Standing Still For Far Too Long

Gerard looked quizzically at Frank and waited for him to continue. His mind was both confused and excited; it was thinking about what Frank could possibly want to tell him that made him want to bring him outside. What could possibly have to tell him that was making him so serious? He thought back through the whole morning and realized that Frank had been unusually calm and serious today. Even from the few days that Gerard had known Frank, he knew him well enough to understand that he was definitely acting different.

Frank’s body language changed. His eyes became slightly shifty, and the one place on top of his head must have been itching terribly. His feet were restless, and the hand that wasn’t scratching his head was playing with the dirt on the ground.

And then, finally, Gerard’s ears were met with sound.

“I left where I used to live because something bad happened.”

The simple sentence sent Gerard’s mind into a flurry of things that could have happened. His mind went as far as creating scenarios of death. But his mind was silenced when Frank spoke again.

“I’m gay.”

Silence. Frank’s ears were met with silence. It hadn’t bothered him before, no. Before, he knew that Gerard was listening intently. But now…now all he wanted was a response. But he continued without getting one.

“You know what that means right?”

Gerard spoke, “I r-remember Peyton telling me s-something,” he paused, “something about that.”

Frank sighed. The reaction was better than he had expected. He was, at that moment and for once, thankful for Peyton. He was thankful that he wouldn’t have to go in to a deep explanation of what being gay actually meant.

“Do you still like me Gee?” Frank’s voice was quiet, almost inaudible, but Gerard heard him and his head came up quickly from staring at the rips in his pants.

“Of course I still like you Frankie!”

The reassurance in his voice caused Frank eye’s to meet Gerard’s, and he saw the surprise in them. He saw the unsheltered and bare surprise that was in Gerard’s eyes, and he knew that Gerard had no intention of casting him out of his life. A smile crept onto his face, and his ears were once again meant with a soft voice.

“But…that’s not the bad thing that happened right?” Gerard began to delve more into the story.

“No,” Frank said quietly, “There’s definitely more, but that’s what brought it about.”

Gerard nudged Frank’s shoulder, urging him to go on.

“I was friends with a bunch of the kids that went to the local high school. I’d managed to make them think that I was homeschooled by my parents but I lived around there in a normal house with real parents. They liked me; all of them really liked me, and I felt like I had a place somewhere for possibly the first time in my whole life. B-before that…before that I did have a family. I had a mom and a dad and even a brother, but--” Frank paused and felt Gerard’s hand on his shoulder.

“It’s okay Frankie. Anything that you say…I promise that I won’t…that I won’t not like you.”

Frank nodded, “I had a family, and I still remember them. They were really religious you know? Like fanatically religious. And when I was…when I was eleven, my brother was four. And he was taking a bath one day…and I went in because I needed to brush my teeth. And he was just sitting there…and I looked in the tub and I noticed that he had one of my Lego toys and I reached down into the tub and then…and then my mom came in. She saw my hand in the water in my brothers lap…and…and she thought that I was…she thought that I was touching him. She called my dad in and they just started yelling at me; they started shrieking into my face. Then they--” Frank’s voice cracked and he stopped again, and this time Gerard was quiet.

Gerard watched as Frank looked up into the sky and he noticed the glint of water that was welling up in his eyes, but all he did was wait. He watched the wind as it moved the leaves in the tree above him and the trees around him, and the time that passed seemed like only seconds to them both. He felt Frank stir beside him, but it almost scared him when he began speaking again.

“They threw me out.”

Gerard’s eyes widened, and it became obvious to himself that he had always thought that Frank had been the one that had chosen to leave, that he ran away.

“They threw you out when you were eleven?”

“Yeah, they told me that I was a ‘sinful faggot’ and that I had no place in their house,” Frank stopped for a moment, and to Gerard’s surprise, a chuckle escaped Frank’s lips, “they threw me out because they thought I was gay,” He laughed again, “turns out that I really am. Isn’t that ironic?”

Gerard didn’t know what to say, but Frank knew that and he didn’t feel badly towards him. Would he know what to say if Gerard was revealing his whole life story to him? Despite the pain that it was causing him to re-live what had happened to him in the past, Frank continued.

“That’s how I became a wanderer or whatever you want to call me. The town that I last lived in was the first place that I had managed to make some sort of place for myself. Then I got a girlfriend. Her name was Adalae and she liked me. I don’t know if I liked her or if I just liked the idea of her, but lately I’ve been leading towards the idea theory. She was really nice, and I loved being around her. Everything about her was really sweet and just…maybe pure is the right word. But after more and more time I felt like everything that I was living wasn’t exactly real…and then one day she tried to go further than kissing me and it didn’t feel right. I pushed her away and I could feel that she was angry, and when she looked at me it was like she wanted me to die or something. Then she left her room and I took that as a sign for me to leave…I didn’t even really say bye. And then the next day…all of my friends were looking at me strangely. They all were giving me funny looks and short answers…Then when I went over to where my girlfriend and her friends were talking she started pointing and me…and one of her friends looked at me and shouted that I was gay and that no one liked me anymore. And that was it.”

The story wasn’t complete, and Gerard knew that. They had been sitting there for well over an hour, but he wasn’t feeling antsy. He was happy. He was sad for Frank and so far disgusted at the people in his story, but he was happy that Frank felt the need to open up to him.

“Obviously,” Frank continued, “Adalae broke up with me. It’s not like I really cared all that much; I was actually really happy that we weren’t going out anymore. I didn’t have to live a lie anymore, but it’s just that she became someone that I didn’t know. Soon she was around with every guy that had previously called my friend. She became someone so disgusting and easy that I didn’t want to have anything to do with her, and I was happy that she hated me. But it just hurt that the girl that I had known to be so nice and sweet would betray me like that just because I wouldn’t fuck her. She told everyone Gee…everyone knew and I couldn’t take it anymore. All of my friends thought I was disgusting. I had to leave, and that was that. I tried to stay for a little while longer. I was hopeful for a little while that everything would blow over and things would go back to normal, but it was a lost cause. I had to leave, and I did.”

Gerard heard a sigh from Frank’s lips, and he scooted a bit closer to him, hopefully reassuring him that it was okay that he was telling Gerard all of this. Another sigh came out of Frank’s mouth, and he began to speak again.

“So I’m guessing that you figured out that all of the accusations finally helped me realize that I’m gay. Sorry that I acted so bitter towards girls before…every time I think of girls I think of Adalae and what a terrible person she turned out to be. I don’t know…I wanted to tell you. I feel better now, and I understand if you think of me differently. But I…I feel better.”

And then Gerard knew it was done. Everything that Frank had told him was now embedded deep into his mind, and he knew that he would never forget it. Frank felt like something heavy and dark had been lifted off of him and Gerard felt like he now knew his friend better than he had known anyone, except for maybe Peyton, before. And as he saw Frank stand up and stretch before him, he realized that he didn’t think that anything would ever make him stop liking Frank. In just a few days, a bond had been formed and both of them had no interest in breaking it.

Gerard stood up quickly and took a few steps so that he was walking with Frank back to the door and into the orphanage. A comfortable silence took over as the familiar creaks were made under their feet. The voices coming from the room that they slept in were welcoming to their ears. They walked in and made their way to the bunk bed that they shared, and their routine movements soon had them both with their backs on the bottom bunk and their hands behind their heads staring up at the shapes above them. And just as Gerard was about to speak, Frank once again had words coming out of his mouth.
“And one last thing Gee.”

“Hmm?” He answered quietly.

“I told you that I held hands with my friends back where I was before…” Frank paused, “But just for the record, the only person that I ever held hands with was Adalae.”