I'm Not a Princess, This Ain't a Fairytale

The looks on everyone's face as they stared at me, trying to comfort me, made me want to crawl into a whole. Pity. So much pity. I was pregnant, and my best friend hurt me. I sighed, stopping outside Joe's and my room. And I was scared to go in. I was scared to face him, scared to be alone with him – him. My twin brother, my best friend, my protector. I sighed. I had to go in there. I had to just get my stuff, and I could leave. I didn't have to talk to him. I didn't think I could.

I walked in timidly, refraining from running. Joe was lying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. I saw a tear leaving his eye, streaking down his cheek. I felt my heart break. I couldn't see him like this. He was in pain. And I wanted to help him. But I couldn't. I closed my eyes for a second, but then opened them quickly, taking a deep breath. Troy, my dad, the old Kevin. That was now what I saw. When I looked at him again, I saw that he had still not noticed me. In his hand, lying close to the edge of the bed, I saw a piece of construction paper. I knew what it was immediately. It was mine. I had given it to Joe. Third grade, when we had had to write about who we admired most. All the kids had written about their parents. But I had written about Joe. My Joe. I remembered getting up in front of the class, reading my paper out loud, about how amazing Joe was, how he always helped me, always protected me, how he was my everything. I had come home, and given it to Joe. And he had kept it. He had kept it all these years. I couldn't believe it. The construction paper looked a bit old, and ragged. But it was still in one piece, not ripped, not thrown away. He had kept it.

I took a step forward, and Joe turned his head at the sound. He eyes were blank for a second, but they grew wide as he took in my presence. Before I could say anything, he jumped up from the bed, and started to inch towards me. To my great disbelief, I felt myself slightly cowering backwards. Joe seemed to be able to sense my fear. "Mia," he strained quietly. His voice sounded so clouded with pain. He slowly reached out his hand, touching my face gently. I closed my eyes, praying he didn't hit me again. Only did I open them when he took his hand away. He was peering into my eyes, and an unspoken understanding swept through us. I was afraid of him. And he knew it. "Mia, honey, please. You – have to understand," he choked out, his voice and eyes beseeching. "I – I don't know what—"

I cut him off then. I couldn't take it. I couldn't listen to him justify what he did. I couldn't listen to him beg for forgiveness. "I'm just here for my pillow," I whispered. "Nick and Kevin don't want – don't want me sleeping here, and neither does Mom. She says you have this anger inside of you. She thinks you got it from Dad."

Joe's eyes tightened for a second. "I don’t have anger issues," he said quietly. But I knew what he could do. I knew behind that quiet voice, he could hurt me again. I knew it, and it had me shaking even more. I cringed back, subconsciously moving slightly away from him. "Mia," he said. "I'm not like him. I'm not like Dad."

I looked at the ground. You're not like him. How many times had I said those words to him as we were growing up? How many times had we laid in bed, the darkness blacking out our vision, whispering? How many times had I cried, telling him he was nothing like Dad when he lashed out at Kevin for yelling at me? How many times had that been a lie? I didn't know anymore.

"Mia," he touched my face again softly. I winced slightly. This time, he didn't remove his hand. Instead, he gently stroked my cheek with his thumb, wiping the stray tear that had fallen down my cheek. "Mia, I'm not like Dad. I will never belike Dad. I would do anything for y—"

He was cut off as the door opened, revealing a hard faced Nicholas. "Mia, what's taking you so long?" He stepped in beside me, pausing to throw a contemptuous glare Joe's way, before gently tugging on my arm. "It's past midnight, sweetie. We should go to sleep."

I nodded. "I'll be right there."

He smiled at me, kissing my forehead, before throwing another glare at Joe and leaving. Joe chuckled once, bitterly. "Wow, he really hates me. Not that I blame him," he mumbled.

I just looked at him, feeling my stomach grow queasy. Joe. In. Pain. It hurt me too. But I looked at him now, hearing the bitter sound in his voice, and I heard my dad. I looked at him, and I saw Troy in his eyes. I clenched my eyes closed. Taking a deep breath, I opened them, looking him right in the eyes. "When you – when you were beating me Joe, there was no difference. No difference at all. You weren't my Joey anymore. There was no different from you, from D-Dad, and from T-T-Tro—"

"Don't," Joe begged, his eyes boring into mine, beseeching me. "Don't say that Mia, honey. You don't mean any of that. I – I wish I could take it back. All of ii, all of it for you. But most of all, I wish I could take back what I—I did. Mia, you're the most important thing in my life. You're my best friend, my twin sister, my little girl – and I – I need you Mia. I need you to forgive me. I wouldn't --- I wouldn't have done any of that if I knew – I knew that—" He stopped then, as if he couldn't say anymore. He balled his hands into fists, and anger filled his eyes. I felt myself shrink as I cowered back. "Please don't compare me to those – those monsters. I'm not like them. I swear. I'm not. And I can't bear you thinking I am."

I didn't say anything as I grabbed my pillow from the bed. I sighed. "I – I have to go Joe." I turned and left without another word. Closing the door as quickly as I could, I wanted to break down. But then, through the door, I heard the most painful sound I had ever heard. I heard Joe break down. I heard his sobs, and his cries. I heard him crying. Every inch of my body, every single part of it wanted to turn around, and go back in there, to embrace him, to forgive him, to feel the warmth of his love around me. But I couldn't. I was scared. I was scared of my best friend.

I slowly walked to Nick and Kevin's room, trying to keep myself together. I gently took a hold of the knob, but I couldn't turn it. I broke down, my tears coming freely. My world had fallen apart. And my heart was broken. I couldn't bare it. The door opened, and Nick stepped out, immediately embracing me. I just buried my head into his chest and sobbed, letting the pain out. There was so much pain. He gently raised my face, examining it. For what? For new bruises? Did he honestly think Joe would hurt me again? But then, hadn't I thought the same thing just now? "Did he hurt you Mia?" I shook my head. "What's wrong sweetie?" He hugged me again, gently stroking my hair. "What happened?"

Kevin walked over, putting his hand on my arm. I could see his eyes were watery as well. "I – I cal feel it," I choked out between my sobs. "I can feel everything he is feeling, and – and I can hardly bare it myself. And the worst part is that every time I look at him, every time I see my best friend, my twin, my protector, I see – Troy or – or Dad, or – or K-Kevin before, and it just – I can't take it." Kevin's grip tightened on my arm, the same time Nick's did around me. "Why is this happening Nicky? Why is this happening to me?"

Nick was crying now too. I could feel his tears running into my hair. He kissed my forehead. "Mia, I know—I know that you're my big sister, and you're supposed to protect me and everything, but I – I promise Mia. I will never let anything happen to you. I will never hurt you. I will never do what Dad or Joe did to you.I'll never let you down Mia. I'll protect you from everything and everyone. Everything will be okay, sweetie, you'll see. You're safe. Kevin and I are here."

I smiled slightly at him through my tears. My little brother, my little savior. It made me smile. Nick was an amazing guy. Even at his age, he was a better man than anyone I knew. Any girl was going to be lucky to date him one day. But no one was going to be as lucky as me, because he was my brother.

"No matter what happens," Kevin whispered. "We have each other, everyday and every moment. We are going to get through this, we're going to get through this together."

I sighed, already feeling a hole open in my heart. The hole was for Joe. He had filled all of my heart for so long, and now, all that was left, all that I could bare was this hole. What hurt the most was that the rest of my heart longed for him, for my protector. As safe as I felt in my little brother's arms, I needed Joey. And I had a feeling that my other two brothers weren't going to be able to fill his hole.