Love Is Watching Someone Die

After dinner, Frank had to go home, despite him not wanting to. Gerard wished he could stay the night again, but obviously; there was school tomorrow and things to be done. They both washed up and Gerard offered to drive Frank home. After all, it was almost nine at night and it was quite cold. Gerard even lent Frank his black and gray scarf, telling him to just give it back to him at school or something. Frank loved it because it smelled like Gerard so much, and wrapped it around his neck.

He dropped Frank off and Frank gave him a quick kiss on the lips, pulling back a little too soon than Gerard was hoping, so his lips caught Frank’s as he pulled back and they both giggled. “I love you.” Frank said, giving him a last kiss and getting out of the car. Gerard was disappointed, but lucky he was able to see Frank the next day for sure. He and Mikey usually hung out at the house at stuff, did projects and stuff like that. Gerard made sure Frank got into his dark house, and drove away slowly, Frank’s sweet taste still lingering on his lips.

Frank got into his house calling, “Hey Mom! I’m home!” There was no answer, so he just headed upstairs to take a shower and probably fall asleep. He wanted to finish that song as soon as he could, just so he could play it for Gerard. No luck though, so he turned on the shower water, waiting for the right temperature. He stripped his clothing, realizing he was still wearing a bunch of Gerard’s stuff. He ran back to his room and took the Black Flag t-shirt and scarf, putting it on his pillow so he wouldn’t forget. Getting back to the bathroom, he stepped into the water, letting it beat on his cold, tired figure. Inhaling the steam, he let his muscles relax and calm himself. Sighing, he wished Gerard were there with him. After using soap and shampoo, he got out and towel dried himself, putting on a pair of boxers and a loose hoodie, heading back to his room to get some much needed sleep. He never knew that kissing and feeling Gerard could be such a tiresome pastime.

Pulling back the sheets, he saw the scarf and lay down. He inhaled deeply and smelled Gerard, and the older boy suddenly occupied his thoughts completely. He kept imagining that there was a warm body beside him instead of a pillow, and that the scarf was really Gerard. He let his imagination run wild until he fell asleep that night.

On the other hand though, Gerard wasn’t doing too well. He’d developed a massive headache since he’d gotten home, and his intention was just to sleep it off. He showered quickly, no time to really do anything else, and lay in his bed. Staring up at the ceiling, the pain started to numb him, making him drift into a deep sleep.

“Mikey!” Frank exclaimed coming from the gym.

“Yeah, hey Frank! What’s up?” Mikey was startled by his name being suddenly spoken on that cold day.

Frank was wearing Gerard’s scarf, tightly wrapped around his neck and Mikey even noticed. “Nothing. How’s Gee?”

“He’s okay. Why?” Mikey was puzzled why Frank would be asking about Gerard, “Oh, and why are you wearing his scarf?”

“He sent me a text message this morning saying he was sick or something… maybe it’s my fault, I don’t know.” Frank couldn’t stop playing with the ends of the scarf. He wanted to see and hold Gerard so badly now, he didn’t know how he could contain it much longer.

“No, he’s okay. He took some Tylenol this morning so I guess it’s working.”

“Okay, tell him I said hi.”

“Yeah, no problem. See you in English.” Mikey walked off quickly to find Alicia because he wanted to walk to class with her again, like they did almost everyday. Mikey’s life was fairly normal at the moment. He had a steady girlfriend who he loved with all his heart, he had good friends behind him and his grades weren’t too bad. Nothing at all like Gerard, but yet, so the same. They both loved the same music and comics, B horror movies, and didn’t even really fight like siblings. They often talked and were also best friends.

Compared to Gerard and Frank’s lives, Mikey’s just seemed too perfect, too good to be true.

Why the hell am I lying to everyone? Why do they even care about me? So what if I’m sick, what does it really matter? The voices inside Gerard’s head wouldn’t stop talking nonsense to him and he could barely hear himself think.

“You might as well do it Gerard. No one gives a damn about you.” One voice said, loud and clear.

Gerard fought it though, “No! I need to stay here for Frank and Mikey. I don’t care. Someone loves me finally. Shut up. Go fuck off!”

“Gerard…” This voice was now female, a soprano no doubt, “Be nice. I know Frank loves you, but how much do you love him?”

“I love him with all my heart, no matter how small it may be. He’s the only reason I walk this earth today, so just shut up! He’s mine and I fucking love him! Go away!” Gerard held his aching and throbbing head, pulling his mess of black hair, sitting in the back of the History 12 classroom trying not to draw attention to himself. They had a timeline project due next class, so they were given a work period to finish off things. Gerard wasn’t even the least bit concerned with this, but only how to stop the annoyances and distractions going on internally. He needed some form of release to get this all out, but he didn’t know how. The drugs never worked, and he’d been down the route before, only to be saved by Frank and Mikey. He was so close to death, and they’d been there and back with him, just because they cared. Gerard hung onto that and knew they were the only people he could really love and trust.

“Mr. Way!” Mr. Jansen scolded from the front of the class, “Save your nap for after school, you have work to do.”

Gerard nodded and suffered in silence, though he was tempted to text message Frank again and ask for help. He really did need it right now.

The bell rang shortly after that, and Gerard’s head was pounding uncontrollably. He scrambled to stuff the books in his bag and went to find Frank, probably his only source of relief. The halls were crowded as Gerard clutched his head, people pushing and shoving past him. He managed to make it to the front entrance, where Frank was standing in a crowd of people with Mikey.

“Frank…” he called as loudly as he could, getting Frank’s attention.

“Gerard?! Oh god! Gerard!” Frank came rushing over to help Gerard up, who was just about to collapse on the floor. “God, what the fuck happened to you?”

“I-I don’t know…” he managed to spit out. “My head,” he moaned, “It hurts so bad.”

“Fuck.” Frank mumbled, “Mikey told me you were fine this morning.”

“W-What?”

“I asked your brother how you were and he said you were fine. I don’t know… You want to come to my place for a while just to rest? It’s walking distance and I don’t really think you should be driving if you’re this sick.” Frank was so concerned for Gerard.

“Y-yeah, okay. Thanks Frankie.” He nodded as they started walking home.

“Gerard! Damn it! Your head is so fucking hot! You okay?” Frank grabbed a cool towel and a basin of water as Gerard lay helplessly on the sofa. He was almost dead to the world, but he could still hear Frank’s concerned voice and see his sad eyes.

“Mmm…” he groaned loudly, closing his eyes and trying to relax. He felt the towel on his head and Frank’s hands on him, trying to calm him down and cool him off. He was burning and Frank knew something was wrong.

“Oh god Gerard… I don’t want you to die. Not now.” He prayed silently that he’d be okay and they wouldn’t have to call an ambulance and take him to hospital and everything. There was no way he could handle it right now. He loved Gerard, but he’d really rather not have to go to a hospital.

Gerard’s temperature was constant and wasn’t going down, but wasn’t going up. He was now asleep on the sofa and Frank was stroking his head lovingly on his lap. He tried to focus on the TV, but that was almost impossible seeing he was too anxious and angsty to know about Gerard’s condition when he woke up. He used one of those ear thermometers and checked the temperature, which now was reading 99.5 Fahrenheit, which was a little bit above normal. Frank sighed in relief that his previous 101 had gone down, and was happy to see Gerard’s eyes open finally. He yawned a cute little yawn, “Morning Frankie.”

“Hi Gee. You feeling any better?”

“Huh? I had this horrible dream with voices and everything and that I was about to die.” He whined, rubbing his head.

“That wasn’t a dream Gerard… you were really sick.” Frank sighed, stroking his hair even more.

“I-I was?”

“Yeah, you had me so worried though.”

Gerard sat up and put his arms around Frank, “I’m so sorry Frankie, I didn’t mean to. Are you okay though?”

“It’s okay Gerard, I’m just happy you’re alive and well.” He kissed his cheek.

Gerard blushed, “Frank… why am I at your house?”

“Because I wouldn’t let you drive home. You were sick and could barely stand. Why would I make you drive?”

“I don’t know, but thanks. Now what about my car?”

“Oh, I took care of that. Don’t worry.” Frank smiled and Gerard smiled back, equally as wide. They sat on the couch together just silently for a moment, staring into each other’s eyes and ignoring the TV’s background noise. Frank was still worried that Gerard was seriously ill though, and wanted to make sure he would be okay. Frank brushed the back of his hand against Gerard’s cheek and whispered, “You’re beautiful.”

“So are you.” Gerard kissed him lovingly, and the world was suddenly forgotten. It was like there was a complete slow motion scene going on, where lips lingered and eyes closed tightly. They were so thankful that they had each other at that moment, and didn’t regret at all that they were boyfriends. In fact, they were glad that this had finally happened and they were allowed to be open about their feelings with each other. It was a big relief, a weight off their shoulders, though; it was also another worry being both boys. Within the walls of a house and behind doors, they were completely safe though. No one had to know that they shared a passion and love between each other, but extremely close friendship. “I need to call Mikey, let him know I’m okay…” He was mumbling, asking for the phone. Frank tossed it to him from the coffee table as he dialed the number and spoke quickly. Mikey was happy that he was okay, but he said that he should probably get home before their parents did. He nodded and hung up, looking at Frank with a sad face, “Frankie, I have to leave. My parents don’t know I’m here. I’m sorry.”

“Take care of yourself Gee okay? You think you can walk all the way?”

“N-No… not really.” It was actually freezing cold outside, and Gerard would rather not become an ice cube on his way home. “What should I do then?”

“Call Mikey and tell him that you’re staying. I don’t care; I just don’t want you out on the streets. What if you get sick again and this happens? I’d blame myself if you died and froze to death. Gerard, I don’t want to lose you again, you know that.” Frank desperately wanted Gerard to stay.

“Be reasonable Frank, we have school still, and I don’t want to impose.” Gerard was a bit conscious of being at Frank’s house, since he knew that Linda was a single mom and didn’t bring in much money.

“You’ll be fine. I’ll make us some cheese sandwiches or something and then you can sleep in my room.” Determined, Frank really wanted Gerard.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, c’mon. Here’s the phone. Call.” Frank pushed the phone into Gerard’s hand.

They went up to Frank’s room after receiving permission, which was actually a more complicated process than they’d expected. Gerard had to call Mikey, who had to call his mom who had to call his dad who had to call Gerard, to tell Mikey that they’d be late so Gerard could stay, which meant Mikey had to call Frank’s house who had to give the phone to Gerard to tell him that he could stay.

Gerard crashed onto Frank’s bed then noticed his scarf. “Hey Frank, you still have my scarf,” he commented, smiling.

“Um, yeah.” Frank blushed deeply, embarrassed that he forgot to give it back.

Brushing his cheek gently, “What’s wrong Frankie?”

“N-Nothing Gee. Why?”

“I don’t know, but your cheeks are pretty red.” He giggled, making Frank blush even more.

“I’m sorry I didn’t give you back your scarf. I really should have. It’s cold out anyways.” Frank took the scarf slowly and put it in Gerard’s lap.

“It’s fine. It’s not like I really needed it. I think you did more than I did.” He wrapped it around Frank’s neck loosely, giving him a short kiss.

“It’s your scarf though. I don’t think I should take it.”

“Frank, you can have it. It’s not like I don’t have other scarves.” Gerard actually wanted to give it to Frank. He just looked so damn cute in it. Frank also wanted to keep it because it was like having Gerard with him. He knew it was Gerard’s most favorite scarf, and it would mean a whole lot to him.

“Okay… Thanks Gee.” He smiled, lying back on his bed. He stared up at the ceiling for a bit, trying to arrange his thoughts and make sense of everything that was happening. He couldn’t understand why Gerard could just get so sick suddenly, and then be better a few hours later.

His thoughts were then interrupted by a soft kiss on the lips, “I love you Frank.” A soothing voice said to him coming from a few inches above his head.

“I love you Gerard.” He sighed, “Don’t scare me like that okay? I-I thought you were going to die.” Frank’s cheeks dripped with tears and Gerard wiped them away gently.

“I’m sorry Frank, I really am.” He fell beside him and put his arms around him. Frank’s body was shaking slightly and Gerard brushed his lips against the smaller boy’s cheek. Frank smiled in response, trying to forget about everything else and focus that he had Gerard with him. His lips attached with Gerard’s, trying not to make everything awkward, as they kissed silently, savoring the moment.

Frank yawned, “I’m so tired.”

“Yeah, me too.” Gerard’s head was a little bit numb still, but otherwise all right. He was happy that Frank’s warmth was beside him, and he just felt so secure and everything was right. It was like for once, something was actually going the right way for Gerard. His fears were vanishing and he found closure. He was amazed how his best friend that he’d known for so long, was able to finally give this to him, after so many nights of crying and suffering. He was always right there.

In the morning, they both walked to school together. They both felt a whole lot better, but Gerard especially. He had an easy day today, but that wasn’t the point. At least he spent the night with Frank, and couldn’t be any happier. Once they got on the grounds, Frank apologized to Gerard because of their social statuses. Frank and Mikey usually hung out in the same, more “popular” crowd, and Gerard was pretty much a loner. Frank always looked over and gave him a sad look, mouthing “sorry” but never did anything otherwise. It would be too much of a risk, plus, he didn’t want any shit to deal with about being a faggot.

“Frank!” A boy named Jack with a long blonde fringe called. “C’mon! Why are you walking with that fag?” He referred to Gerard, and Frank thought his heart could have shattered. He hated seeing and hearing the discrimination between gays and straights, it just wasn’t fair. He found it was a lot like just ‘cause someone liked blue, and the other person liked red everything was different. He was always too afraid to say anything though.

He mouthed his usual sorry to Gerard as he walked away sadly, joining the larger group. Mikey wasn’t there yet, but usually when he was, they’d never make snaps about Gerard. They all knew the brothers were close, and didn’t dare to upset him. The fucking social hierarchy was to blame for that. Since Mikey was the captain of soccer team both in freshman year and junior year, he was considered “higher up.” Football and basketball came before that, but no one really seemed to mind. Also, Mikey had a lot of connections in the school and could probably cause more damage than anyone else could.

“Hey guys, sorry. He was asking me about some stupid project again.” Frank had to lie, and hated it. He loved Gerard.

“What’s up guys?” Mikey called happily, joining the little circle formed.

“Oh, hey Mikes.” Frank smiled.

“Guess what Mikey, Frank was hanging out with your brother again.” Jack was being such an asshole.

“Yeah, and do I really give a damn? Frank can do whatever he wants to.” Mikey scowled.
“Guys! Stop fighting!” Another boy named Charles with short, brown hair stepped in.
“What are you gonna do about it Charles?” Jack yelled.

There were several girls with them, usually the girlfriends of everyone, having either a separate conversation or doing something else, but when it came to fighting, they knew they had to step in. “Jackie… cool it.” His girlfriend Laura said, putting her arms around his waist from behind. She gave him a soft kiss on the neck.

“Mikey, don’t.” Alicia held his hand and caressed his side.

“I’m sorry babe, but Jack was just being a total asshole. That was out of line, and you know it,” he glared in Jack’s direction.

“No, it’s my fault guys. I shouldn’t have even been talking to Gerard.” Frank knew that in this group, he was the only one who was alone. He didn’t have a girlfriend anymore to calm him, but what he longed for was Gerard’s touch and whispers into his ear, nibbling on his earlobes. He wanted to feel his pale skin against his own, and hear that voice.

“Frank, no. It’s your business, who you want to talk to and hang around with, so don’t listen to Jack. He’s just PMS-ing.” Mikey said to him, completely disregarding that Jack was about to burst a blood vessel.

Frank sighed, ‘Thanks Mikey.”

“Dude, it’s no problem. It’s Jack who needs to seriously take a chill pill.” Mikey flipped him off and left with Alicia and Frank.