The Secret Life Of Nerds

"No!"

"Are you joking? We always, always, do some sort of spread on the transfer kids, and the new kids! Seriously, no one reads them except for the girls who want to get into the new transfer student's pants! (There seemed to an unwritten rule that all of the guy transfer students seemed to be hot. Maybe it was the accent...) No one can remember the new kids' names, so why waste space in the newspaper putting trash that no one will read?" Audrey exclaimed, her red-golden hair flashing in the wind.

"No!" Cried Mr. Hyde heavily, perhaps for the fifth time.

Taking in a deep breath, "But.... why?" Audrey said, impatiently.

"One, it gives us, the busybody newspaper to scope out anyone who is interested in joining the newspaper. Two, those girls who want to, ahem, 'get into their pants' become aware that we actually do have a newspaper, and will continue buying the newspaper. That is also the reason we have those silly articles for female eyes only. Three, it does make the transfer and new kids feel welcome, they might make new friends this way, and maybe the lay of the land." Audrey laughed at this point. "And finally", he said, ticking the numbers off his fingers, he said, "Fourthly, it's the Principal's demand. And what she wants, she will get." Audrey finished the last part by heart, aware that the principal ruled the school.

"So." Audrey looked up forlornly, and put on a falsely cheerful voice. "Who do I get to interview?"

Flipping his clipboard that seemed to hold about two inches of work about the newspaper, he rummaged through the papers, until finding one. Holding it up triumphantly, he skimmed through it before jabbing his finger at a name.

"Edvard Utrect-Branks."

"Wait, Mr. Hyde. That's the one from England? The transfer student who's moving here?" Audrey asked, getting excited.

Peering at the paper more closely, he said "Yup. That's the one."

Laughing now, Audrey continued. "I don't even have to interview him. Seriously, the headline could read: Pompous Arse Moves Over the Pond. The article would be about how he is so pleasantly looking forward to joining the swim, polo, and crew teams. Also, how he is looking forward to making girls swoon using his shadow, how overjoyed how much richer he is, and also how his is descended from the queen herself."

"While that article might be enjoyable for someone who is used to reading the National Enquirer, we are the Phantom Press. A little class might help. Interview him. Get it done with; it's like pulling a tooth. The quicker you get it done with, the quicker it's over." Shutting the clipboard, which signified that the conversation was over with, he was about to leave the room. "However, if you can incorporate how he does make girls faint, bonus points for you."

"Thanks, Mr. Hyde. Thanks." Letting her head drop, she jerked it up suddenly.

"Hey- Mr. Hyde!" Running out of the newspaper room, she caught up to the teacher.

"Do you mind sending him to the newspaper room now? I don't have anything to do, and I'm sure that the 'interviewee' wouldn't mind." Smiling sarcastically, she crossed her arms and started tapping her foot.

"Sure...Sure..." Mr. Hyde mumbled, obviously anxious to get to his break.

Her tight smiled uncomfortably across her face. "Thanks."

Turning back towards the newsroom, she plodded dismally until the she shut the door behind her. The newsroom was basically a computer lab, but in the middle was a huge printer, and one of the walls was a bookshelf of all of the newspapers that ever came out. Sitting down at her assigned computer, she turned it on and opened the document Word. Banging her head against the desk several times, she groaned. This was going to be like pulling teeth. She had always harbored a loathing towards stupid jocks.

Knock. Knock. Kno- The door opened, and he came in.

He was perfect, and Audrey tried not to stare obnoxiously. Well, the stupidness and the handsomeness really even out, don't they. Not to put it bluntly, but he was built like a prince. Chocolate hair perfectly curled, and a build that anyone would envy for.

"Uh, um, I was told to come to room one-hundred and forty five." he said, his accent crisping the words.

Audrey nodded self-importantly. "Yeah. I'm here to interview you for the Phantom Press. My name is Audrey."

"Yes. My name is-"

"Edvard Utrect-Banks. You moved from London, England, where you had formerly gone to a privet school. You excel in sports, and you got good marks in English, History, French, and Science. We're all done with the first two sentences of the interview, now." She looked up from her keyboard.
"You can cease your amazement." She said politely. "Now, for the most boring and yet necessary question of all, what is your favourite colour?"

"Navy Blue?" He said uncertainly.

She typed rapidly on her keyboard. "Why did you and your family move?"

He seemed to slip into a bored, done-it-all mode. "My father got promoted to the U.S. branch of his company, this was the town where we found our house, where it was near the city, and it had an acceptable school."

Audrey snorted. This high school has the highest average test scores in the state! "I see. Now, do you plan on joining any sports teams?"

"Since it is only the second week of school, none of the sports teams have started yet. However, soccer will start soon, polo is being started up, and swimming and crew are in the spring and summer seasons. I hope that I can find time for all of them, and still be able to balance out my schoolwork."

Now silently laughing in her mind- he was going exactly as planned. Boring, handsome, good at sports. "Favourite book?"

"Uh, To Kill A Mockingbird, or, maybe, The Great Gatsby. This might sound lame, but one of my good friends gave me the book Stotan!, and while it isn't the type of book that I normally read, it was fantastic. Made me completely evaluate swimming again."

Maybe this loaf of mass-handsome loaf of mass, granted-actually has a brain. Audrey pondered. "Favourite movie?"

"Monty Python and the Holy Grail."

As the interview went on, and on, soon it was over.

"I think you can expect to see your name soon in our next edition of our newspaper, Edvard." Audrey slipped on a false smile and shook his hand.

"Really? So soon?" Edvard inquired.

"As you can see, I was typing the answers as you saying them. I really only need to pretty it up, and get a photographer to take a picture, send it to my editor, and I'm done."

"That seems like a lot of steps."

"It's not." Smiling whimsically, she ushered him out of the room and started on semi-dull interview, determined to it at least slightly interesting.