My life as a loser in High School.

Love. It was a small word that had a big meaning. Sort of like the word “fat”. I was sixteen; what did I know of love? How could I possibly tell that what I felt for Dylan was love at all? All of this was confusing me. When Dylan had finally left, I had been on my own long enough to think, and really someone should stop me from doing that because this is what happens.

If my Dad were here, he would tell me to stop being such an idiot and of course I wasn’t in love; it was just a stupid crush that had gotten out of hand. Not that I would actually tell my Dad what I was feeling if he was here. That would just be awkward and wrong.

This was ridiculous; I didn’t even like Dylan that much. Most of the time he was horrible to me. But then, Sid and Nancy are apparently one of the most famous couples ever, and Sid ended up murdering her. I felt sick, and my head hurt. Why couldn’t things just be normal between us? Dylan began these mind games and look how I’ve ended up; driving myself crazy whilst drinking hot chocolate in my kitchen.

Maybe it was just a heat of the moment thing? Dylan was touching me and I wasn’t thinking straight and his breath on my neck was giving me shivers and I just sort of accidently fell for him. Maybe what I was feeling was just teenage lust and not love at all? But then, I had experienced lust with Dylan and this was much more than that. It was much deeper.

I wanted to tear my insides and hand them to him on a plate so he could do whatever he wanted. I wanted to rip his own heart out and crush it for making me feel this way. I wanted him to want me back.

When I arrived at school on Monday, Jay noticed something was different. I was probably looking more depressed then I did after watching the ending of Marley and Me. Or perhaps I had that “in love” glow. Apparently when someone was in love, their pupils were bigger.

“Jay?” I asked. He stopped picking his nails and glanced at me.

“Whatever is the matter, Brianna, darling.” He muttered.

“Do my pupils look bigger to you?”

“What?” He raised his eyebrows. “Why, have you taken something?” I frowned and shoved him.

“No. Just look.” I used my fingers to prise my eyelids open. He laughed loudly before realising I was being serious.

“Brie...” He sighed shaking his head. “Your eyes don’t look any different. Wait, I think your mascara has clumped...” He peered at me anxiously, his tongue poking out of his mouth as he concentrated on pulling away the offended clump without blinded me with his thumb.

“I don’t even want to know.” Dylan muttered walking past us. I pulled myself away, fighting back a blush. He’s just a boy Brie. Just a big, stupid smelly boy who has eyes to die for and a way of turning you to jelly. He probably still has cooties or something.

“You okay, Brie?” Jay asked softly.

“Hmm.” I responded.

“Good, so anyway...” This was absolute torture. I had nobody to talk to. I couldn’t even tell Jay, my best friend, how I was feeling. I could feel Dylan’s stare in the back of my neck and I had to resist the urge to turn around to check if he really was looking at me. Why couldn’t I have fell for someone who was more in my league, and I don’t know, single? If we had an American prom, Dylan and Kate would be voted prom king and queen. That’s how suited they were. Everyone knew they were together even if they didn’t particularly like it.

“Brie? Brie.” Jay was waving a hand in front of my face. I blinked a few times and glared at him. “You were doing that thing where I’m telling you something really important but you were probably thinking about what colour to paint your toe nails.”

“Sorry.” I muttered. Jay examined my face and then raised his eyebrows.

“Are you sure everything’s okay? You seem really distracted.” I nodded my head, but then stopped. Perhaps I could ask Jay for some advice without actually telling him my dirty little secret.

“Jay, have you ever been in love?” I questioned, feeling my cheeks burn at the cheesiness of my question.

“Does it count if he’s a fictional character?”

“No, it- what?”

“I don’t know, I just think Draco Malfoy has got that “bad boy” vibe going on.”

“Okay, that is weird.”

“Oh, hush you. What’s brought this on, eh?” I became increasingly aware of Dylan sitting just a desk behind us. I quickly thought up a lie.

“It’s my mum. She keeps going all gooey when Wayne comes over. I haven’t seen her act like that since my Dad...” I frowned and shook my head. “Can you be in love twice?”

“I’m not sure. It’s not something I’ve ever had to think about. I mean I’ve thought I was in love before but hasn’t every one when they were seven?”

“How do you know if you are in love? I mean, really properly, deeply in love. Not just a silly crush.” I felt conscious just asking the question. What if he figured out that I was asking about me and not my mother?

“Well...” He sucked his teeth in thought. “My mum always says to me that loving someone means giving them your heart and trusting them not to crush it in their hands.”

“But what if they do?” I pressed on. Dylan had crushed me enough times.

“Well, then they’re not worth loving, are they?” He concluded. I opened my mouth to reply when a chair screeched behind me. Dylan got up, glared at us before storming out of the classroom. I sighed. He obviously has his knickers in a twist once again. I shook my head and contemplated what Jay had just told me.