I Never Told You What I Did for a Living

I could hear vehicles driving past, but I refused to emerge from my hiding place. I was in someone's backyard, but I had no idea whose it was. The rickety old treehouse that I'd crept into was in disrepair and obviously had been deserted for years. My guess was, whoever lived here no longer had kids living at home.

The officer hadn't followed me on foot, but I was sure he was still patrolling the neighborhood in the cruiser. This was why I was too scared to look outside the wooden planks.

I really didn't know why I was so scared. Maybe if I went to the hospital with someone else, anyone else, it would be less real and less severe than if I was given a police escort.

The rain hadn't let up, and I could hear it pounding on the treehouse roof. I was grateful that I'd found shelter, no matter how shabby it was. My cell phone vibrated in my ice cold hand, and I answered it with a whisper, not wanting to be heard.

"Hello?"

"Lily, where are you? I'm in town, and I can't see you anywhere."

I sighed in relief as I heard Gerard's worried voice. "I'm in an old treehouse. Go south down main street and take the second alleyway on the left after it. Kepp going for about two and a half blocks, and it's a big yellow house on the right. Seen the cop around?"

"Yeah, but nowhere close to where you're describing. Stay on the line, just in case I get lost."

"It's impossible to get lost in this town," I muttered, but continued to talk to him as he'd asked.

"Okay, we're here. You're seriously up in that thing? It looks like it's going to collapse."

"Yeah, it probably is. I'll be right down."

I climbed out of the tree and darted across the yard to the awaiting car. I jumped into the backseat, ignoring Mikey's attempt to switch me spots.

"No, I'm good back here. Can we go?"

"What the fuck is going on?" Mikey nearly yelled, outraged at the fact that he was left in the dark.

"I need to get to the hospital, but I couldn't go with him. Being around a cop makes everything too serious."

"And why are we taking you to the hospital?"

"My mom's sick," as I said it, the words sunk in. Mom was really in the hospital. She was obviously in bad shape, or Dad never would have went to visit. And the cop never would have come. "Why can't I just be going to jail?"

"What?" Gerard glanced in the rearview mirror, trying to read my expression.

"The only time cops come talk to me, someone I love is in the hospital. Why can't I ever just be getting arrested?"

"Because you're a good person," Gerard tried to comfort me.

"No, I'm not. I'm obviously a terrible person or the people I love wouldn't always be this close to death. I'm like a really bad omen. People should see me and run."

"This isn't your fault. Gerard's accident was caused by some other idiot, and you can't make your mom get sick when you're not even living with her," Mikey pointed out.

"Yeah, but I wasn't there to help, either. Maybe if someone was there with her, she wouldn't have gotten this bad. I could have taken her to the doctor earlier, or... at least done something."

"There's nothing you could do. It's not your fault."

"Why isn't it? Every time something like this happens, everyone says that. Maybe it is my fault. One of these times, it has to be. Someday I'm going to fuck up so bad that everything will be my fault. Then nobody can say that to me anymore."

"You're not making any sense."

"I know, but it's helping me in a wierd way. Rambling on about nothing is taking my mind off of what's happening right now."

"I know this is really hard, but you're going to be okay. So is your mom."

I had begun to drown out Mikey's calming voice with the screaming inside my head. How did he know she was okay? How could she be okay if a police officer had found me? Why hadn't Dad pulled me out of school and taken me along? This all could have been avoided if he had taken the time to think of me. But he had thought of me, hadn't he? That's why he sent the cop in the first place. So why hadn't he remembered me earlier? Why had he left me sitting on the curb in the rain? Why had he given me enough time to allow myself to worry? Mom hadn't even crossed my mind at the time. I'd been worried about him. How could he let that happen?

How could I let that happen?

I hadn't wanted to get close to my father after the way he'd abandoned me and my mother before. So why had I let him in? Was this whole thing a punishment for my own stupidity? Was karma really that evil? If it was, then this was my fault. Just as I'd first suspected. All the bad in the world could only have been caused by one thing: me. This wasn't self pity, this was self loathing.

I had hurt those around me. There was no denying it. I was sure I'd hurt Mom more than anyone else. She'd always been there. Throughout all of my various phases, and all of my rebellions, she'd helped me through.

One thing stood out in my mind now. I had to get to the hospital. I had to be there for her this time.