I Never Told You What I Did for a Living

As if it mirrored my mood and thoughts, the weather grew continually worse. I watched through my bedroom window as the clouds rolled in and replaced the blue, sunny skies with grey, misty ones. I spent the entire day wrapped in my quilt in my pajamas, curled up in a chair by my window. Beside me, my sketchbook lay open on a small end table. My latest pictures weren't dealing with suicide, but with my broken heart. The only thing that interrupted the silence was the occasional scratching of a pencil on paper, or the rumble of thunder in the distance.

I didn't speak, even when my mother came in and brought me a sandwich. My phone rang every now and then, but I didn't answer it. When I finally picked it up and looked at it, there were four voice mails. Since they didn't require talking, I decided to check them. The first was from Mikey.

"Hey, Lily, it's Mikey. I just talked to Gerard and I want you to know how bad he feels right now. He never meant to hurt you, he just panicked. Call me when you get this, okay? I really want to talk to you."

The second was from Ray.

"Hey, I just wanted you to know that I'm here at the hospital visiting your boyfriend. He misses you, Lily. I know Mikey called you yesterday, but I just want to keep you updated. Call me later, if you're up to it."

I didn't even need to check the third, I knew it was from Frank.

"Hey there sweetie-pie. We're all here at the hospital and we miss you! Gerard told us everything, and we all want to know if you're okay. Please let us know how you're doing. I'm worried. We just want to know that you're okay, Lily."

I assumed that the fourth would be from Gerard, but I was wrong. It was Mikey again.

"Hey, Lily. I wish you could see Gerard right now. He needs you. If you won't believe us, just come down here and see for yourself. If not, call back and let me know that you're alive, at least. We all miss you. Hope to talk to you soon."

A very small part of me was cheered up by the messages. The guys missed me, at least. I still wasn't totally convinced about Gerard, though. If he wanted me back, he was going to have to tell me himself.

I tossed my phone onto my bed and turned back to my window. A flash of lightning lit up the room and I sunk deeper into my blanket. I eventually fell asleep there, only to wake up a few hours later due to the storm. I drew the blinds and went to my bed. I was nearly asleep again when my phone rang right beside my head. Without thinking, I flipped it open.

"Hello?" my voice was weak and hoarse from the day of silence.

"Oh, thank God! You guys, she answered! Lily, are you okay?"

My head was still numb from sleep. "Who is this?"

"Mikey."

"I'm okay, I guess. Maybe."

"Do you want to talk to Gerard?"

"No, I'm not ready for that."

"You know he didn't mean what he said, Lily. He still cares about you."

"I know. I just really need some time. Tell him to call me when he's ready to talk. Hopefully by then I'll be ready, too."

"Do you want to talk to me?"

"No. I really just need some time to take everything in. Thanks for caring, Mikey."

"Don't mention it. We're all just glad you're okay."

"Tell Frank and Ray thanks, too."

"Got a message for Gerard?"

"Not yet. I'll let you know when I do."

The next day was nearly the same, except that the weather was shitty right from the beginning. I sat in my chair, sketching and watching the rest of the world through my window.

It was bad enough, dealing with this by myself in my room, but tomorrow I was going to have to go back to school.