Give Me a Reason to Believe

Before long, Mikey, Ray, and Bob woke up and came in to see Gerard.

Ray and Bob walked right up to come and talk to him, but Mikey stayed rooted to the spot, a couple steps in from the doorway.

He was so silent that nobody really noticed that he came in, but when Gerard asked for him, he cleared his throat.

“I’m right here, Gerard,” his voice sounded weak and shaky.

“Well come and give your big brother a hug. You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” said Gerard weakly, giving a small half smile.

Mikey’s eyes started welling up again.

“How can you joke about this? Gerard, you could have DIED! You still could! Why are you all taking it so lightly? Gerard just tried to kill himself, and nobody’s asking him why? What the hell is WRONG with you people!!?!” Mikey yelled, falling to his knees at Gerard’s bedside.

I was shocked. We all were. Mikey never said things like that... He never had two words to speak for himself.

Most of all though, he’d brought to surface the reality that Gerard was still in very real danger.

Didn’t he think we knew that? We could see the wires, the tubes, the stitches, all sticking out of him, on every limb and organ.

Yes, Gerard could die, and it was my fault. Mikey didn’t know that, and I’m not sure I wanted him to know. Gerard had forgiven me, but would he? If Gerard... if he... if he wasn’t okay.. I wasn’t sure I could forgive myself let alone expect Mikey to.

I started feeling horrible again.

It was silent in the room for about 5 minutes, with only the sound of Mikey’s sobbing and Gerard’s quiet ‘shh’-ing.

“Hey, guys, could you give me and Mikey a minute?” Gerard asked softly.

We all left the room, telling them that we’d be right in the waiting room and to call if they needed anything.

“I feel so bad for that boy. For his sake, I hope Gerard heals as quick as possible,” Frankie said, his voice wavering.

“Me too,” I agreed, “if he heals,” I added under my breath.

“We’re going to go down to the cafeteria for a minute, do you want anything, Lena?” Bob asked.

“No, thanks. I’ll see you guys in a bit.”

After they had gone, I crept up to the curtain covering Gerard’s cubicle. I wasn’t going to miss this.

“Mikey, hey, I’m going to be fine. Don’t you worry about me. Hey, remember that time when we were 10 and all 5 of us were wrestling on the balcony?” Gerard said to Mikey.

He sniffed and looked up, “Yeah...”

“And what happened?”

“You... you fell off. You fell off the broken part, and you broke your ribs and got a concussion.”

“Exactly. When I was in the hospital, you thought I was going to die, didn’t you?”

“Yeah... but.. Gerard... this is so different. You were hit by a truck. A huge truck! You’re in worse condition than you ever were from the balcony incident.”

“Yes, but I’m also a lot bigger now. And stronger. This isn’t any different, Mikes. Don’t worry, the truck didn’t really do any more damage than the balcony,” finished Gerard, and kissed Mikey’s forehead. Mikey stopped crying and smiled a little.

That was absolutely adorable. Gerard was comforting his little brother, and it worked. He had such a simple explanation, and Mikey believed it as if he was 5 and Gerard was explaining how there was no boogey-man under his bed.

That still didn’t mean that Mikey wouldn’t be pissed when he’d heard why Gerard had gotten himself here in the first place.

Maybe he wouldn’t ask?

“But... Gerard... why did you do it? Why didn’t you talk to me? We always talk to each other...”

Damnit.

“Mikey, I was being stupid. I completely overreacted to a situation that was out of my control, and I acted on impulse. Please don’t tell Mom, but I was drunk. If I wasn’t, I would have thought it over a little more and realized how much I, uh, didn’t want to get hit by a truck and die. I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you, Mikey, it just didn’t occur to me,” said Gerard, a new tenderness in his shallow, weak voice.

I caught my breath to hear Mikey’s next question.

“What was the situation? What made you want to do it? I have a right to know!” demanded Mikey, no longer crying, but still upset.

“It doesn’t matter now, Mikes. It’s been resolved, and we’ve all reached an understanding. Leave well enough alone,” said Gerard, becoming firmer.

“No, Gerard. You’re not going to sidestep it. Why did you do it?” said Mikey, his voice rising.

“Damnit, Mikey, it was my own fault! I acted like an asshole, and I would have lost them both if I hadn’t realized that they were right. Lena doesn’t love me anymore, and I’m not grudging her to Frank. I just want to be friends with everyone again, and put this bullshit behind me! It will never happen again, because I’m happy for them. Now can we please drop it?” yelled Gerard, and I heard his heart monitor speed up as he talked. It was silent for what seemed like hours, and in that time, his heart monitor resumed its normal pace, and the heavy breathing subsided.

“Lena.. Frank... ? So.... so that’s why you... Christ, Gerard...” Mikey breathed, unable to comprehend it.

“Yes, Mikey, but as I said, it was on impulse and I was drunk. Had I been in my right mind, I wouldn’t have, and what I’d really like is for everyone to pretend it never happened as soon as I get the hell out of here,” Gerard said.

As I leaned closer to hear the rest of this, a soft, whispery voice spoke into my ear.

“You know, you shouldn’t be eavesdropping.”

I jumped and shrieked a little, because I was very tightly wound, and it had caught me off guard. I turned around to upbraid whoever it was.

“Oh, its you. Damnit, Frank, you scared the shit out of me! And whats it to you if I eavesdrop? You can hear some pretty interesting things when you listen in,” I said, turning my attention back to the curtain.

Frank sat down beside me and opened his bag of Skittles, “What have they been saying?”

“Gerard’s been comforting Mikey in the cutest ways ever. Mikey now knows why Gerard... did what he did, and we know ultimately that Gerard has no hard feelings for what’s happened, gimme a Skittle,” I finished.

He sighed and gave me a purple one; his least favorite. I wasn’t a big fan of them either.

“So Mikey’s not going to come after us with a shovel?” Frank asked.

“Well, not yet, anyways. We’ll see how Gerard ends up, and then I’ll give you a definite answer,” I said, with a bitter, humorless laugh.

We quieted down to hear the rest of the boys' heart-to-heart.

We'd missed some of it.

"How does Odelette come into any of this?" Mikey asked.

Damn, we'd missed quite a bit.

"Her and Lena don't get along. Remember that day when she came in crying because she hit Odelette? Well, I didn't believe it then, but everything Lena said was true. I just can't believe it took a three ton truck to knock me to my senses. I don't remember a lot of the details, but apparently Odie threatened to steal me from Lena, and maybe hurt her. I don't know. Whatever the case, I am never going to hang around Odelette again, because my friends are more important."

A weight lifted off my chest. I knew now that when he'd promised us he wouldn't see Odelette again, he wasn't just saying it to get us off of his back. He really meant it; he wanted to keep us around.

I looked at Frankie and he grinned at me before wrapping an arm around me. We had Gerard back. He leaned in and began to kiss me softly.

"Okay, I'll get it," Mikey said. Damn, what did Gerard say? We'd missed some more of their conversation. Oh well, not really paying attention here. I have other ....matters...to attend to...

Just as I was afraid the room would never stop spinning, the curtain was thrown open and Mikey stepped out. He stopped when he looked down at us, and without a word, he stepped over us to retrieve whatever it was Gerard wanted.

Gerard was looking at us from his bed, and involuntarily, his eyes welled up and he turned his head.

We decided it would be best not to discuss the subject further with Gerard while it was such a touchy one, and we closed the curtain for him. Mikey walked back into Gerard's room with something in his hand, without even looking at us.

We heard some mumbled words, most of it we couldn't understand.

"You sure, Gee?"

"Yeah," came Gerard's extremely shaky and weak voice; it sounded worse than it had before.

"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow."

We got up and walked out to the waiting room to spare Mikey from having to glare at us again, and just before we left the nurse's station, I saw a light flash in the corner of my eye. A little blue warning light, identical to the ones on every patient's doorway.

This one was on Gerard's.

Two nurses got up and ran into his room. I didn't say anything about the light.

We continued walking to the elevator.

I'm a terrible person.