Killing Jar

I stared at my calendar, while not really looking at it. Ryan only had one week to live. I was going to end things with him today. He was supposed to be coming over in a few minutes. I looked away from calender and down at the open file on my desk. Ryan's file. I stared at the picture of him, tracing a finger down the edge of it. I sighed remorsefully as I closed the folder and put it in one of my desk drawers. Just as I shut the drawer there was a knock on my door.

"Come in," I called. I stood up as the door opened. Ryan came in, smiling.

"Hey," he said, coming over to me and kissing me.

"Hey," I said quietly as we pulled apart. I grabbed his hand and led him to my couch. We sat down and I kept his hand in mine. Ryan looked at me. He already knew he was here because we needed to talk. "First off, I want you to know that even though we've only known each other for a short amount of time, that I love you."

Ryan grinned.

"I love you too," he said happily, leaning in to kiss me tenderly. I pushed him away slightly.

"I have more to talk about," I said. Ryan nodded. "I want you to know I love you because what I'm about to do is only because I love you so much."

I looked down, feeling tears pricking at my eyes. I wish I could control my emotions. I had told myself that I wouldn't cry while doing this. I met his eyes again, his full of worry.

"We have to end this," I said, the tears spilling down my face. "I think it would be best for everyone."

"You love Brendon don't you?" he asked.

"This has nothing to do with Brendon," I said, letting out a sob.

"Then what does it have to do with?" he asked.

"Something so much bigger than you and me, and me and Brendon," I said. "Something I can't tell you. Something I have to live with for my whole life."

He wiped some of the tears off of my face.

"Why can't you just tell me why you're doing this?" he asked.

"Because I can't," I said. "It just makes everything easier."

"Easier for who?" he asked. I could tell he was angry.

"Please don't be angry Ryan," I said. "I really wish I could tell you, but I just can't. Can't you understand that?"

He pulled his hand out of mine.

"If you really loved me, you'd tell me why you're ending things," he said. He stood up. "I'm leaving."

"Ryan, please," I cried. "Just stay for a minute."

"I can't," he said. "See you later."

He left my apartment quickly, slamming the door behind him. I stared at the door. My apartment was silent except for the sounds I made as I cried. I leaned forward, burying my face in my couch cushion and sobbing. I knew that doing this was for the best, but it didn't feel like it.