Am I Pretty Enough Yet?
Update 1
Lifting the little bottle from the cabinet gently, the light, smooth-surfaced object held tightly between her index finger and her thumb, she sighed, opening the bottle of eyeliner before painting a thick, black rim around her eyes. ’Here I go again,’ she thought to herself tiredly, ’getting all dressed up for my saviour that will never come..’ She blinked rapidly as the liquid ventured into her eye, the stinging sensation causing her eye to water a remarkable amount.
“Damn..” she wiped it off, scrubbing at her face roughly, “You know what? Fuck it.” She closed the eyeliner bottle, replacing it in her make-up bag and making her way to her small, dark bedroom. Lit by purple, fluffy fairy lights, mommy’s little princess. Who now felt more like mommy’s little nightmare, mommy’s little disaster, mommy’s little failure. Kay could feel her mum’s sense of disappointment in her, the way she spoke to her, the way she acted around her. How Kay had never received a smile from her mother, not in what must have been a dark, lonely six months now. She sat down on her soft-quilted bed, the bed springs squeaked slightly as she ran her hands over the soft, silky fabric. The cushions fluffy, as her hand reached something she had thrown to the side many a time. The thing that held painful reminders of him, painful memories enclosed in such a small, shabby teddy bear. The last gift he had given her, before he had gone away. Before he had left his little girl, his darling daughter. Left her in the dark to his whereabouts, why he left. Not even a goodbye hug, not a note, or letter. Not one phone call had she received from her father since he left. He’s as good as dead, for all Kay knows, and knowing that, tears her apart inside. Knowing there should be a father figure looking over her shoulder, to protect her, to guide her the way out of tricky situations. To tell her she’s beautiful no matter how much she disbelieves it. To tease her about boyfriends, to tickle her when she least wants it. But most of all, just to be there.
Picking up the scruffy teddy bear, matching it’s name of ‘Scruffy’ perfectly with it’s appearance. She remembered the day she had received this gift, she thought it was the most amazing thing ever invented. Her very own teddy bear! How he had given her it for no reason, no reason at all. He had come home from work, dirty, filthy, covered in oil, smears of it all over his cheeks, but he’d cleaned his hands. His blue worksuit also covered drastically, so you could hardly tell it’s true colour. The way she had giggled as his cheeky grin spread across his cheeks, the way his blue eyes always lit up when he saw his little girl.
“Hey up, there’s my little girl then, daddy’s got a present for you!” he exclaimed, seeming ecstatic as he handed her the teddy bear, her squeal of happiness had echoed through the room, which was brightly lit by the chandelier that hung high above her head. She had hugged his leg at that very point, she was the height of just above his kneecap, before running off to her room jumping up and down on her bed clutching the teddy bear tightly.
Kay missed those days, really. Her father had never returned, he had went to work one morning, little did Kay know that was the last time she would ever see her father. Where was he? Who was he with? What has be been doing all these years? There were countless questions that would invade her mind, and every time it felt like she wanted to self destruct, just to be gone, never to feel this pain again.
Kay felt that perhaps her father was to blame for all of this, he was never there to support her in anything she ever did. He never told her she was beautiful, pretty, his gorgeous little girl. Not a birthday card, Christmas card, nothing. Therefore she felt herself unworthy of anybody’s time. Collapsing on her bed she sighed, a silent tear running down her soft, pale cheeks, as they had did many times before. She felt the trickling sensation run, used to the feeling, used to the hurt, the pain, but it was getting increasingly more each and every day. She’d feel less worthwhile, less pretty, more alone than ever. She was lucky if her mother even spoke to her once in a day now, no matter how much Kay would speak to her, hope for her mother to acknowledge her existence, nothing. Her mother’s bright green eyes had dimmed, to a kind off moss green, lost their sparkle, her auburn hair that was once full of life and shine, seemed to have faded. Somehow, Kay felt this was all her fault, putting her mother through the stress of trying to get her to go to school each morning for months on end, now she’d just given up. Stopped trying, she’d did all she could do, it was up to Kay now, and Kay realised how lonely life can get without anyone. But then again, she wasn’t worthy.
“Damn..” she wiped it off, scrubbing at her face roughly, “You know what? Fuck it.” She closed the eyeliner bottle, replacing it in her make-up bag and making her way to her small, dark bedroom. Lit by purple, fluffy fairy lights, mommy’s little princess. Who now felt more like mommy’s little nightmare, mommy’s little disaster, mommy’s little failure. Kay could feel her mum’s sense of disappointment in her, the way she spoke to her, the way she acted around her. How Kay had never received a smile from her mother, not in what must have been a dark, lonely six months now. She sat down on her soft-quilted bed, the bed springs squeaked slightly as she ran her hands over the soft, silky fabric. The cushions fluffy, as her hand reached something she had thrown to the side many a time. The thing that held painful reminders of him, painful memories enclosed in such a small, shabby teddy bear. The last gift he had given her, before he had gone away. Before he had left his little girl, his darling daughter. Left her in the dark to his whereabouts, why he left. Not even a goodbye hug, not a note, or letter. Not one phone call had she received from her father since he left. He’s as good as dead, for all Kay knows, and knowing that, tears her apart inside. Knowing there should be a father figure looking over her shoulder, to protect her, to guide her the way out of tricky situations. To tell her she’s beautiful no matter how much she disbelieves it. To tease her about boyfriends, to tickle her when she least wants it. But most of all, just to be there.
Picking up the scruffy teddy bear, matching it’s name of ‘Scruffy’ perfectly with it’s appearance. She remembered the day she had received this gift, she thought it was the most amazing thing ever invented. Her very own teddy bear! How he had given her it for no reason, no reason at all. He had come home from work, dirty, filthy, covered in oil, smears of it all over his cheeks, but he’d cleaned his hands. His blue worksuit also covered drastically, so you could hardly tell it’s true colour. The way she had giggled as his cheeky grin spread across his cheeks, the way his blue eyes always lit up when he saw his little girl.
“Hey up, there’s my little girl then, daddy’s got a present for you!” he exclaimed, seeming ecstatic as he handed her the teddy bear, her squeal of happiness had echoed through the room, which was brightly lit by the chandelier that hung high above her head. She had hugged his leg at that very point, she was the height of just above his kneecap, before running off to her room jumping up and down on her bed clutching the teddy bear tightly.
Kay missed those days, really. Her father had never returned, he had went to work one morning, little did Kay know that was the last time she would ever see her father. Where was he? Who was he with? What has be been doing all these years? There were countless questions that would invade her mind, and every time it felt like she wanted to self destruct, just to be gone, never to feel this pain again.
Kay felt that perhaps her father was to blame for all of this, he was never there to support her in anything she ever did. He never told her she was beautiful, pretty, his gorgeous little girl. Not a birthday card, Christmas card, nothing. Therefore she felt herself unworthy of anybody’s time. Collapsing on her bed she sighed, a silent tear running down her soft, pale cheeks, as they had did many times before. She felt the trickling sensation run, used to the feeling, used to the hurt, the pain, but it was getting increasingly more each and every day. She’d feel less worthwhile, less pretty, more alone than ever. She was lucky if her mother even spoke to her once in a day now, no matter how much Kay would speak to her, hope for her mother to acknowledge her existence, nothing. Her mother’s bright green eyes had dimmed, to a kind off moss green, lost their sparkle, her auburn hair that was once full of life and shine, seemed to have faded. Somehow, Kay felt this was all her fault, putting her mother through the stress of trying to get her to go to school each morning for months on end, now she’d just given up. Stopped trying, she’d did all she could do, it was up to Kay now, and Kay realised how lonely life can get without anyone. But then again, she wasn’t worthy.