Rachie's Fantasy Island

It was a bright, sunny day on Rachsteria Lane (probably because she had just gotten off the rag). Everyone was enjoying the weather and cleaning up the blood that had rained over everyone. All the guys (except David Archuleta and Matt Scannell) on Rachie's Fantasy Island regrew their penises with great joy and everything was right on the Island. Except for one thing...

Andrew's sunglasses were broken.

Andrew was an employee at Rachie Muggs, which was the coffee shop that was managed by The Joker. Andrew was very, very smoking hot and always wore coolass dark sunglasses. As far as looks, God personalized Andrew himself. Andrew was tall, lean and very hot. He had curlyish brown hair and brown eyes. And he told people how bad caffeine is for you, which is strange cos he works in a coffee shop. But he promotes decaf coffee.

Anyway, Andrew made his way down to Rachie's Eyewear, which is where Kevin Covais (AKA "Chicken Little") from American Idol works. Since Kevin is very narcisistic, he plays the Chicken Little soundtrack in the store 24/7. He has to replace the soundtrack weekly since it always plays. And sometimes he comes over the intercom and screams, "The sky is falling!"

But since Kevin is such a sports dork he has ESPN on all the time and the TV looks like his face.

So Andrew walked in there while Kevin was watching ESPN and singing along to the Chicken Little soundtrack, not knowing what was going on. Andrew stopped at the front counter and leaned against it, looking all God-like as usual.

"Yo," said Andrew in his smooth, hot voice.

Chicken Little looked up from his TV and his eyes popped out of his head. Well, they popped through his glasses, then his head.

He couldn't believe all four of his eyes: He had a COSTUMER!

"Good afternoon! What the BRUHKAH! can I get you?"

See, Kevin always made chicken noises when he was intending to swear. So you'll never hear him swear. EVER!

"A new pair of sunglasses. Dark sunglasses. Stat." Andrew pulled his wallet out and waited for Kevin to get him his new sunglasses.

"Right, of BIHGAH! course. Comin' right the BRAWK! up!" Kevin rushed into the back room and went into the special room that was dedicated to Andrew, who was about the only one that ever came there, and grabbed a pair of the many duplicated sunglasses back there.

He returned and handed Andrew his sunglasses, then took the money from Andrew's hand and began to flick through it. He even pecked it a little like a chicken. Andrew, not giving two shits, turned on his heel and put on his sunglasses, then walked out of the store.

Back at the Rachie House, things were in its usual chaos. Patrick was dancing through the dining room, throwing fairy dust all over the place because Mark was being fed rotten eggs yet again.

"Oh my God, Teddydore," said Mark, trying to breathe through the burnt, old eggs that were literally being shoved down his throat via a baseball bat (thanks to T.R.). "I'm gonna, like, get fat!"

"Shut up and eat your nigro eggs!" T.R. exclaimed, shoving the rest down his throat. He smacked Mark on the back of his head and walked off with his bat over his shoulder.

Mark let out a long, loud, squeely fart and passed out, hitting his head very hard on the table. Patrick danced over and threw fairy dust on him.

"She is the prom queen, and I'm in the marching band! She is the cheerleader and I'm sittin' in the stands, she gets the top bunk and I'm sleepin' on the floor, she's Miss America...And I'm just the girl next door!" Patrick sang, waving his wand around and beating more clouds of intoxicating green gas.

Billie Joe and T.R. walked back into the room, both carrying metal wiffle bats, and stopped behind Mark. They both began to beat him stupid for five minutes straight before getting bored, so they went into the bathroom to count their facial hairs.

"I SO have more than you," said Billie.

"No way, bitch. I totally have more cos I'm more manly. Holla!" T exclaimed, shoving the door open.

Sadly for them, they had walked in on Mike Delfino taking a shower. And there was no steam or dirt or anything on the glass shower doors cos Rachie makes the Blexican (black and Mexican racial mix) fairies keep them absolutely PERFECT for her viewing pleasure.

"Oh my GOD," Billie exclaimed.

T.R. screamed like a girl and grabbed Billie Joe by the arm, pulling him back down the three flights of steps they had just climbed.

"My eyes!" T exclaimed. "My eyes! Oh my God, I'm gonna DIE." They stopped back in the dining room and saw Mark raise up from the table.

"Oh em gee, Teddy bear, my jaw hurts," Mark said in his femmy, gayass voice.

"No shit, we just beat you with two metal wiffle bats for five minutes," said Billie.

"Duh!" T exclaimed, smacking Mark with his bat.

"No, my teeth! Owwie!" He rubbed his jaw like a bigass baby before pulling out his little compact mirror. He opened it and it immediately wolf whistled cos he, like Kevin Covais, was a narcisist.

"OH MY GOD!" he shouted, throwing the mirror on the other side of the room.

"What's the matter now, you little flame thrower?" Billie asked in a dull voice.

"I'm growing EIGHT wisdom teeth! Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God..." he said, panicking.

"WHAT?!" T shouted, sticking his finger in his ear. He pulled out a potato and an ear of corn, then stared at Mark. "Okay, repeat that, please."

Mark threw his arms above his head and began screaming.

"I'm growing EIGHT wisdom teeth!"

"Lemme see," said Billie Joe, the slight braver one between him and T.

Mark opened his big pirana mouth up. Billie peered inside and saw eight wisdom teeth growing. Since there wasn't much room left, there was one that was starting to grow through his jaw, which would stick out so the whole entire world could see it.

"Wow... Mark, you're gonna be even uglier now! Congratulations!" Billie squealed happily.

"Yay! Mark, we can nominate you for the Ugliest Dog competition!" T said with great enthusiasm.

"Let's not put down the dogs," said Billie.

"Right. Maybe we'll enter him in the half breed competition," said T.

"You KNOW my purpose in life is the be the sexiest half man, half chihuahua in the world, right?!" Mark shouted. He giggled and looked T up. "Of course you already knew that, Teddy bear." He tickled T under his chin.

Suddenly a large, blinding light flashed all over the island, which was a sign that Rachie was about to enter the world. Normally everyone would be scared shitless, because it was like the second coming of Jesus Christ at a Swinger's Convention, but since it was the day after her period, they knew she'd be in a good mood.

She slowly lowered herself into the kitchen, wearing her (in)famous whore shirt. She raised her almighty pimp hand and slapped the shit out of Mark and his eight wisdom teeth.

"Don't touch Leenut's man, you chihuahua! Holla!" She high fived Billie and T before going into the Love Chamber to release Patrick since she wanted him and Mike Delfino to paint the house.

"Oweh! Oh my God, I have a booboo!" Mark shouted.

Sanjaya bounced into the room.

"Ohh emm gee! I hearzie that Rachie is here! Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, OH. MY. GOD. Where iz she?!"

"Love Chamber," Billie and T responded at the same time.

"Yay!" Sanjaya exclaimed, bouncing into the Love Chamber.

Sanjaya was like Rachel's sidekick. Speaking as the plagerist of this story, I must offer my opinion: I'm pretty sure that she only keeps him around because he can give her whatever the hell she wants. And that does in fact include tickets to a Vertical Horizon concert. But it doesn't matter if the tickets are sold out anyway, cos she can just smite and kick out the nonimportant people that have tickets so she has a few so she doesn't have to sit near or around anyone. And they're also front row seats so she can wave at Matt Scannell and Keith Kane and give them the rock on sign. Fo sho'.

Rachie and Sanjaya got their lawn chairs sat up in the yard and watched as Mike Delfino and Patrick Dempsey climbed up the tallass step ladders that reached up into the heavens so they could paint the Joker's room. Joker wasn't around that much since he had to watch over Rachie Muggs, since he was so excited about that job. Rachel told him that he could "put a smile" on someone's face if they bitched about: Andrew, shitty coffee, and her being so impatient with certain people. Joker did this a lot because people liked to make fun of Andrew for wearing sunglasses inside. Hence why Joker was ALWAYS at Rachie Muggs.

"A little higher, you hot assholes!" Rachie shouted at Mike and Patrick. "And Patrick, you missed a spot!"

Patrick, who took pride in doing a perfect job ALWAYS, immediately painted the missed spot. And Rachie made sure she took thirty-five photos of Patrick's tight ass.

Rachie felt the need to listen to a little David Archuleta, so she closed her eyes and within 0.00001 seconds a stage appeared a few feet from the house. A backup band appeared on the stage with all their equipment and a microphone was at the front of the stage. All of a sudden, David Archuleta appeared behind the microphone and they began playing "Waiting For Yesterday."

Rachel swooned and stopped watching Patrick and Mike and focused her attention on David and his angelic voice that NEVER missed a note.

"You and me, all alone, girl. What's going on? Will you tell me what's wrong? It's like you're locked up in your own world, oh, with nothin' to say."

Rachie sighed and swooned, feeling so connected with his lyrics. She made a glass of iced coffee appear in her and Sanjaya's hands. They toasted to hot guys and David Archuleta, then drank up.

Inside the Rachie House Mark was screaming his manhuahua head off because he had a tooth sticking out of his jaw.

"I'm like...so ugly!" he cried.

"We've been telling you that for a year now and you're just now realizing it?" T said, eating pizza. He accidentally slopped pizza sauce down his chin.

Mark's eyes widened.

"I'll lick that off of you!" he exclaimed, leaping on T.

"GET OFF ME!" T shouted, throwing him off.

Mark yelped like a little chihuahua and hurried out of the room.