Give Me a Reason to Believe
Chapter Thirty.
It was a long, slow walk down to the parking lot, and three times I stopped midstep to contemplate whether or not I should turn and run back up those stairs to tell Gerard just how wrong I thought I was.
But, I decided against it, and slowly got into Frankie's car.
I stayed silent and stared straight ahead, so naturally Frankie assumed something was wrong.
"Hey, Lena, what did he have to say?" he asked tentatively.
"He said.." I began, not sure if I should tell him the truth or a kind lie. Finally, I decided to do the right thing.
"He asked me what happened. Asked me why I wasn't in love with him anymore, and told me that he still loved me. Then he... He kissed me," I finished, trying to avoid his gaze. I expected an outburst of anger, a furious threat towards me or Gerard. I was surprised when I didn't get one.
"And how do you feel about it?" he asked softly. I looked up at his warm brown eyes, and was somewhat comforted. I had to think a long while as to how it actually did make me feel. Gerard kissed me... how did I feel about it?
"I.. I think it was a terrible thing to do... He kissed me when he knew that we were dating... and that I love you.. and he went and did it anyways. I pulled away and came straight back down here. I was disgusted. And appalled... and..and--" he cut off my stumbling sentence with his soft, caressing voice. His understanding tone didn't change one bit.
"So what are you going to do about it?" Was it just me or was there a slight condescending note to that question?
"What do you mean, what'll I do about it? It was inexcusable, to do that to his two best friends... I haven't decided what I want to do about it yet, other than tell him what I already have.." I trailed off.
I looked at him, and he searched my face for something in particular. When he didn't find what he was looking for, he sighed and pulled away from the hospital.
After a long heavy silence, Frankie finally said, "Mikey called my cell while I was down here waiting. He wants us all to go keep him company. He's still pretty worked up about Gerard's accident."
I didn't really reply, just kind of nodded. I wasn't really paying any attention, and I knew my parents wouldn't care that I'd missed school. I was still thinking about Gerard, and how I felt about him. Of course I still loved him. I'd never stopped. I was just angry. But... Frankie... he had always been there for me. He took my side when Gerard wouldn't. He loved me.
I was getting mighty sick of that goddamn word.
We pulled into Donna's driveway, and saw that Bob and Ray were already there. As we walked inside, I heard the distinct sounds of San Andreas coming from the living room.
"Hey guys," Frank said.
He received an 'unnh' from the other three; they were enthralled in watching Bob kick ass with a 5 star wanted level. He was doing a great job eluding the police cars and copters, until they cornered him and forced him off the overpass. He was then 'Wasted'.
They all let out a simultaneous sigh, as if they were holding their breath for the entire turn. Then they turned their attention to us.
"Want a turn?" Bob asked me.
I reluctantly accepted, and was busted for picking up a hooker about 10 minutes into my turn. They groaned and gratefully handed the controller to Ray. Then we got a chance to talk.
"How you feelin, little buddy?" Frankie asked Mikey in a sweet voice.
"Well, I was pissy yesterday, but I'm a lot better today. They say if Gerard just doesn't have a shit-fit like that again, they can send him home pretty soon. Maybe a week, even. He just has to keep calm."
"Good news. So no more talk of him being moved to Psych?" I asked.
"They're still thinking about it, but like they said, if there are no more psychotic outbursts..." Ray trailed off. We understood.
We talked on that subject for much longer than I would have liked, and finally, Ray, Bob, and I decided we should head home. It had been a long morning. We wanted sleep.
After the goodbyes, I started my short, but slow walk home, thinking about all the shit I'd gotten myself into.
Frankie's POV
"I don't know what to do, Mikey. I love her so much, but... I can't bear to see Gerard like this, and know its my fault. And I know she still loves him. I saw it in her eyes. She thinks she can hide it from me, but I know. I know," I confided to Mikey long after everyone had gone home.
"I think we all see it, Frankie. I've been talking to Gerard, and she's all he can think about. It'll really hurt him when he gets out of the hospital to know he can't have her anymore. What are you going to do?" Mikey asked bluntly. He wasn't choosing sides, and he wasn't angry because his brother was on the losing side; a fact that I took comfort in.
"I don't know. Thats why I wanted to talk to you, you're always good at giving advice. And for reasons I'll never understand, you're the best at romantic advice," Even in this somber conversation, I couldn't resist that wide open opportunity to tease him. He smiled slightly.
"I think you're going to have to do what you know she doesn't have the strength to do. Once again, Frankie, you're going to have to save the day. Break up with her, make it easier on both of them. Then she doesn't have to make the decision, and they can both work their problems out without that added pressure. Trust me."
That caught me off guard a little bit.
"Geez, Mikey, are you sure? How do you know thats what she wants? Doesn't it seem a little.. harsh?" I asked, my voice faltering. That just didn't seem like the thing to do. I mean, yeah, it would fix some things, but... I'd miss her. And I'll bet you dollars to donuts she'd miss me.
"Well, just a suggestion... Go home. Think about it. You'll figure it out," Mikey said with a reassuring smile.
"Alright. Thanks, man. I don't think I ever tell you enough how much I appreciate you," I said before I left.
"No, you don't. And you're lucky you're almost family, because otherwise, you couldn't afford me," Mikey joked.
I drove home thinking the situation over.
I'll just talk to her about her real feelings for Gerard. Then we'll see how it goes. After all, maybe she doesn't even want him back... I gave it a half assed effort to make myself believe that. Whether I did or not, I decided that was what I'd do.
As soon as I got home, I called Elena to finally get the conversation over with.
"Hello?" Her groggy voice answered.
"Lena? Sorry, did I wake you? Listen, I have something to ask you..." I began, finding it surprisingly easy to keep calm.
"Frankie? Oh, no, you didn't wake me. Whats up sweetie?"
"I need to know this. Its not fair to either of you if I don't set this straight, so tell me, truly, do you or do you not still have feelings for Gerard?"
There was silence on the other end of the line. My question was pretty sudden, so I figured I wouldn't push her, just let her think.
"Frankie, thats a complicated question... The straight answer is yes, I do still have SOME feelings for him, but they've changed. He's changed. I haven't decided what I want to do about him yet... Us..." she said, trailing off, not knowing where to go from there.
"Look, Lena, I love you, and you know that, but its not fair to me or Gerard to keep us hanging in limbo like that. You have to decide what it is you're going to do about your ex-boyfriend and your crutch. Yes, I said crutch. WHAT are you going to do about those feelings?" I demanded. I was sick of her beating around the bush, avoiding any confrontation. It was starting to piss me off.
I was startled when I was met with her rising, edged voice.
"Alright, you want me to decide, Frankie? Fine, I'll decide. I'll just forget about him. I'll just forget that I ever loved Gerard Way. That a Gerard Way ever existed! And I'll make him forget about me. Nothing's too important to forget. He'll get over it. And so will I. In fact, I already have! I'm with you, aren't I? I've moved on! I've.. I've--" I cut her off.
"Lena!"
"What!"
"Its over," I said softly. I didn't say it like I wanted to hurt her, in fact, I was trying to do the opposite. I just hoped she'd understand.
"Oh, Frankie, do you really mean that?" she asked, and I could almost see the smile on her face.
"Yes, Lena. Its more clear to me what you want to do than it is to you. And I have to help you make that decision. So go, go back to the one you've always loved. Do it and don't fuck it up," I finished. That last part was just for giggles...
"Thank you, Frankie," she said softly.
"I love you, Lena," I barely whispered before I hung up.
As I put the phone back on the receiver, I couldn't help but think that I should feel horrible. I should feel alone and dejected and lost. But I didn't. I felt great. Because she was happy.
And that was all that mattered.
But, I decided against it, and slowly got into Frankie's car.
I stayed silent and stared straight ahead, so naturally Frankie assumed something was wrong.
"Hey, Lena, what did he have to say?" he asked tentatively.
"He said.." I began, not sure if I should tell him the truth or a kind lie. Finally, I decided to do the right thing.
"He asked me what happened. Asked me why I wasn't in love with him anymore, and told me that he still loved me. Then he... He kissed me," I finished, trying to avoid his gaze. I expected an outburst of anger, a furious threat towards me or Gerard. I was surprised when I didn't get one.
"And how do you feel about it?" he asked softly. I looked up at his warm brown eyes, and was somewhat comforted. I had to think a long while as to how it actually did make me feel. Gerard kissed me... how did I feel about it?
"I.. I think it was a terrible thing to do... He kissed me when he knew that we were dating... and that I love you.. and he went and did it anyways. I pulled away and came straight back down here. I was disgusted. And appalled... and..and--" he cut off my stumbling sentence with his soft, caressing voice. His understanding tone didn't change one bit.
"So what are you going to do about it?" Was it just me or was there a slight condescending note to that question?
"What do you mean, what'll I do about it? It was inexcusable, to do that to his two best friends... I haven't decided what I want to do about it yet, other than tell him what I already have.." I trailed off.
I looked at him, and he searched my face for something in particular. When he didn't find what he was looking for, he sighed and pulled away from the hospital.
After a long heavy silence, Frankie finally said, "Mikey called my cell while I was down here waiting. He wants us all to go keep him company. He's still pretty worked up about Gerard's accident."
I didn't really reply, just kind of nodded. I wasn't really paying any attention, and I knew my parents wouldn't care that I'd missed school. I was still thinking about Gerard, and how I felt about him. Of course I still loved him. I'd never stopped. I was just angry. But... Frankie... he had always been there for me. He took my side when Gerard wouldn't. He loved me.
I was getting mighty sick of that goddamn word.
We pulled into Donna's driveway, and saw that Bob and Ray were already there. As we walked inside, I heard the distinct sounds of San Andreas coming from the living room.
"Hey guys," Frank said.
He received an 'unnh' from the other three; they were enthralled in watching Bob kick ass with a 5 star wanted level. He was doing a great job eluding the police cars and copters, until they cornered him and forced him off the overpass. He was then 'Wasted'.
They all let out a simultaneous sigh, as if they were holding their breath for the entire turn. Then they turned their attention to us.
"Want a turn?" Bob asked me.
I reluctantly accepted, and was busted for picking up a hooker about 10 minutes into my turn. They groaned and gratefully handed the controller to Ray. Then we got a chance to talk.
"How you feelin, little buddy?" Frankie asked Mikey in a sweet voice.
"Well, I was pissy yesterday, but I'm a lot better today. They say if Gerard just doesn't have a shit-fit like that again, they can send him home pretty soon. Maybe a week, even. He just has to keep calm."
"Good news. So no more talk of him being moved to Psych?" I asked.
"They're still thinking about it, but like they said, if there are no more psychotic outbursts..." Ray trailed off. We understood.
We talked on that subject for much longer than I would have liked, and finally, Ray, Bob, and I decided we should head home. It had been a long morning. We wanted sleep.
After the goodbyes, I started my short, but slow walk home, thinking about all the shit I'd gotten myself into.
Frankie's POV
"I don't know what to do, Mikey. I love her so much, but... I can't bear to see Gerard like this, and know its my fault. And I know she still loves him. I saw it in her eyes. She thinks she can hide it from me, but I know. I know," I confided to Mikey long after everyone had gone home.
"I think we all see it, Frankie. I've been talking to Gerard, and she's all he can think about. It'll really hurt him when he gets out of the hospital to know he can't have her anymore. What are you going to do?" Mikey asked bluntly. He wasn't choosing sides, and he wasn't angry because his brother was on the losing side; a fact that I took comfort in.
"I don't know. Thats why I wanted to talk to you, you're always good at giving advice. And for reasons I'll never understand, you're the best at romantic advice," Even in this somber conversation, I couldn't resist that wide open opportunity to tease him. He smiled slightly.
"I think you're going to have to do what you know she doesn't have the strength to do. Once again, Frankie, you're going to have to save the day. Break up with her, make it easier on both of them. Then she doesn't have to make the decision, and they can both work their problems out without that added pressure. Trust me."
That caught me off guard a little bit.
"Geez, Mikey, are you sure? How do you know thats what she wants? Doesn't it seem a little.. harsh?" I asked, my voice faltering. That just didn't seem like the thing to do. I mean, yeah, it would fix some things, but... I'd miss her. And I'll bet you dollars to donuts she'd miss me.
"Well, just a suggestion... Go home. Think about it. You'll figure it out," Mikey said with a reassuring smile.
"Alright. Thanks, man. I don't think I ever tell you enough how much I appreciate you," I said before I left.
"No, you don't. And you're lucky you're almost family, because otherwise, you couldn't afford me," Mikey joked.
I drove home thinking the situation over.
I'll just talk to her about her real feelings for Gerard. Then we'll see how it goes. After all, maybe she doesn't even want him back... I gave it a half assed effort to make myself believe that. Whether I did or not, I decided that was what I'd do.
As soon as I got home, I called Elena to finally get the conversation over with.
"Hello?" Her groggy voice answered.
"Lena? Sorry, did I wake you? Listen, I have something to ask you..." I began, finding it surprisingly easy to keep calm.
"Frankie? Oh, no, you didn't wake me. Whats up sweetie?"
"I need to know this. Its not fair to either of you if I don't set this straight, so tell me, truly, do you or do you not still have feelings for Gerard?"
There was silence on the other end of the line. My question was pretty sudden, so I figured I wouldn't push her, just let her think.
"Frankie, thats a complicated question... The straight answer is yes, I do still have SOME feelings for him, but they've changed. He's changed. I haven't decided what I want to do about him yet... Us..." she said, trailing off, not knowing where to go from there.
"Look, Lena, I love you, and you know that, but its not fair to me or Gerard to keep us hanging in limbo like that. You have to decide what it is you're going to do about your ex-boyfriend and your crutch. Yes, I said crutch. WHAT are you going to do about those feelings?" I demanded. I was sick of her beating around the bush, avoiding any confrontation. It was starting to piss me off.
I was startled when I was met with her rising, edged voice.
"Alright, you want me to decide, Frankie? Fine, I'll decide. I'll just forget about him. I'll just forget that I ever loved Gerard Way. That a Gerard Way ever existed! And I'll make him forget about me. Nothing's too important to forget. He'll get over it. And so will I. In fact, I already have! I'm with you, aren't I? I've moved on! I've.. I've--" I cut her off.
"Lena!"
"What!"
"Its over," I said softly. I didn't say it like I wanted to hurt her, in fact, I was trying to do the opposite. I just hoped she'd understand.
"Oh, Frankie, do you really mean that?" she asked, and I could almost see the smile on her face.
"Yes, Lena. Its more clear to me what you want to do than it is to you. And I have to help you make that decision. So go, go back to the one you've always loved. Do it and don't fuck it up," I finished. That last part was just for giggles...
"Thank you, Frankie," she said softly.
"I love you, Lena," I barely whispered before I hung up.
As I put the phone back on the receiver, I couldn't help but think that I should feel horrible. I should feel alone and dejected and lost. But I didn't. I felt great. Because she was happy.
And that was all that mattered.