Give Me a Reason to Believe

Frankie insisted on driving me home, and I was too tired and miserable to argue. I wouldn't let him see that, though.

"Its seven o'clock, babe. Are we going to school today?" Frankie asked. His question implied that if I wasn't going, he sure as hell wasn't.

I just wanted to keep my mind as far away from the hospital scene as possible. What had I done...

"Yeah, we're going. Gerard will be out soon, hopefully, and I have a test today," I didn't actually have a test, I just couldn't tell Frankie why exactly I wanted to go. Any other circumstances and I would have been glad to have an excuse to stay home.

"Okay doll. We have an hour to get ready, and from then until nine o'clock is ours," he said, smiling as he kissed me lightly. He dropped me in front of my house and promised that he would be back at 8.

I walked listlessly up the stairs and into the bathroom. I quickly undressed and stepped into the shower. Turning the water on, I leaned my head against the shower door and closed my eyes.

What had happened to Gerard? And why didn't I do anything about it? I had once loved this man, I was once everything to him, and now... now... what was I? Nothing. Nothing but a traitor, a backstabber... It should have been me in front of that truck instead.

Silently, with no one around to comfort this pampered child who had just felt the pain of her first sorrow, I began to cry.

I got dressed and let my hair air dry. I didn't bother with makeup--what was the point? I didn't feel like looking nice for anyone.

I sat there motionless, waiting at the kitchen table to hear Frankie knock on the door. It didn't occur to me that maybe some of this misery and listlessness of manner was due to the fact that I hadn't really slept. Oh well. Thats just what I would tell Frank.

Finally, I heard his car pull up, and I greeted him at the door. He led me to his car and opened the passenger door for me. I thanked him and he got in his own seat, kissing me before starting the car and pulling away.

"Want some coffee? I know you've slept less than I have, and I also happen to know that coffee is the best picker-upper in the world," he asked good naturedly.

"Sure, just not Dunkin's. Have you heard anything from Mikey?" I asked, half dreading what I'd hear.

"Not really. They haven't said when Gerard can be released, but Mikey did say that Gerard asked him to smuggle in one of his cigarettes. I don't know how he planned to get away with smoking in a hospital room, but whatever floats his boat..." Frankie finished indifferently.

So that was what Gerard wanted. I was a little relieved, I gotta say. Still.... there was the nagging feeling that all was not well in that wing. I had to tell Frankie of what I saw.

"Frankie..." I began, unsure of how to tell him.

He looked over at me and saw the distraught expression in my eyes, my white face, rigidity and shame in every line of my body.

"Baby, what's wrong? You can tell me... come on..." he said softly, pulling over and taking me in his arms as best he could over the gear shift.

"I ... I saw an emergency light... just before we left... I saw it flashing... the one by Gerard's room... something bad happened... and I didn't say anything... Gerard's in trouble..." I choked out, tears finally falling, tears of shame, regret, fear...

"What? Lena, why didn't you tell me? We are not going to school. We're going straight back over there to find out what the hell happened!" Frankie finished in consternation. He let me go and sped off towards Belleville General.

"I'm... I'm sorry, Frankie... I don't know why I didn't say anything. I understand if you're angry... I'm so sorry..." I said meekly, avoiding his gaze. He slowed down a bit and cupped my chin in his hand. His expression softened.

"Don't be sorry, baby. You were scared. I understand, and I'm not angry. I'm just so worried about Gerard... I'm sure they took care of him," he finished gently, kissing my forehead. I felt somewhat soothed.

We finally pulled into the Belleville General parking lot, and once again found Gerard's 'room', which was really 12 other patients' room as well. Frankie led me to the center of the room, the nurses' station.

"Hi, we'd just like to know the condition of Gerard Way, the patient in cubicle 16-d?" Frankie said in a very calm, collected voice.

The nurse on duty, a very effeminate man of about 25, started shuffling through papers.

"Way...Way.. oh, yes. Oh, my. It seems that only an hour or so ago, he became very, well... emotional. His nurse reported that he was screaming and crying, and very aggressive. He pulled his IV's out, his heart monitor, all of the wires and tubes. That set off the warning light outside his room, which brought it to her attention. Handy little things, those lights," the nurse finished in a voice with such stiff politeness and indifference that only medical personnel can muster in such quantities.

Oh, god...

"Is he alright? Was he hurt in any way? Did they find out why?" I demanded.

The nurse gave me a look that said, "Who exactly is in charge here, Missy?"

"Yes, he's quite alright. Rather shaken, but physically he's just as fine as he was when the truck hit him," he said with no humor whatsoever, "And no, the nurses couldn't find out why he'd done it. He hasn't talked since. They're talking of moving him up to the psych ward."

"You listen to me, he is NOT crazy, and he does not need to be in that ward. What he needs is his friends, and we're right here. As soon as he's well enough, we're getting him the hell out of here, and there's nothing your med-school can do about it!" Frankie said, getting in his face. He looked shocked, but Frankie stormed off with me in tow before he could say anything in reply.

Go, Frankie.

We crept into Gerard's room, and found him with his arms crossed, new tubes taped in place with criss crosses of papery white tape, staring at the ceiling forlornly.

"Hey, Gee, how are you? Whats going on, buddy?" Frankie asked gently.

"How do you think I am, Frankie? I just got hit with three tons of metal, and its just been peaches and cream since then. Hey, did you hear, they're thinking of moving me up to Psych!" he finished sardonically.

I sighed. Back to square one. No, he was better than this before. We were back to square like.... negative ten. Around the time he'd jumped in front of the 'three tons of metal'.

"No, Gerard, you're not going anywhere but home. As soon as you're well enough, we'll take you home. Don't worry about that," I said, trying to soothe him.

"Whats the point. What will I go home to? A bunch of friends that pity me and an ex girlfriend that hates me."

That was like a slap in the face. I knew he was just having a pity party, but still. Didn't he know that I still cared about him, that I wanted to see him, well, survive? I did love him, I just wasn't IN love with him anymore.

"Oh, Gerard, don't talk like that. You know you'd love to come home. You hate hospitals! As soon as you're out of here we'll take the week off and go to New York or something. It'll be fun!" Frankie said with false cheerfulness.

"Sounds like it," Gerard said without mirth. We sighed. We just had to give him time, that was all. He needed time to think things over and realizing he was being childish.

"Well, I guess we'll all come and see you after school today, if you're up to it," Frankie said, putting an arm around me and turning to leave.

"Wait!" Gerard said suddenly. We turned around, startled.

"Can I talk to you for a second, Lena?" he asked in a small voice.

I looked at Frankie, and he nodded.

"I'll be in the car, babe."

After he left, I sat down on Gerard's bed.

"Whats up?"

He took my hand.

"Lena... what happened? We loved each other... so much. I would have died for you, and I'll bet you anything that you would have died for me too. It changed, so fast... Over one stupid little argument..." he began.

"Gerard, no, it wasn't a stupid little argument, it was you, taking Odelette's word over that of 'the love of your life'. You didn't trust me, Gerard, you didn't believe me. You kicked me out of your house, went and got drunk, sliced me a good one across the face, and then topped it all off by going and getting yourself maimed!" I said, a new pain coming to my heart as I remembered those days when Gerard and I had been inseparable.

"I love you so much, Lena. So much that it hurts. It hurts more than my broken ribs, my collapsed lung, my fractured skull, everything. And I know you still love me. Otherwise you wouldn't have done any of this. You wouldn't have come to see me, you wouldn't have stayed back a minute ago when I asked to talk to you. So why do you insist on torturing me with my best friend?" he said, tears coming to his eyes.

I really had loved him. I really would have died for him. Feelings that strong don't change that quickly. What happened?

The answer was simple.

Nothing had happened.

I was still just as in love with him as ever.

He pulled me closer to him, and before I knew it his lips were on mine, his touch evoking feelings I hadn't felt in so long. He wanted me, he needed me... and I needed him. It had taken so long for me to realize it, but I really did need him. I loved him so much... but...

I pulled away.

"No, Gerard. I love Frankie. I can't do this with you. I still care about you, and we'll always be best friends. But I..." I could hardly bare to bring the next words to my lips.

I got up and made my way to the door.

"I don't love you anymore."

I left the room, left the hospital, all the while thinking that that had been the worst lie I ever could have told.