Standing Still For Far Too Long

His hand was losing its grasp; he could feel the other set of fingers slipping away from his palm. His sweaty palms; they were failing him. Why did they feel so sweaty? He could feel his eyes close against the light that that succeeded in blinding him. He could no longer see the face…He could no longer remember who he was holding on to. All of the contours of that face that he knew he must care about. After all, why would he be gripping so hard on these tiny fingers if it was not important to him. What was he saving him from? But just as he was about to use his other hand to gain a better grip on whomever was so important to him, he felt a tug. Another hand was holding on to his; a more fragile one. He could feel his dry throat opening as he protested but no words came out.NO! he thought frantically.NO let me go. But the frail hand that was stronger than it felt persisted, and every time it pulled he felt his grip loosening even more.Let it go, he heard a high voice say softly to him,let it go and come with me.

He continued to utter violent and rebellious words in his mind, but he was powerless to voice them. He was powerless to loosen his hand from this persons grip, and he was powerless to hold on tighter to this hand that he knew he loved so much. But it was useless, and he felt part of him fall away just as the final slip of the hand allowed his love to fall away. At that same moment, he was pulled into an embrace by a smaller creature, something fragile and thin, something that he was disgusted with. But without thinking, without any warning at all, he felt his bigger arms wrap around this tiny body and embrace it tightly. His head went deep into the crook of a neck that he felt familiar with, and he could feel himself pushing his body even closer, but just as he felt he was content, four words rang in his ears:

You let me go.

Gerard woke up in a sweat. He lifted his hands to wipe his forehead, but he was only met with more sweat from his palms. He felt the dampness of his pillow. He felt the dampness of his hair. He remembered what he had dreamt, but there was no sense to be made of it. It was still dark outside. He guessed that it was around 4 in the morning. He could hear the faint breathing of Frank and it immediately put him at ease, though he was still rather troubled by the strange dream that he had just woken up from. But just as he was starting to go deeper in thought, he heard Frank make one of those noises in his sleep that always made him smile. Not even thinking about it, he moved himself out of his bed, softly letting his feet hit the ground. Slowly, and very quietly, and hoisted himself onto the top bunk and pressed himself into the space that Frank had left empty. He always slept on the left side of his bed. To Gerard’s surprise, Frank did not stir when his weight was added to the mattress. His head was resting on one of his hands, making his lips pucker out because of his cheek being pressed, and his other hand was under the thin covers. Gerard mimicked his position: his nose almost touching Frank’s, and his hand brushing his slightly under the covers; he couldn’t help but smile.

His smile grew bigger when Frank uttered another one of his famous noises, and Frank laughed a little at the sight of his eyebrows furrowing slightly.

He must be having a dream, he thought fondly. I hope it’s better than mine…

Before he could get deep in thought, Frank’s hand snatched up Gerard’s abruptly and forced it onto his pants. Gerard’s eyes grew wide at the feeling of the growing stiffness that Frank was forcing him to touch. He looked at Frank’s eyes only to see them furrow even more, and Frank’s hand began to move Gerard’s hand slowly over the spot that he had been forced to touch not seconds before. Frank kept going, and all Gerard did was stare at his face. It was almost like he was angry, but the noises that Frank made were more frequent, and they were anything but angry. Every once in a while they would reach deeper into his forehead, and his eyelids would flutter slightly, but he still slept.

It seemed like forever to Gerard, but it was only a few minutes before Frank’s hand stopped moving Gerard’s, and all he could feel was a slightly dampness on his finger tips. Frank’s face relaxed after a brief hardening of his face, but he kept Gerard’s hand held firmly in his, and Gerard did nothing to move it.

He was still staring at Frank’s peaceful face, knowing what had just happened, but not really knowing what to think of it. Then Frank’s hand moved again, out of the covers and on to Gerard’s face, and in that moment Frank’s eyes fluttered open slightly and he only spoke one, solid word as Gerard started into his sleeping eyes, “Gee.”

And with that, his eyes were closed again, and his hand went limp on Gerard’s Cheek.
Gerard was not scared, as the back of his mind was fighting with him to be. It was not hours before that Frank had confessed in a strange way what he felt for Gerard. And after that confession they had walked back into the building, brushing shoulders as they walked back into the room to play card games with the boys. They stole glances over their hands and brushed their fingers longer when they had to pass cards, but Gerard was not sure what he was doing. He was acting on his instinct. He was doing things without even thinking about them. Natural things.

This felt natural.

The dream was out of his head, out of his mind completely. The only thing that he felt was Frank’s cool touch on his face, and his presence beside him.