Because You Said Forever

I lie down on my bed while Joe’s slamming his fists against the door. I put a pillow on top of my head to muffle some of the noise. Joe doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. I listen as he continues to call my name and ask me to open the door and talk to him.

After a couple tries, I hear him sigh through the door. His heavy footsteps ring through the hall as he walks away, towards the kitchen. I wipe my eyes and take a deep breath through my nose. I’m biting my lip so hard it’s starting to really hurt. My body is trembling and I hug myself, trying to calm myself down in the quiet.

Some banging noises jerk me out of a sleep I hadn’t realized I’d fallen in to. It’s Joe in the kitchen. Though my stomach is killing me, I don’t risk stepping out of my room. I wallow in self pity and self loathing until I hear his footsteps in the hall, and he goes into his room.

When the coast is clear, I hurry to the kitchen and make myself some toast. I really don’t want to be around if Joe comes out of his room. I speedily get the bread out and slap some cream cheese on two slices, with the intention of carrying it to my room and eating there.

Armed with toast, I hurry out of the kitchen and past the couch, but as I get to the hallway---

“Look who decided to leave his room,” Joe points out. I grit my teeth anxiously. He smiles. “I’m still waiting for my apology, Nickie.”

I get a weird feeling in my chest as I look at him. “I haven’t done anything.”

“You have, Nick,” Joe says, looking straight forward into my eyes and making me uncomfortable. “you questioned my love for you. We both know I’m the one that loves you more than anything. Do you know how that hurt?” he tilts his head and looks at me with wide, falsely hurt eyes. Pretending to be deeply offended, he goes on. “I just want an apology.”

“I’m not sorry.”

“You should be,” Joe puts on the hurt look and pretends to act pathetic. “Because I know if I had one person that loved me, and
took me under his wing when no one else would, I’d be grateful,” he lectures, using the voice you’d use to send someone on a guilt trip. His words sting, but I don’t show it. I grip the plate tightly as I stare down at the toast. He steps towards me. I shake my head. I try to step through the doorway around Joe, but he shifts quickly to one side, blocking my path. “Aren’t you going to say anything?” he glares at me.

“Why should I?” I ask cautiously, looking at him closely, my knuckles turning white from the tight grip on my plate.

Joe narrows his eyes. “You’ve become an ungrateful little asshole, Nicholas. What’s gotten into you? You can’t even apologize for it, either.” I gaze at him blankly, resisting the urge to roll my eyes, thinking over for a moment some of the things he’s done to me and not apologized for. The things he says to me are not nearly as bad as the things I say in front of the mirror, and if he hurts me it’s not as bad as what I do to myself, but it still hurts.

“I’m sorry,” I mumble, and I am. I’m sorry that I’m not enough for him and that he needs to whore around to fulfill his desires. Joe’s face softens just a little. My nose tingles and warm tears prick the back of my eyes.

“That’s all you needed to say,” he sighs.

I snuffle to stop my nose from running and look down at the floor with a mix of fury and sadness apparent on my face. Joe coos and is soon by my side. “Nick? I’m sorry. Did I do anything to upset you?”

“Nothing you can fix.” I do something between a nod and shaking my head. I wipe my nose, feeling the urge to cry as Joe attempts to hug me. I shove him away from me and he raises his hands in the air and glares at me.

“I don’t even know what you want anymore. You’re so difficult. I’m sorry if I upset you.”

“Yeah,” I grit my teeth. “You’re always sorry.” I slip past him.

“Nick!” he follows me down the hallway. “Nick, come on!”

I don’t turn around for a few seconds until I ask “What is it, Joe?” He’s standing right in front of me. His eyes look more annoyed than concerned.

He silently leans in and kisses me on the cheek, like it will solve everything. I squint my eye closed and lean away from him. He smiles and wraps an arm around my shoulder, giving me a small squeeze. “Love you,” he whispers, his lips close to my ear.

I don’t argue.