Killing Jar

It was sunny out. And warm. It was weird. I had expected it to rain. But I guess not all funerals are cliche.

I was standing at the front of the crowd here to watch Ryan's burial. Brendon stood next to me, and the rest of Panic stood on the other side of Brendon. I wasn't crying. I didn't feel like crying anymore. And I wasn't sure if I could. I had already cried enough. I had cried more than I had ever cried in my lifetime, I believed.

I wasn't listening to what the minister was saying. I was staring at the coffin. Ryan was in there. And I had put him there. This was my fault. I was shocked to feel a tear sliding down my cheek. I guess I hadn't used up all of my tears. I focused my gaze on the ground, sniffling as quietly as I could.

I was surprised when Brendon slipped his hand into mine easily, and I looked up. He looked down at me before giving my hand a quick squeeze. He returned his attention back to the funeral. I knew he wasn't handling this well. Him and Ryan had been close. I felt more guilty when I thought of the fact that Brendon had probably been mad at Ryan because of what I had told him.

To put things simply, I felt like the worst person in the world.

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I went home after the funeral. Brendon hugged me tightly for a minute, which kind of shocked me. I walked home in a sort of daze. I didn't know what to do with myself either.

I went to sleep when I got to my apartment. It was the easiest thing to do at this point. But I wasn't asleep for long. I had a nightmare of me killing Ryan. I was thankful that I couldn't remember the details of that night. But my imagination made everything up for me.

I couldn't go back to sleep, though, and ended up just laying in my bed. When I heard a knock on my apartment I sighed and looked at the clock. I was surprised to find that it was already midnight.

"Come in," I said quietly. I was kind of glad that my dad was visiting. I didn't have to get up to let him in. I could stay in my bed.

A minute later, I heard quiet footsteps heading toward my bedroom. The door opened and my father reached in to turn the light on, causing me to flinch and groan.

"Ava?" my father said. "Are you ok?"

"Honestly," I said. "No."

My father sighed.

"I told you not to get involved," he said. He came over and sat down on the edge of my bed, letting out a sigh.

"I know," I said. "I just..I feel so guilty."

"There's no reason for you to feel guilty," my father said sharply. "It's not your fault. It was just his time. There's nothing that could be done to change that."

"I know," I said quietly. A tear slid down my cheek and I wiped it away quickly. Why couldn't I stop crying? It was quiet for a moment.

"Something feels different," my father said quietly. "Something has changed. Have you changed anything?"

"No," I said, confused. I had no idea what he was talking about. I sat up and my father stared at me intently, frowning slightly.

"Something about you has changed," my father said.

"It probably has something to do with the fact that I killed the person I love," I said. My father shook his head.

"No," he said. "That's not it. Give me a second."

My father had another 'talent.' He was good at figuring things out and noticed things before others.

I watched as the concentrated look on my father's face changed to one of sadness. He looked away from me.

"What?" I asked. "What is it?"

"You're pregnant Ava," he said.

"What?" I said, shocked. Did he just say that I was pregnant?

"You're pregnant," he repeated. I was pregnant. I looked down at my stomach and placed my hand there. Pregnant. Things started to race through my head. What if my baby ended up like me? What if it ended up with the same 'powers' that my father and I had? I didn't want that. Oh God, I was going to have a baby.

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Brendon visited me the next day. I had called him and told him that I needed to talk to him.

"Hey," he said quietly as I let him into my apartment.

"Hey," I said.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" he asked.

"I'm pregnant," I blurted out quickly. Brendon froze and stared at me.

"What?" he asked after a moment.

"Pregnant," I said. "I'm pregnant."

Brendon still looked shocked.

"Is..Is it mine?" he asked.

"I don't know," I choked out. That was a lie though. I knew it was Ryan's. I could just feel it.