I Never Told You What I Did for a Living

I quickly moved through the apartment, picking up everything that belonged to me. Just as I was about to leave, I realized that I was still wearing one of Gerard's t-shirts. I sighed and dug through my bag to find one of my own and switched them, folding his shirt and setting it on his bed.

As I left, my phone rang in my pocket. I looked at the caller ID. It was Mikey. I really didn't feel like talking, so I let it ring until he got my voice mail.

I drove through the city, not yet ready to go back home. I travelled aimlessly, and eventually found myself in a deserted parking lot. It took me a long moment to realize exactly where I was. It was the art school where I'd first met Gerard.

That was when I broke down.

I just sat there, for what seemed like hours, crying. It wasn't often that I was in self-pity, but that day I was full of it. Did I do the right thing? Were we both better off when he didn't know?

As soon as I felt ready to drive, I left the parking lot. I still wasn't ready to go home, but I knew I had no other choice. I pulled into the driveway and got all my things out of my car. I let myself into the house, which was locked and empty. Mom must have been at work still.

I noticed suddenly that I was starving. I hadn't eaten in... well, since before I got hung over. I went to the fridge and found a take-out container of Chinese food. I ate some noodles and then went to unpack. Something told me I'd be here awhile.

I started to put my clothes in my desser drawers, but soon grew tired of it. Instead, I curled up on my bed and wrapped myself in a quilt. I heard the door close downstairs, but made no movement.

"Lily? Are you home?"

Why else would my car be parked outside?

"Yeah," I called.

I listened as my mother climbed the stairs and came into my room.

"Where the hell were you?" she demanded.

"It doesn't matter. I'm home now."

"Give me your car keys."

"What?" I sat up instantly. "You can't do that!"

"I can do whatever it takes to keep you home and safe."

"Whatever," I grumbled, laying back down. "They're on the kitchen table. It's not like I'll need them."

She seemed slightly shocked that I wasn't putting up a bigger fight. "And why not?"

"Because I'm just going to lay here and waste away. There's nothing out there for me anymore."

She sat warily on the edge of my bed. "Want to talk about it?"

"Nope."

"Lily, I really think it would be healthy if we talked more."

"So talk."

"I want to know what's been going on with you lately."

I paused, unsure of what to tell her. The way she spoke made it sound as though she actually cared. Of course, she had always managed to fake it when others were around, maybe this was like those times.

"Nothing," I lied.

"Lily, I'm your mother. I know there's something wrong. Are you okay?"

"No, I'm really not okay. Nothing's okay!"

Her face showed worry. "I know you were at that Gerard boy's house, Lily. What happened with him?"

"He almost died, that's what happened!" I sat up again and leaned against my headboard. "We got into a huge fight at the hospital and I left. I just... I don't know what to do anymore. He was the only person who understood me, the only one who cared. Now I'm alone, just like before. I love him, Mom."

She patted my arm. "I know you don't want to hear this, but it's probably for the best. You're much too young to be that serious with a boy. He's not worth your tears, you know. You're a great girl and you've got to try out a few more options before getting that close to anyone."

"Didn't you just hear me?" I glared, disgusted at the way she was handling this. "He's the only one who wants me around. I don't want any other options. I just want him!"

"You're exaggerating. I'm sure lots of boys at school think you're great."

"No, they don't. Everyone in that entire school hates me. I'm an outcast."

"What about Jill?"

"Jill's a backstabbing whore, so I made her mom believe that she got pregnant. We're not friends anymore."

"What a terrible thing to do! I didn't raise you to be like that!"

"You didn't raise me, Mom. I've been on my own since day one. Gerard let me forget about all that. Now it's all painfully real again."

"Let's not have this same argument again. I couldn't handle it if you left again."

"If we're going to avoid it, we're just going to have to stop talking. If you don't mind, I want to be alone right now."

Without another word, she stood and left my room, closing the door behind her. When she was gone, I pulled the blanket around my ears and simply lay there. I couldn't seem to think or feel anything. My mind seemed to shut off and I couldn't focus. I could hear my phone ringing, but I couldn't move to answer it.

I was paralyzed by the thought of losing Gerard.