Love Is Watching Someone Die

The next morning was pretty hectic.

Frank was slightly startled when he woke up to a warm body next to him, but Gerard was even more. He almost completely forgot that Frank was staying over, and was sleeping right next to him, in his very arms. Frank awoke first, his eyes growing wide when he realized that he was with Gerard in his bed and half naked. After that, he smiled, and buried himself under the blankets and snuggled up to Gerard’s chest, breathing in his smell of fresh laundry detergent and sweetness.

Then, Gerard waking up, he tried not to jump, but having Frank with him was quite a surprise. It took him a minute to register that they were actually “dating” now, whatever that meant, and that he had actually been the one to ask Frank to stay. He sighed, and as he did that, Frank’s eyes fluttered open again, and a smile appeared on his face.

“Morning Gerard,” he yawned and put his arms around his boyfriend’s neck.

“Hey Frank. You sleep well?”

“The best ever.” He wasn’t at all lying. It usually took him hours to get to sleep on his own, but with Gerard, it only took minutes.

“You’re not serious, are you?”

“Yes, I am. Shut up.” Frank didn’t know why Gerard was so testy.

“I can’t believe you actually slept with me…” Gerard groaned, obviously not a morning person.

“Well it’s not like we did anything, so stop having fake morning after regrets.” Frank laughed, attempting to lighten the mood.

All Gerard did was pout a cute little pout, and Frank kissed his cheek, and color suddenly came. Frank smirked, knowing he now had an effect on Gerard that could be used against him. “I’m sorry.” He mumbled it almost so low that Frank couldn’t hear it, but Frank knew it.

“It’s okay Gee,” he ran his hand through black, wavy hair. “I know you don’t mean it.” Gerard shivered at Frank’s action, even though he was used to Frank’s physical contact. He didn’t know what was making him feel so much different about this boy now. It was like just because they took one step up, everything was different. He was still having trouble convincing himself that Frank was still Frank, and always would be.

“Frankie… things feel so weird.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean your touches feel different to me. Like, those little things you do… playing with my hair, brushing my cheek, holding my hand, it just feels different. I-I… It’s not that I don’t like it, it’s just that my senses get overwhelmed and things get out of focus and all I can see is you.” Gerard explained to the smaller boy.

“Now you know how I’ve felt for the past couple years Gee. I always felt that way about you, and now we feel the same. I mean, I guess this is what love is… you’re always on my mind, and I can’t stop thinking about you. I’m always worried about you…” Frank was describing exactly how Gerard felt. Frankie was always there… but he just didn’t know it yet. It was like his senses were sharpened or something.

“Frank… maybe we should get dressed before someone takes this whole thing the wrong way. Like… what if Mikey walks in? Or my parents?” Gerard always had to be rational and spoil the fun, despite him loving the way Frank looked without a shirt.

“Yeah, but do you have an extra t-shirt I could borrow? I’d rather not wear my one from yesterday.” He got up and took his jeans from the chair. They were tight, straight legged and black with a silver studded belt. They were Frank’s favorite jeans, and has the holes to show for it.

“Here!” Gerard tossed him a Black Flag band t-shirt. “I hope you like this.” He laughed, and put on his own clothes.

“How do you always know what I want?” Frank was puzzled.

“Because we’re best friends, that’s why.” Gerard went to the now dressed Frank and planted a kiss on his head. He wrapped his arms around him from behind and rested his head on Frank’s shoulder. “You’re amazing, you know that right?”

“Not as much as you.” They could argue like this for hours, but decided to leave it at that, heading up the stairs and to the dining room. Mikey was already sitting there, drinking coffee from a white mug and staring at the two.

“Hey Mikes. You have fun last night?” Gerard asked, pouring him and me each a mug.

“Not as much fun as you two probably.” He didn’t even look up at us.

“Shut up.” Frank snarled, “It’s not like we did anything.”

“Hey, isn’t that Gerard’s Black Flag shirt?” he finally looked up and pointed out.

“Uh, yeah. I leant it to him because he spilled his Coke last night.” Gerard had to lie.

“Like I believe that Gee. You’re a terrible, terrible liar.” Mikey knew him well.

“So any plans for the day?” Frank asked as he added sugar and milk to his coffee.

“Um, whatever. I don’t really care.” Gerard shrugged.

“You wanna see a movie or something?” Frank asked.

“No, we did that yesterday, and there’s never anything good showing anymore. Besides, I’m pretty broke.” Gerard just made excuses. Truthfully, he hated seeing movies in a theatre, but then again, he never had a real date to go with and make-out in the back corner with. Frank knew well enough that that was what movie theatres were made for. “How about the park?”

“Didn’t they find a dead body in the bottom of the pond?” Mikey sipped.

“Yeah, that’s creepy. How about we just hang at the mall?” Frank was desperate to go somewhere.

“The mall is so… so… mainstream.” Gerard shuddered.

“I’m out of ideas then.” Frank gave up.

“No… we’ll find somewhere, I’m sure of it.”

Mikey decided it was time to interject, “Go get some coffee at Starbucks and just walk around the neighborhood. Try not to get shot though, and don’t draw attention to yourselves.”

“Mikey?” Gerard asked.

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.” He gave his brother a hug as he tried to squirm out of it. “Oh, where are mom and dad?” There was no sign of any parental authority anywhere.

“Still sleeping, so you and Frank are lucky. I’ll tell them you went out after.” Mikey stood up, putting his mug in the sink and rinsing it out.

Frank was just about done his drink, and so was Gerard, so they left promptly. Both boys went into Gerard’s old silver car and turned up the heater. It was surprisingly cold that day, and Gerard started driving towards the Starbucks. Frank popped open a CD case and put on a Misfits track, louder than Gerard would’ve wanted. He wasn’t about to say anything though, since this was his favorite song. “Gerard? Are we there yet? I’m freezing.” Frank shivered.

“Yeah, we’re here.” He stopped the car and looked at Frank. “C’mon, let’s go.” They both exited the car and stepped into the Starbucks, immediately feeling the warm air hit their frigid skin and the soothing aroma of freshly ground and brewed coffee beans. Gerard smiled, because this was one of his favorite pleasures on earth. They both ordered and were waiting, but neither dared to speak. Whether it was sexual tension or not, something was putting a strain on their friendship. It could have also been Gerard’s depression and his unwillingness to talk about things, but Frank knew that something was wrong already.
They picked up their coffees and took a seat on the armchairs by the fireplace, staring out the large, clear, black bordered windows and Frank heard Gerard give a little sigh. “What’s wrong Gee?” He asked, hoping Gerard would open up to him at least this once.

“I don’t know. I’m tired I guess.” Gerard was prone to lying a lot, mostly because he was embarrassed about his emotions. Most boys his age didn’t have to worry about death, disease, and other sensitive topic, but he found that he couldn’t run and hide from them forever. It was just something that kept coming back to get him and haunt him constantly. He preferred not to tell people, but he knew he could trust Frank. Gerard just didn’t want to say it out loud in such a public place. He wanted to wait until he was in the safety and comfort of his little dark room with Frank on his bed, them sitting together against the wall, listening to Iron Maiden, Black Flag or The Misfits.

“C’mon Gerard, you know you can trust me.” Frank offered his support, and always did. Gerard was very insecure and didn’t trust a lot of people in Frank’s point of view, and he was lucky he could get Gerard to tell him things, and even more so be his boyfriend. He was so happy that this boy was able to trust him with his heart, and be careful with it’s fragile state.

“I know Frankie. Just not here, not now… maybe later okay?” He took a long sip from his coffee.

“Yeah, okay. But where are we going next?” Frank was already getting impatient, wishing he’d ordered a larger size.

“The park. I don’t care if there’s a dead body, I just want to take a walk.”

“How about a cemetery? Everyone is already dead there and it’s really peaceful. It always used to calm me.” Frank suggested, knowing that when his parents went through the painful divorce he’d run from the screaming and find himself surrounded by tombstones and silence. He would walk there for hours, staring at the graves and looking at the flowers. He knew that he would probably end up there one day, and he constantly thought about it. Death was intriguing to him.

“That sounds really nice actually…” Gerard’s mind began to wander, filling with thoughts of Frank, despite being less than five feet in front of him. How he smelled, how he tasted, how he looked. They were all floating around his head, not making much sense.

“Earth to Gerard. Come in Gerard.” Frank laughed, as Gerard snapped back into the harsh reality that was life.

“Oh, sorry Frankie… I was just thinking.” He blushed and apologized quickly, discarding his paper cup, which was followed by Frank’s.

“Shall we go?” He opened the door as a courtesy.

“Let’s.”

Now surrounded by headstones and the crisp fall air, the boys walked on the twisting paths hand in hand. They didn’t care who would see them and cringe, or shout “faggots!” They only cared that they were with each other, enjoying the company and silence. With luck, there were no services going on during that hour, so the peace was kept. They had small conversations passing every ten minutes or so, but nothing more really. Their hands together were warm, and each kiss shared was warmer. Gerard almost instantly felt a surge of warm energy flow through his body when Frank leant to kiss him and their lips met. Frank felt pure passion and love when he kissed the taller, older boy, but like Gerard, he also felt that warmth. They decided to sit down at a bench then, just to rest before heading back to the car and going to Gerard’s house again.

“Gerard, I want to know. Are you really okay?” Frank’s voice was filled with concern and emotion.

“Frank… I feel like my life is hopeless. Like there’s nothing for me to live for, besides you. You and Mikey are the only people who I’ve ever really felt love for in my life. Well, Elena too, but she’s only with me in spirit now.” Gerard started.

“There are so many things to live for though. Like, graduation. Aren’t you even a little bit excited that you finally have a chance to get out and face the real world and not get trapped inside walls anymore?” Frank always attempted to be the optimist, but pessimism was always far stronger.

“We’ll always be surrounded by walls. Whether it’s a cubicle, an office, a university, a church, a room, a house, a tomb… we can never truly be free. It’s impossible.” To Gerard, this all made perfect sense.

“Don’t say that Gee, anything is possible. I understand what you’re saying but freedom is different to everyone. I mean, I know that we’ll always be bound to something and can never be let go, but c’mon, can’t you enjoy life’s simple pleasures?” he took Gerard’s hands in his and stared into green eyes with yellow flecks.

“Your love for me is enjoying something enough. I want our love to be simple, with no real complications. I just want it to be true, with no lies or things to cover it up. I want it honest Frankie. Just you and me.” Gerard couldn’t even imagine Frank cheating on him, it was the farthest thing from his mind.

“I do too. I’d never leave you for anyone, or anything in the world. It’s going to be you and me forever and no one can stop us.” Frank saw a smile emerge from Gerard’s pale pink lips, as they both moved forward to engage in a long, tender embrace. Frank’s arms wrapped around Gerard’s shoulders and Gerard’s arms went around Frank’s neck. Their lips touched and worked, but no one was battling for a dominant role. Frank’s tongue slowly slipped out as he opened his mouth, running on the older boy’s lips, wanting entrance to the warmth of Gerard’s mouth. Gerard gave him that and their tongues swirled and touched with ease. They both closed their eyes and were picturing each other’s moves, fitting together perfectly and with almost no effort. It was like they were designed for each other, to complete a circle. A mold, a puzzle, a good pair of jeans, a worn out pair of sneakers, something that just fit you like a dream.

Gerard broke away first, breathing a little bit hitched and needing oxygen. “You’re a good kisser,” he giggled softly.

“Right back at you,” Frank also giggled, loving the moment they shared together.

“Let’s start heading back. We can continue in my room where it’s warm and nice and dark.” Gerard was being suggestive now, and knew Frank would pick it up.

“Mmm, yeah. Dark.” He smirked, taking Gerard’s hand in his gloved one, still walking side by side.

They arrived at the house, and both parent’s cars were in. That was a bad thing for them, considering they were still holding hands when they got to the door. Gerard quickly tore his hand away from Frank’s grip, and Frank felt slightly hurt by that. He knew that it was just for now though. Gerard twisted the key and opened the door, taking off his coat and taking Frank’s as well.

“Mom! Dad! Frank is over!” Gerard called.

“Okay honey.” His mom’s voice came from the kitchen.

“Good afternoon Frank.” His dad’s booming voice said, shaking Frank’s hand firmly.

Frank smiled, “You too.”

“We’re going down to my room okay?” Gerard asked.

“That’s fine. You two have fun now.”

Oh, we will. Gerard’s thoughts were suddenly clouded with pictures of Frank’s bare chest and his hands all over his skin, roaming and his mouth kissing trails down his perfect frame. He felt his stomach tighten just at that, and Frank wasn’t even undressed yet. “Oh, finally.” Gerard let out a sigh of relief closing and locking the door to his bedroom.

“Yeah I know. It’s actually nice and warm in here.” Frank kicked off his shoes and unzipped his hoodie.

Gerard did the same, and now lay on his messily made bed. “Join me Frankie, it’s okay.” He cooed, gesturing Frank to get up from the desk chair.

Frank did just that and his body pressed against Gerard’s. His fingers made their way through black hair, twisting the strands gently, as Frank found himself lost in Gerard’s eyes. It was extremely hard for Gerard to behave at this point, because he wanted Frank to be his, and all his. Frank felt the same way, but had better self control. Frank decided to take the first move though, and put in legs in between Gerard’s propping himself up on his forearms to kiss his boyfriend. Gerard smiled and returned the kiss gently, but then added more force slowly. His hands crept under Frank’s shirt and on his back, lifting the shirt as he went. Frank didn’t mind though, because it was Gerard doing it. His shirt soon went to the edge of the bed, and he was anxious to get Gerard’s off as well. He repeated Gerard’s action, though on the chest area, making Gerard squirm and become even harder. It was almost painful at this point, but he didn’t want to give in so fast.

When both boys were half stripped, they stopped and lingered, looking and longing for each other, but not wanting to take things so far. They agreed on love, not lust, so they were taking everything slowly. Frank took his time to absorb how beautiful the boy laying beside him was and Gerard pondered how Frank managed to achieve a body so lust-worthy. They pulled the covers up over their heads and whispered to each other how much they loved each other and other cute little things, along with a lot more kissing. They even discussed how they were going to make this work without anyone finding out too early and spilling their secret. Both of them knew Mikey wasn’t inclined to tell, and probably wouldn’t mind either. It was the highly religious parents who knew everyone and were involved in the community they had to be most cautious of. If word of them being together, and gay, got out who knows what damage it would do to their parent’s reputations.

It was too early to sleep, so they just lounged about, taking and doing what best friends did. Frank played some guitar and Gerard took out his long forgotten sketchbook and started doing a rough outline of Frank. Frank was attempting to write a song for Gerard as well. It was going well, though Frank was stuck on the title and the second verse. Gerard was having trouble capturing Frank’s dazzling eyes.

It was safe to say that both of them couldn’t be any happier with, and for each other.