I Never Told You What I Did for a Living
Memories
I stopped walking and heard the guys do the same. Under different circumstances, it would have felt like they were my entourage. Now, however, it seemed to give me chills.
Dad didn't speak, he simply turned and led me down the hall. His lack of conversation did anything but calm my nerves. When I stood facing the thick wooden door, I suddenly felt ill. A shudder fled down my spine and I turned around.
"I can't go in there," I whispered.
"Yes, you can," Gerard was instantly at my side. The contact of his warm hand on my waist was only slightly comforting.
"Will you come with me?"
"She hates me, remember?"
"She doesn't even know you. Besides, what about her memory? Maybe she won't know either of us."
He sighed. "Okay, I'll come. But I'm staying at the back of the room. Maybe she won't notice me."
"Deal."
Gerard followed me into the room and slid to the back wall, farthest from the bed. I felt an oppressive weight on my heart as I saw my mother lying there, tubes protruding from her nose and the back of her hand.
The heart monitor beeped rhythmically, confirming her normal pulse. I looked back at Gerard, who nodded encouragingly. I took a deep breath and stepped forward. Mom's eyes remained closed, and she appeared blissfully peaceful.
"Mom?" I whispered. When there was no reaction, I continued. "I know we've had our problems, but I want you to know that I'm here for you. Once I graduate, I'm coming back here. I won't live with you, but I'll be closer than I am now. I'll be able to help you more, and I promise I'll be a better daughter than I have been lately. Please just wake up and know who I am."
After standing at her bedside for what seemed like hours, I gave up. I turned back to Gerard, who took my hand and pulled me into a hug.
"She'll wake up, give it time. We'll just have to come back later, okay?"
I nodded, forcing back tears. This wasn't how I wanted it to turn out. Actually, lately nothing had been going the way I wanted. Fate seemed to be against me. As we headed out the door, I heard a small noise from behind us. I stopped and turned around slowly, feeling tense.
Mom was watching us.
"Mom? Do you know who I am?"
She seemed dazed, but nodded slowly. My heart leapt and I raced over to her.
"It worked! You're back!" I took her hand and squeezed it in mine.
Her confusion seemed to grow and she blinked a few times before speaking. "Is this some sort of epiphany?"
"Epiphany? What are you talking about?"
"Waking up in the hospital and seeing myself as a teenager. It has to have some sort of deep meaning, right? The one thing I can't place is who the guy is. And the talking. I heard someone talking about being a good daughter, but I don't understand that part. So what do I need to change about my life? Was the voice me? Talking to my mom? Tell me what to do."
"I'm not you," I choked, tears falling down my cheeks. "This isn't an epiphany. I'm your daughter, Lily. And you don't remember me."
I spun on my heel and fled the room, leaving Gerard inside. I knew he was unsure of what to do right then, and I stayed close by to hear what would happen.
"So who are you?" my mother's voice was pleasant and calm, as though my pain meant nothing.
"I'm the guy who's in love with your daughter. And I wish you could understand how much she's hurting right now, because I'm also the guy that's there to pick up the pieces. I'm the guy that's here to take her away from all of this bullshit that you and your ex-husband have put her through. And mostly I'm the guy that's that's there for her when her parents aren't. You may not know what I'm talking about, and you may think that you're just some carefree newlywed, but I wish you knew what you've done to her and I wish you could be ashamed of yourself. That beautiful girl may have just walked out of your life, and I hope you know what you're losing."
As he left the room, I threw my arms around his neck.
"Thank you."
"For what?" he asked, hugging me back gently.
"For saying those things. She might not understand it, but I did."
"You don't have to thank me. It needed to be said. I meant it all."
"Can we go? I don't want to be here anymore tonight."
"Sure, let's go get the guys."
We walked back into the waiting room and everyone turned to look at us.
"I'm sorry I never warned you, Lily," Dad apologized as I entered.
"It doesn't matter. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. Come on guys, let's get out of here."
Dad didn't speak, he simply turned and led me down the hall. His lack of conversation did anything but calm my nerves. When I stood facing the thick wooden door, I suddenly felt ill. A shudder fled down my spine and I turned around.
"I can't go in there," I whispered.
"Yes, you can," Gerard was instantly at my side. The contact of his warm hand on my waist was only slightly comforting.
"Will you come with me?"
"She hates me, remember?"
"She doesn't even know you. Besides, what about her memory? Maybe she won't know either of us."
He sighed. "Okay, I'll come. But I'm staying at the back of the room. Maybe she won't notice me."
"Deal."
Gerard followed me into the room and slid to the back wall, farthest from the bed. I felt an oppressive weight on my heart as I saw my mother lying there, tubes protruding from her nose and the back of her hand.
The heart monitor beeped rhythmically, confirming her normal pulse. I looked back at Gerard, who nodded encouragingly. I took a deep breath and stepped forward. Mom's eyes remained closed, and she appeared blissfully peaceful.
"Mom?" I whispered. When there was no reaction, I continued. "I know we've had our problems, but I want you to know that I'm here for you. Once I graduate, I'm coming back here. I won't live with you, but I'll be closer than I am now. I'll be able to help you more, and I promise I'll be a better daughter than I have been lately. Please just wake up and know who I am."
After standing at her bedside for what seemed like hours, I gave up. I turned back to Gerard, who took my hand and pulled me into a hug.
"She'll wake up, give it time. We'll just have to come back later, okay?"
I nodded, forcing back tears. This wasn't how I wanted it to turn out. Actually, lately nothing had been going the way I wanted. Fate seemed to be against me. As we headed out the door, I heard a small noise from behind us. I stopped and turned around slowly, feeling tense.
Mom was watching us.
"Mom? Do you know who I am?"
She seemed dazed, but nodded slowly. My heart leapt and I raced over to her.
"It worked! You're back!" I took her hand and squeezed it in mine.
Her confusion seemed to grow and she blinked a few times before speaking. "Is this some sort of epiphany?"
"Epiphany? What are you talking about?"
"Waking up in the hospital and seeing myself as a teenager. It has to have some sort of deep meaning, right? The one thing I can't place is who the guy is. And the talking. I heard someone talking about being a good daughter, but I don't understand that part. So what do I need to change about my life? Was the voice me? Talking to my mom? Tell me what to do."
"I'm not you," I choked, tears falling down my cheeks. "This isn't an epiphany. I'm your daughter, Lily. And you don't remember me."
I spun on my heel and fled the room, leaving Gerard inside. I knew he was unsure of what to do right then, and I stayed close by to hear what would happen.
"So who are you?" my mother's voice was pleasant and calm, as though my pain meant nothing.
"I'm the guy who's in love with your daughter. And I wish you could understand how much she's hurting right now, because I'm also the guy that's there to pick up the pieces. I'm the guy that's here to take her away from all of this bullshit that you and your ex-husband have put her through. And mostly I'm the guy that's that's there for her when her parents aren't. You may not know what I'm talking about, and you may think that you're just some carefree newlywed, but I wish you knew what you've done to her and I wish you could be ashamed of yourself. That beautiful girl may have just walked out of your life, and I hope you know what you're losing."
As he left the room, I threw my arms around his neck.
"Thank you."
"For what?" he asked, hugging me back gently.
"For saying those things. She might not understand it, but I did."
"You don't have to thank me. It needed to be said. I meant it all."
"Can we go? I don't want to be here anymore tonight."
"Sure, let's go get the guys."
We walked back into the waiting room and everyone turned to look at us.
"I'm sorry I never warned you, Lily," Dad apologized as I entered.
"It doesn't matter. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. Come on guys, let's get out of here."