the day off work and grow more anxious. I know I could use a little something to mellow myself out.

My hand slips into my boxers and I think of Nick. I picture his face, imagine kissing his lips and feeling his bare skin against mine. No sexual content crosses my mind- just the idea of him is enough to make me shiver.

Before too long, I'm really ready to go. My hand moves faster under the sheets, causing me to pant and squirm against the mattress. I'm getting so close, and it feels so good, and Nick...

Nick is standing in my doorway. My heart races even faster as I scramble into a sitting position, making sure I'm covered. The blankets form a tent in my lap, and I swallow nervously. I've never been caught pleasuring myself before.

"Wh... Why aren't you in bed?" I ask, once I can find my voice. My heart is still pounding in my chest.

"I couldn't sleep without a story." He flips on the light and I see him blink. "You were touching your penis."

I consider denying it, but as I'm fully stiff, I don't think it would work. "Yes," I confirm.

"Are you sexually active?" He looks curious, which is better than accusing or disgusted. "Miss Kathryn says your penis gets like that when you're having sex. She said I shouldn't touch mine if it gets like that, though."

I roll my eyes- of course she would say that. "You can touch it, when it happens again. It's okay, and it feels good."

"It does? You looked like it hurt."

I shake my head quickly. "No, sweetheart. You just have to do it in private, at home. In your room." I notice he's holding a book. "Do you want me to read to you?"

He nods, hurrying in to sit next to me. He hands me the book and I find the place where we left off.

"I'm not sexually active, by the way," I mention. "You have to be having sex with other people to be considered sexually active. I'm not."

He nods to show he understands. "Because you don't have a girlfriend or a wife to have sex with. Why don't you?"

"Because I have to take care of you," I answer honestly. He frowns.

"That doesn't seem fair. Kevin has girlfriends. Boys at school have girlfriends. They look happy with them, except when they fight. And I don't think you'd fight with a girl. You're nice." He blushes. "When they kiss... That looks fun, too."

I nod. "Yeah, kisses are good. You've never kissed anyone, have you?"

He shakes his head. "No. I used to want to kiss you a lot, but Miss Kathryn said not to think like that."

"You... wanted to kis me?"

"Yeah. You're pretty, and your lips look soft. I think you'd be nice to kiss. And you're funny, and sweet, and you have nice eyes. I like your voice, too. Sometimes when... down there goes up, it's after I'm thinking about you." He shrugs. "But you can't be my girlfriend because you're not a girl and you're my brother."

I stare at him, shocked. "No, I'm not a girl. But I do... care about you very much. More than a brother should, does that make sense?"

He nods. "But you're a boy. And I'm a boy."

"And sometimes boys have boyfriends, instead of girlfriends," I tell him.

"Miss Kathryn says those people are bad."

"And sometimes you shouldn't listen to what Miss Kathryn says." I cup his face in my h ands. "Nicholas, would it make you happy? If you got to kiss me? If you got to be someone's boyfriend?"

"If I got to kiss you, yes. Are you going to be my boyfriend?"

I smile. "If you want me to be." He nods and I slowly lean in. "Then I will be. But you shouldn't tell Miss Kathryn, okay? She might make you live with Kevin if you do."

His eyes widen. "I won't tell!" he exclaims, and I laugh. It's sad that our older brother can be used as a threat, but also amusing. "I won't, I promise."

"I trust you. Close your eyes, okay?"

He obeys, and I move in closer until my lips touch his. The first kiss doesn't last long, but it's enough to cross over into new territory. He's smiling when I pull away, his brown eyes staring at me in wonder. I just pull him against my side, looking down at the book that's still open in my lap.

"Alright, now, where were we?"