Because You Said Forever
Part 21
“Okay, I'm listening." Joe says, pulling a few locks out of my face, tucking them softly behind my ear. His facial expression isn’t as harsh as it had been just a few moments earlier, which makes it somewhat easier to bring my issues up. But I don’t know where to start. I suck on my lip as I rack my brain for something to say.
“Well?" He says, looking me straight in the eye, as if he was trying to read my mind.
"I don't know...." I mumble awkwardly, starting to regret suggesting to talk to him. There's nothing I can say without him getting angry.
"Well, then, figure it out." His voice is now softer than it has been in weeks, maybe even months. "Because I was thinking," He then starts, changing the subject before I get the chance to speak. "Maybe we could go out for dinner this coming weekend? My treat." He smiles at me.
I think about it for a moment. He's probably just trying to change the subject, but I'm not feeling great about trying to talk to him right now. "That'd be nice." I give a weak smile.
Joe's smile widens and he leans in to catch my lips with his. He always does that, as if it's the answer to the whole world's problems. Despite the growing lump in my throat, I let him kiss me, but few seconds pass before I feel wetness on my cheek and I choke on nothing. Joe reels backwards. He gets up from my lap and just glares down on me, obviously upset. Crossing his arms over his chest, he finally speaks up. "Look, I can't take it anymore. You act like a whole different person every minute, Nick. What has gotten into you?" His voice is calm, but I can see that his happiness is slowly fading.
I press my fist into my eye. "I'm sorry. I'm just really upset." I choke on the word 'upset' and I'm crying pathetically now.
Joe flinches and in an instant he's kneeling by my side, stroking my cheek and wiping away some of my tears. "Nicky, Nicky sweetie…" He says soothingly, his fingers running down my cheek and down my neck.
“Don’t call me ‘sweetie’,” I say bitterly.
Joe takes his hands off of me, staring me down. "But you are my sweetie, Nicky." He tries the sweet-talking again. He knows it gets to me most of the times.
I shake my head, still rubbing at my eyes. "Then why do you date other people?"
We've had this conversation before and I know he hates when I bring it up, but I know I have to in order to change it. "Come on, Nick," He starts, using a whiney voice at first. "We both know that I can't just settle for you only." He stands up and pats my back lightly. "If it makes you feel any better, I haven't seen anyone but you for a while now."
“You would have if I hadn’t destroyed your straightener.”
I can see his face harden its features as I mention the incident from the other night. "Yeah, but you made sure that didn't happen, now, didn't you?"
I swallow, intimidated. "I hate it… you seeing other people."
"Yeah, so?" He raises an eyebrow at me. This was definitely not the reaction I was expecting from him. "You've known it for a long time now. And it's MY life, not yours." He snaps at me. I swallow, resisting the urge to sob that’s making my eyes sting and my nose tingle.
"Then..." I hesitate because I have to dry my face again. "Maybe I shouldn't be a part of it."
"Maybe you're right." He agrees, tilting his head to one side. "But, you'd be alone for the rest of your life, with NO ONE but yourself. No love, no intimacy, no safety." He leans down to my ear and whispers, "Would you really want that?"
A sob crawls up my throat and I start bawling. "N-no."
"Then stop testing my patience with all these false arguments, before you end up alone." His voice is low but harsh. I just keep crying, not finding the right words to say. He seems to notice, so he speaks up again. "So are we done with this crap now, or do you have anything else to add, Nick?" He stares down at me.
I look up at Joe, narrowing my eyes slightly. “You know what? I think we’re d-done. P-permanently.” I wince as soon as I get the words out, bracing myself for his reaction.
I watch Joe frown, a bolt of anger flashing in his eyes as my words strike him. "Done, huh?" He asks, but not giving me a chance to reply. His voice turns colder by the second. "Well, let me tell you something, Nicholas. I walk out that door and there'll be NO turning back, you hear me? Your life will be as empty as this apartment will be! You'll leave the only person who's ever loved you and you'll know it's all your fault."
I glare at Joe. “You never loved me. If you really did you’d stop doing all this. R-relationships are about love, and you sure don’t show me much of it.”
I can feel Joe losing it right here and now. He pulls me up on my feet, shoving me into the wall harshly. "You clearly know nothing about love!" He snarls, pinning my wrists to the wall behind me. "You're so ungrateful! I do everything for you! I took you in when you were abandoned and hated, showing you the kind of love you deserved, and THIS is how you repay me? By saying that I don't love you?"
“Well?" He says, looking me straight in the eye, as if he was trying to read my mind.
"I don't know...." I mumble awkwardly, starting to regret suggesting to talk to him. There's nothing I can say without him getting angry.
"Well, then, figure it out." His voice is now softer than it has been in weeks, maybe even months. "Because I was thinking," He then starts, changing the subject before I get the chance to speak. "Maybe we could go out for dinner this coming weekend? My treat." He smiles at me.
I think about it for a moment. He's probably just trying to change the subject, but I'm not feeling great about trying to talk to him right now. "That'd be nice." I give a weak smile.
Joe's smile widens and he leans in to catch my lips with his. He always does that, as if it's the answer to the whole world's problems. Despite the growing lump in my throat, I let him kiss me, but few seconds pass before I feel wetness on my cheek and I choke on nothing. Joe reels backwards. He gets up from my lap and just glares down on me, obviously upset. Crossing his arms over his chest, he finally speaks up. "Look, I can't take it anymore. You act like a whole different person every minute, Nick. What has gotten into you?" His voice is calm, but I can see that his happiness is slowly fading.
I press my fist into my eye. "I'm sorry. I'm just really upset." I choke on the word 'upset' and I'm crying pathetically now.
Joe flinches and in an instant he's kneeling by my side, stroking my cheek and wiping away some of my tears. "Nicky, Nicky sweetie…" He says soothingly, his fingers running down my cheek and down my neck.
“Don’t call me ‘sweetie’,” I say bitterly.
Joe takes his hands off of me, staring me down. "But you are my sweetie, Nicky." He tries the sweet-talking again. He knows it gets to me most of the times.
I shake my head, still rubbing at my eyes. "Then why do you date other people?"
We've had this conversation before and I know he hates when I bring it up, but I know I have to in order to change it. "Come on, Nick," He starts, using a whiney voice at first. "We both know that I can't just settle for you only." He stands up and pats my back lightly. "If it makes you feel any better, I haven't seen anyone but you for a while now."
“You would have if I hadn’t destroyed your straightener.”
I can see his face harden its features as I mention the incident from the other night. "Yeah, but you made sure that didn't happen, now, didn't you?"
I swallow, intimidated. "I hate it… you seeing other people."
"Yeah, so?" He raises an eyebrow at me. This was definitely not the reaction I was expecting from him. "You've known it for a long time now. And it's MY life, not yours." He snaps at me. I swallow, resisting the urge to sob that’s making my eyes sting and my nose tingle.
"Then..." I hesitate because I have to dry my face again. "Maybe I shouldn't be a part of it."
"Maybe you're right." He agrees, tilting his head to one side. "But, you'd be alone for the rest of your life, with NO ONE but yourself. No love, no intimacy, no safety." He leans down to my ear and whispers, "Would you really want that?"
A sob crawls up my throat and I start bawling. "N-no."
"Then stop testing my patience with all these false arguments, before you end up alone." His voice is low but harsh. I just keep crying, not finding the right words to say. He seems to notice, so he speaks up again. "So are we done with this crap now, or do you have anything else to add, Nick?" He stares down at me.
I look up at Joe, narrowing my eyes slightly. “You know what? I think we’re d-done. P-permanently.” I wince as soon as I get the words out, bracing myself for his reaction.
I watch Joe frown, a bolt of anger flashing in his eyes as my words strike him. "Done, huh?" He asks, but not giving me a chance to reply. His voice turns colder by the second. "Well, let me tell you something, Nicholas. I walk out that door and there'll be NO turning back, you hear me? Your life will be as empty as this apartment will be! You'll leave the only person who's ever loved you and you'll know it's all your fault."
I glare at Joe. “You never loved me. If you really did you’d stop doing all this. R-relationships are about love, and you sure don’t show me much of it.”
I can feel Joe losing it right here and now. He pulls me up on my feet, shoving me into the wall harshly. "You clearly know nothing about love!" He snarls, pinning my wrists to the wall behind me. "You're so ungrateful! I do everything for you! I took you in when you were abandoned and hated, showing you the kind of love you deserved, and THIS is how you repay me? By saying that I don't love you?"