I Never Told You What I Did for a Living

I felt like I should have been the one in a hospital bed. Not in the same way as my mom, or the way Gerard had been, but in an institution. With padded white walls. And maybe an imaginary friend to talk to. It would have made taking all this shit easier if I was insane.

No such luck.

I was sprawled on Gerard's couch the following morning, staring up at the ceiling and not allowing myself to think. Maybe if I just started having conversations with myself, I would be thrown into the loony bin and I'd be able to forget my life. Or maybe I should take this like a normal person and simply return to the hospital to visit my mother that doesn't believe she has a daughter.

Yeah, that's probably what I should do.

"You going to make it?"

I looked over at Mikey, who was surveying me from behind his glasses. I was sure he hadn't approached quietly, but I hadn't noticed him until he spoke.

"I guess so."

He sat on the edge of the couch and patted my hand. "This'll all work out in the end, Lily. Have some faith in your mom. She'll pull through."

"I haven't had any reason to have faith in her before, but I really do hope this all goes away. She was never really there, but I miss her now that she's gone. Does that make any sense? I mean, I'm mad as hell, yet I want her around."

"Actually, it does make sense. She's your mom. That's all there is to it."

I nodded. "When do you think they'll have her test results?"

"We won't know until we get there. The worst that can happen if we show up early is we have to wait around. And you and I have had a lot of experience in waiting rooms before."

I smiled for the first time that morning. "Yeah, but I don't want to face my father just yet. I may have broken some news to him last night that he didn't want to hear very much."

"Yeah, and what news was that?"

"That after graduation I was planning to move in here with you guys and let him be free again. That way I wasn't a burden to him or Mom, but I could still be here if anything happened to her. I mean, I felt so helpless when she went to the hospital and I wasn't anywhere close to help her."

"I know, but there really was nothing you could have done. But Gerard's going to love this decision. I think he was going to ask you to move in when he came to you grad, actually."

I sat up. "Really? That's great! Kind of makes me wish I would have waited and been surprised."

"Are you really ready to move in here? I know you did before, but this is sort of... well, it's a big deal."

"I know, but I'm ready. I love Gerard. I couldn't be happy with anyone else."

"Good. Because I know how much he wants you here. Of course, I also should have known how much you wanted to be here. Forget I brought it up."

"It's okay, Mikey. I'd look out for my brother if I had one. I'm not offended by the fact that you care about Gerard. You just forget that I care as much as you do."

I glanced up at the clock. "I guess we should go soon."

Mieky stood up from the couch. "Yeah, but we've got to wait for Gerard to get out of the shower. I think he might be upset that we left without him."

I laughed. "Yeah, I can't see him taking abandonment too well. He'd never forgive us for that one."

I walked into the small kitchen and got a glass out of the cupboard. I turned on the tap and let the water run until it was ice cold. I took a long drink and shut off the faucet, then set the glass on the counter. After a moment, I heard the bathroom door open.

"Very nice, Mikey," Gerard grumbled, adjusting the towel he'd wrapped around his waist. "I thought you were old enough that running water while I'm in the shower wasn't funny anymore."

"Sorry, my bad," I grinned sheepishly, realizing what I'd done. "I needed a drink. I was parched."

"Parched?" Gerard laughed. "Only you would talk like that."

I brushed his shaggy, dripping hair off of his forehead. "Only because I know when I say stupid shit like that you can't stay mad."

"You know my one weakness."

"I know all your secrets," I replied matter-of-factly.

"Is that so?"

"Yup. Like, for instance, I'm moving in here after graduation."

"That's a secret? I thought we all knew that."

"Damn. You were supposed to be shocked that I knew! Oh, well. You're right, we all know. Including my dad."

Gerard winced. "Is he going to kill me?"

"Nope. I said it was my idea. As far as he knows, you don't even know about it yet."

"Good. Speaking of your dad..." he glanced over my head at the clock on the wall.

I nodded. "Get dressed and we'll go. I'm getting anxious to hear her test results."

He kissed my forehead gently and turned away. His bedroom door clicked into its place in the frame as he disappeared inside.

My stomach knotted itself into a ball as I began to let my mind wander to the possibilities of what the doctors might tell me in only a matter of minutes.