Billie Joe Armstrong's Rather Odd Encounter With a Psycho-Obsessive Billie Joe Lover... (one-shot) script
Billie Joe Armstrong's Rather Odd Encounter With a
“What Would Happen if Billie Joe Armstrong and Melissa Met on a Bus”
(the setting is a school bus that's headed for the Boys' and Girls' Club. BILLIE JOE is riding on it, for some strange unknown reason. So is MELISSA. And then there’s the BUS DRIVER, who has like one line and that’s it, and then there’s ME, the NARRATOR and AUTHOR. Uh yeah, that about covers it. I AM A CHIMPANZEE!!!!)
MELISSA: (staring at BILLIE JOE) Am I…SEEING…WHAT I…THINK I’M SEEING?!?
BILLIE JOE: (startled) Uh…nope.(expressing with hands, speaking dramatically) I am a figment of your imagination! Nothing more! Any moment now I shall VANISH INTO THIN AIR, only to leave you wondering whether or not you saw me at all…
MELISSA: Uh…yep. Yep I am. (beat) (shyly) Can I…sit with you?
BILLIE JOE: @#$%%$#$@$%^^%^**&&%^$%*&$%%$#$%^%$^%$^^%$^^^^^&*%%*$%^$
%&$&%*^&*&%^*&^&%*&$%^$^$^%*&%^*&^*((*&%$%#%$&%^&^*&%&$%^$&^%*^%*&^*^
&*(% YOU!!!!
MELISSA: (brightly) Thanks! (sits down next to BILLIE JOE.)
BILLIE JOE edges towards the window, eying MELISSA with genuine fear on his face, but of course MELISSA moves closer to the edge, too, with a dreamy smile on her own.
BILLIE JOE: (pushing away MELISSA) Uh…hey whatever-your-name-is, I hate to break it to you but I’m married with two kids, okay?
MELISSA stares blankly.
BILLIE JOE: *sigh*. Fine. Look, I’ll TELL YOU in a FOREIGN LANGUAGE, okay? BACK AWAY-O, from the MARRIED WITH TWO KIDS EYELINER WEARING OLD ENOUGH TO BE YOUR DAD ROCKSTAR-O. COMPRENDO?
MELISSA edges closer to BILLIE JOE.
BILLIE JOE: Fine. I’ll tell you again: (slowly) IIIII…HAAATTEEE…YOOUUU. (normally) OK?
MELISSA’S eyes turn into hearts and a big smile appears on her face.
BILLIE JOE: Look at it this way, uh…BETWEEN YOU AND ME, IT’S LIKE A LOVE-HATE RELATIONSHIP, WITHOUT THE LOVE. Got it?
As HE is saying this, BILLIE JOE pushes MELISSA away, but of course she once again moves back towards him. By this time SHE is beginning to get on HIS nerves.
BILLIE JOE: (studying copy of “Anger Management For Dummies”) (forcing words out) I—DON’T—LIKE—IT—WHEN--YOU—uh,(sneaks a glance at Melissa and backs away) (fast) LOOK AT ME LIKE I’M SOME KIND OF, uh…EXOTIC DISH…(forcing words again)BECAUSE-IT-MAKES-ME FEEL…(tosses book out window) eh, screw that…get AWAY from my personal space, you OBSESSIVE, MENTAL STALKER!!!! AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!
The BUS DRIVER, who until now has been completely oblivious to the main happenings of the script, turns around and gives BILLIE JOE a weird look.
BUS DRIVER: Hey, NO YELLING, understand? The Boys and Girls Club is a happy place. Remember: happy. Nothing that doesn’t have joy-joy happy-happy is allowed. OK? OK!!!(calming down) Aaaand…come to think of it, what’s a grown man doing on a school bus, anyway?
BILLIE JOE: I dunno. (beat) Probably has to do with some CRAPPY PLOTTING by the AUTHOR...
(AUTHOR appears holding a meat cleaver to BILLIE JOE’S throat.)
AUTHOR: TAKE…THAT…BACK…OR I WILL STAB YOU REPEATEDLY, FORCE YOUR HEART OUT OF YOUR RIB CAGE, AND STOMP ON IT UNTIL YOU DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BILLIE JOE: (under breath) Now, why couldn’t the bus driver hear that...
AUTHOR: TAKE IT BACK!!!! SAY IT!!!! SAY IT!!!!!!!!!!
BILLIE JOE: Okay, okay, I take it back! Geez! From now on I’ll just say I got held back 20 years in a row. Now can I PLEASE have my neck back?
(AUTHOR reluctantly lets go and vanishes into thin air.)
BILLIE JOE: (rubbing neck as he stares out window) Glad that’s over…(turns and sees Melissa, whose eyes still are hearts)
MELISSA: (bouncing up and down in seat, grinning like a psycho)I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!
BILLIE JOE:(stares out window, ignoring her)(under breath) It’s times like this…that I wish I’d done what my parents told me to and became a lawyer…(leans against wall and falls asleep)
(At this point a dreamy sort of music plays, the scene fades out, and a new scene appears, with fog around the edges, to show that it is BILLIE JOE’S dream. BILLIE JOE is sitting at a desk at an office, wearing a suit. The phone rings and he picks it up.)
BILLIE JOE :(cheerily, into phone) Hello. You are speaking to Billie Joe Armstrong, attorney-at-law. May I help you?
(BILLIE JOE wakes up screaming [and for good reason])
BILLIE JOE: AAAAGGGHHH!!!!! THE HORROR!!!! THE HORROR!!!!!! GAAAAAAH!!!!!!!
BUS DRIVER: (turning around, giving BILLIE JOE weird look) Hey, no nightmares allowed either! And no heartwrenching, tormented screams of pain and anguish! If it ain’t happy, I don’t allow it, BIATCH!!!!
The BUS DRIVER smiles smugly as he says this, but we can see through the front window that the bus is going to hit a tree…which it DOES, unfortunately, with a loud crack.
(everyone on bus except BILLIE JOE): AAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!
Everyone scrambles frantically to get off the bus, save for BILLIE JOE.
BILLIE JOE:(completely oblivious) Oh God, it was terrible…I was in an office…and it gets worse. Get this: I WAS A LAWYER!!! ME!!! A LAWYER!!!! AND I HAD THE SUIT AND EVERYTHING!!!! OH MY GOD IT WAS SO AWFUl!!! (begins to calm down, and realizes what’s happening around him) Uh-oh…(the bus starts to turn sideways) (flatly) Great. Now I’m REALLY screwed…
Everyone except BILLIE JOE is standing outside the bus, unharmed. They are all staring at it and wondering...
BILLIE JOE: (muffled) I’M OK!!! (crawls out of wreckage, direly beat up)
Everyone cheers and claps and whatever, except for Melissa who, obviously embarrassed, hides behind someone else.
BILLIE JOE: (walks up to Melissa and yells.) YOU-MENTAL FACILITY—5 YEARS!!! (takes deep breath) ME--THERAPY—THE REST OF MY LIFE WHICH IS NOW ULTIMATELY RUINED BECAUSE OF YOU!!!!!!
BILLIE JOE stalks off in a huff, and MELISSA sighs dreamily, just as the screen fades out...
BLACKOUT
DA END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(the setting is a school bus that's headed for the Boys' and Girls' Club. BILLIE JOE is riding on it, for some strange unknown reason. So is MELISSA. And then there’s the BUS DRIVER, who has like one line and that’s it, and then there’s ME, the NARRATOR and AUTHOR. Uh yeah, that about covers it. I AM A CHIMPANZEE!!!!)
MELISSA: (staring at BILLIE JOE) Am I…SEEING…WHAT I…THINK I’M SEEING?!?
BILLIE JOE: (startled) Uh…nope.(expressing with hands, speaking dramatically) I am a figment of your imagination! Nothing more! Any moment now I shall VANISH INTO THIN AIR, only to leave you wondering whether or not you saw me at all…
MELISSA: Uh…yep. Yep I am. (beat) (shyly) Can I…sit with you?
BILLIE JOE: @#$%%$#$@$%^^%^**&&%^$%*&$%%$#$%^%$^%$^^%$^^^^^&*%%*$%^$
%&$&%*^&*&%^*&^&%*&$%^$^$^%*&%^*&^*((*&%$%#%$&%^&^*&%&$%^$&^%*^%*&^*^
&*(% YOU!!!!
MELISSA: (brightly) Thanks! (sits down next to BILLIE JOE.)
BILLIE JOE edges towards the window, eying MELISSA with genuine fear on his face, but of course MELISSA moves closer to the edge, too, with a dreamy smile on her own.
BILLIE JOE: (pushing away MELISSA) Uh…hey whatever-your-name-is, I hate to break it to you but I’m married with two kids, okay?
MELISSA stares blankly.
BILLIE JOE: *sigh*. Fine. Look, I’ll TELL YOU in a FOREIGN LANGUAGE, okay? BACK AWAY-O, from the MARRIED WITH TWO KIDS EYELINER WEARING OLD ENOUGH TO BE YOUR DAD ROCKSTAR-O. COMPRENDO?
MELISSA edges closer to BILLIE JOE.
BILLIE JOE: Fine. I’ll tell you again: (slowly) IIIII…HAAATTEEE…YOOUUU. (normally) OK?
MELISSA’S eyes turn into hearts and a big smile appears on her face.
BILLIE JOE: Look at it this way, uh…BETWEEN YOU AND ME, IT’S LIKE A LOVE-HATE RELATIONSHIP, WITHOUT THE LOVE. Got it?
As HE is saying this, BILLIE JOE pushes MELISSA away, but of course she once again moves back towards him. By this time SHE is beginning to get on HIS nerves.
BILLIE JOE: (studying copy of “Anger Management For Dummies”) (forcing words out) I—DON’T—LIKE—IT—WHEN--YOU—uh,(sneaks a glance at Melissa and backs away) (fast) LOOK AT ME LIKE I’M SOME KIND OF, uh…EXOTIC DISH…(forcing words again)BECAUSE-IT-MAKES-ME FEEL…(tosses book out window) eh, screw that…get AWAY from my personal space, you OBSESSIVE, MENTAL STALKER!!!! AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!
The BUS DRIVER, who until now has been completely oblivious to the main happenings of the script, turns around and gives BILLIE JOE a weird look.
BUS DRIVER: Hey, NO YELLING, understand? The Boys and Girls Club is a happy place. Remember: happy. Nothing that doesn’t have joy-joy happy-happy is allowed. OK? OK!!!(calming down) Aaaand…come to think of it, what’s a grown man doing on a school bus, anyway?
BILLIE JOE: I dunno. (beat) Probably has to do with some CRAPPY PLOTTING by the AUTHOR...
(AUTHOR appears holding a meat cleaver to BILLIE JOE’S throat.)
AUTHOR: TAKE…THAT…BACK…OR I WILL STAB YOU REPEATEDLY, FORCE YOUR HEART OUT OF YOUR RIB CAGE, AND STOMP ON IT UNTIL YOU DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BILLIE JOE: (under breath) Now, why couldn’t the bus driver hear that...
AUTHOR: TAKE IT BACK!!!! SAY IT!!!! SAY IT!!!!!!!!!!
BILLIE JOE: Okay, okay, I take it back! Geez! From now on I’ll just say I got held back 20 years in a row. Now can I PLEASE have my neck back?
(AUTHOR reluctantly lets go and vanishes into thin air.)
BILLIE JOE: (rubbing neck as he stares out window) Glad that’s over…(turns and sees Melissa, whose eyes still are hearts)
MELISSA: (bouncing up and down in seat, grinning like a psycho)I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!
BILLIE JOE:(stares out window, ignoring her)(under breath) It’s times like this…that I wish I’d done what my parents told me to and became a lawyer…(leans against wall and falls asleep)
(At this point a dreamy sort of music plays, the scene fades out, and a new scene appears, with fog around the edges, to show that it is BILLIE JOE’S dream. BILLIE JOE is sitting at a desk at an office, wearing a suit. The phone rings and he picks it up.)
BILLIE JOE :(cheerily, into phone) Hello. You are speaking to Billie Joe Armstrong, attorney-at-law. May I help you?
(BILLIE JOE wakes up screaming [and for good reason])
BILLIE JOE: AAAAGGGHHH!!!!! THE HORROR!!!! THE HORROR!!!!!! GAAAAAAH!!!!!!!
BUS DRIVER: (turning around, giving BILLIE JOE weird look) Hey, no nightmares allowed either! And no heartwrenching, tormented screams of pain and anguish! If it ain’t happy, I don’t allow it, BIATCH!!!!
The BUS DRIVER smiles smugly as he says this, but we can see through the front window that the bus is going to hit a tree…which it DOES, unfortunately, with a loud crack.
(everyone on bus except BILLIE JOE): AAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!
Everyone scrambles frantically to get off the bus, save for BILLIE JOE.
BILLIE JOE:(completely oblivious) Oh God, it was terrible…I was in an office…and it gets worse. Get this: I WAS A LAWYER!!! ME!!! A LAWYER!!!! AND I HAD THE SUIT AND EVERYTHING!!!! OH MY GOD IT WAS SO AWFUl!!! (begins to calm down, and realizes what’s happening around him) Uh-oh…(the bus starts to turn sideways) (flatly) Great. Now I’m REALLY screwed…
Everyone except BILLIE JOE is standing outside the bus, unharmed. They are all staring at it and wondering...
BILLIE JOE: (muffled) I’M OK!!! (crawls out of wreckage, direly beat up)
Everyone cheers and claps and whatever, except for Melissa who, obviously embarrassed, hides behind someone else.
BILLIE JOE: (walks up to Melissa and yells.) YOU-MENTAL FACILITY—5 YEARS!!! (takes deep breath) ME--THERAPY—THE REST OF MY LIFE WHICH IS NOW ULTIMATELY RUINED BECAUSE OF YOU!!!!!!
BILLIE JOE stalks off in a huff, and MELISSA sighs dreamily, just as the screen fades out...
BLACKOUT
DA END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!